For Such a Time as This….

     My children and I are currently going through the Book of Esther, using an in-depth inductive method. The Book of Esther is very special to me, because of the role it played in my investigation of Mormonism. It actually had nothing to do with me understanding LDS theology. Instead, it was special because is was a balm to my soul while I was feeling such torment, confusion, and loneliness. I drew strength from that young woman’s courage. I loved Esther’s heart, and her willingness to sacrifice herself for the Lord’s purposes.

     Now I’m getting to go through it again, but without the confusion my life held the last time. We’ll spend a week on the first two chapters. I’d say I’m about midway through that, and already I’m being reminded of why the book held such devotion in my heart those few years ago. Her loving submission to her Heavenly Father brings me comfort, strength, and courage.

     There is a point, later in the book, when Mordecai says to Esther, “…and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:15

     Her people were about to be destroyed, and her Uncle Mordecai, who raised her, was asking her to risk her life and appeal to the king. She related her fear, and the above passage was part of his response.

Here is what my heart is saying now:

     I once had a blessing that said, “You were held in reserve to come forth in the last dispensation…” I imagine many of you have had similar blessings given to you. We have been chosen “for such a time as this”. It is important we are well prepared. How much more prepared we will be if we dig into our Scriptures? Not with a heart that just wants to know more, but with a heart that wants to know HIM and what He wants us to do.

     I had one of the young single adults over for dinner last night. We spent some time talking about our faith and how to keep a testimony. I told her, the one thing that holds me fast, is not the fruit, good or bad, of those around me. I won’t be swayed by the disgusting or beautiful acts of others. Instead, it is the deepness and closeness I feel with my Heavenly Father and my dear, dear Savior, Jesus Christ that draws me and keeps me right where I am.

     Though I was faithful and devoted in my former church, and got to participate in many wonderful ministries, it doesn’t compare to the real relationship I feel with my Father now. I cherish knowing Him, and being in constant communication with Him.

     That being said, we are not here to merely lap in the luxury of the restored gospel. He has called us here at this time for a special purpose. Ask Him what it is. Pour yourself into your Scriptures to know Him better. But, do it with a heart willing to honor anything He asks, even if it is difficult. There are times I have done that beautifully, with grace. There are other times that, like a stubborn child hanging on to a favorite toy, I have said, “No, You can’t have this.” I’m always happier when submissive to the will of my Father, even when what He asks is painful and difficult.

     There is beauty, peacefulness, and confidence in knowing you’re doing exactly His will. As I read Esther 2 this morning, I fell in love with her gentle and quiet spirit all over again. I asked myself, knowing the rest of the book, if I will have the courage to do everything my Heavenly Father is asking of me. I think I can do nothing else, for nothing else will bring me the joy of communion with Him. I love my Heavenly Father, and want to make Him as proud of me as He must have been with Esther.

     Are we all willing to submit to everything His word and will asks, with the grace of Esther? Even if it is uncomfortable, or goes against new societal norms? When we read our Scriptures, do we respond like Nephi “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded…” I want to. He has a grand purpose we may not see until eternity. We were called to this portion of the plan. Let’s do it with the grace of Esther.

Being Trained

by Annmarie Worthington

Well, it has been a while since I have taken the time to blog. My life keeps adding challenges, which makes free time hard to come by. That is actually my topic for today- challenges. I had a LONG talk with my Heavenly Father this week. Longer than most. I was kind of walking on tip toes because I decided to talk to him about something my sweet Bishop mentioned, that I was nervous about discussing with my Heavenly Father.

During our tithing settlement, (and let me just add I love tithing settlement. I feel such peace in those meetings and I get a few minutes to ask questions) Bishop said something about how he was reminding God to keep His promises. I asked, “Doesn’t that make Him angry?” He felt it didn’t, if done appropriately. I wondered if it were OK for me to talk to Him about some promises as well.

During my prayer, I gently brought up some things that were worrying me and some promises He had made to me in blessings I received and in Scripture. I was a little worried that maybe God wouldn’t be mad at a Bishop for being so bold, but for an average Joe (or in my case Josephine) to do so would be insulting. Instantly He brought to mind a passage in James that I had written a question about in my scripture journal.

I had written the following:

“James 1:5: This says God giveth to all men liberally and does not upbraid them for asking. This particular verse is talking about wisdom. I wonder if He feels the same way about asking for other things?”

He seemed to answer to my heart, that if the request or conversation was appropriate and not merely self serving, that He is happy to dialogue about things. Then He pointed out to me how I feel when my children come to me to talk about things that they wish were different. He reminded me I feel nothing but love and compassion for them. I felt assured my prayer was not offensive.

I asked Him about many things that evening. Some of them He gave clear answers on, and others He told me the answers would come in time. I wasn’t upset about that, because I felt my cup was already running over and if He gave me more I wouldn’t be able to contain it. There was, however, one question that had been lingering in my mind that I didn’t get to in that conversation, that I approached the next day.

There is a section in my patriarchal blessing that says I am being prepared for a specific task. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t share the task, because it is very sacred to me. I felt the task was beyond my abilities, but that wasn’t my question. I wondered how I was actually being prepared for it. All I see is a life full of challenges and struggles. A life often racked with hurt and betrayal. I asked Him when the preparation for the task He will eventually call me to would begin. He said it already had.

I didn’t fully understand the answer until this morning at stake conference. Our Stake President gave a talk that helped me understand how my challenges are my preparation.

He spoke about Navy Seal Marcus Luttrell’s experiences during his mission in 2005. There is a book about it called Lone Survivor, if you’re interested. As President Beheshti spoke about the Navy Seal training and covenants, the Spirit reminded me about something I had learned about Navy Seals this past year. I love studying history. You get a lot of military information when you do that because so much of the human experience is fought for and defended with the military. Toward the end of their training there is something called Hell Week. If they make it through that, they are ready to be Navy Seals. It is torture. Very few men make it all the way through seal training. Not many men are strong enough to even make it to hell week. Of those that do, many can’t make it through that week and drop out.

I felt like the Lord was telling me the challenges are my preparation. Sort of like Hell Week, but not quite as excruciating.  Each experience is specifically designed to fit me for my task. I thought through some of the challenges I faced in this last few years and at that moment, in stake conference, could specifically list for you which qualities I was supposed to develop as a result of each challenge.  It was instant and detailed illumination, for which I am extremely grateful.

I think I will face my challenges differently now. Instead of wondering how I’m going to get through something, I think I’m going to list out what character I can develop instead. Then, it gives me something even better than surviving to shoot for during my struggles.

When I mentally scanned through my list of experiences and saw what I could have learned, I was concerned that maybe I had not learned all those lessons as well as I could have. However, now that I see them for what they should have been, I have a firmer resolve to succeed. President Beheshti asked us at the beginning of his talk to examine what our commitment to Jesus Christ is. He also gave some quotes from the Seal handbook. Two I jotted down were:

“I am a common man with an uncommon determination to succeed.”

and “I will never quit. I persevere and thrive on adversity.”

I think when we have a real commitment to our Savior Jesus Christ, we will be confident to say the same things about our walk. I know I have a greater trust that He is indeed working ALL things for my good. Every human experience I have, whether pleasant or challenging, can be used to make me more like my Savior and ready for whatever task He has for me. I will try to remember that my challenges are my preparation.

Studying the Book of James

by Annmarie Worthington

Currently in my scripture time I am studying the books of James and Numbers. I’m further along in my study of James. I thought I’d pass along some ideas I’ve had in my study. I’ve read through the book a few times now and it has a pattern to it.  First, James will introduce a topic by giving a command or instruction of sorts. Then he’ll give more information on the topic by either further explanation or an illustration. I think this is a good way to approach the book of James, looking at it as great information on certain topics.

Here is the first one to give you an idea of what I mean. Then you can do the others on your own, whenever you are studying this great book.

Trials*: James 1:1-12

* I say trials instead of temptations in this section because the actual translation is various afflictions. Later on in the chapter he is talking about actual temptations. I ‘ll use that word there.

• Count it all joy (vs. 2)

-the trying of our faith produces patience (literally: endurance/ steadfastness)

• Let patience have her perfect work (vs. 4)

-that we may be perfect, lacking nothing.

• Ask God for wisdom (vs. 5)

-because He gives to all men liberally and upbraideth not.

• Ask in faith, nothing waivering (vs. 6)

-doubters are live waves tossed by the wind.

-doubters don’t receive anything from the Lord.

-doubters are doubleminded and unstable.

• Let the brother of low degree rejoice (vs. 9)

-because he is exalted (see Matthew 23:12)

-the rich is made low because as the flower and grass wither, so shall their ways.

Some of my thoughts on trials:

*It appears that when we know that God is allowing the trial in order to perfect us, getting us to where we lack nothing, then the trial is a blessing and really is a cause for rejoicing.  I think I will list out some recent trials and how I was able to grow and learn as a result.

*I like the fact that God gives wisdom liberally and does not get on to His children for asking for it.  It gives me confidence in prayer.

*The picture of doubters is one that troubles me. I think it will give me more confidence in faith. I can see how it can be tempting to be driven by the waves of current circumstances to allow us to doubt. But, I would rather be more stable, riding above the waves like a world class surfer, who never wipes out.

Well, this gives you a glimpse of my scripture journal. I’m sure your thoughts on each topic will be different from mine, because everyone’s circumstances are so different.

Whenever your scripture study brings you to the book of James, you can list out the rest of the topics and share with me what you’ve learned.

 

When We Think We Know Better

by Annmarie Worthington

I heard something today that got my dander up. It was a comment someone made about another person. I know neither the commenter nor the commentee, I simply overhead them in the grocery store. I was struck by their complete arrogance that they knew what was best for this other mom to do, in a situation I suspect they had very little actual information. So, in today’s post you will get to hear from the snarky, sarcastic Annmarie. (You lucky duck). Then, I will once again step down from my soap box.

We’ve all been guilty of judging the way other families do things.  Some people are offended that they let their children watch PG-13 Harry Potter episodes. Other people think it’s wrong to let your children play outside on the Sabbath. Or maybe we feel they don’t discipline their children correctly. “Well, if my child did that I would….[fill in the blank]” Why do we do that to each other? Is it not possible that God put those children in just the family He wanted them in knowing the personality of the mom and dad?

My family experiences this too. I’ve chosen a different path than many people. Being a single mom who homeschools is no easy feat. However, I am CONVINCED it is the right path for my family. I’ve prayed and fasted about it often.  Anything else doesn’t feel right to me. Does that make life challenging? You betcha! But, my children are worth it. I do, however, get a lot of people who seem to think I’ve made the wrong choice. They don’t say it outright (except for one or two). It’s more subtle hints. Many people seem to think that all my problems would be solved if I put my children in public school.

There is a joke in my house, because of the amount of people that have negatively commented about my decision to keep homeschooling. Anytime something goes wrong, we say, “Well, you know if I put you in public school this wouldn’t have happened.”

Are the biscuits burned? Well, darn it, I should have put you in public school. Is my paycheck late? Guess that wouldn’t have happened if you were in public school. Maybe it is snarky of us to laugh at it, but it sure lightens the load sometimes to have fun.

This post isn’t actually about my homeschooling choice, so if you happen to be one of the people that has said something to me about it, there really are no hard feelings. Besides, I’m sure I’ve judged you too at some point. It’s what we humans seem to do best.

My actual point is, we don’t know what Heavenly Father has told other families. My bishop and I had a quick talk about this once after a comment someone said to me about homeschooling my children. The bishop told me that God wouldn’t even tell him how I was supposed to educate my children. I am the leader of my home and I am who God will tell.

I have to remember that as well when I am tempted to judge another family’s choices. I am as guilty as the next person of inwardly scolding someone’s choices.  We all have strong opinions when it comes to child rearing. It would do us good to remember that most parents truly have their children’s best interest at heart, and know their children better than anyone else. We need to have the benevolence to not feel we always know what is best for others. We need to let God lead them.  If they unintentionally actually make the wrong decision (as we ALL do sometimes), let’s come up beside them and help.

Sometimes families do make poor choices. Even evil ones. What do we do then? Let’s say a family is falling apart because of drug use, or some other equally foolish behavior. We could all gossip about them and talk about what horrible parents they are. Because, you know, that will really help them heal their family. Why is it religious people so often shoot their wounded? Instead, why don’t  we come alongside them and love them.  Let them spend time with you and see the fruit of parenting according to scripture. Not in a preachy, “see how much better my family is” way, but just live your lives around them.

I think if we spent more time loving and serving one another, instead of judging each other’s decisions, we would be a much healthier nation. There would be less burdens weighing people down, and happier families. Where there still are burdens, sometimes because of bad choices and sometimes because life isn’t fair, let’s lift up the hands that hang down. That’s a lot more helpful than wagging our tongues and shaking our heads.

There….I’ve said it and now I am officially off my soapbox.

Dillon’s performance

I will blog more this weekend, but just wanted to quickly share with you guys a video of Dillon’s latest performance. For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, Dillon is my 15 year old son. To see his video, click here.

Blessed beyond measure

Yes, there are times I find life challenging. In fact, most days I am completely overwhelmed. Even today. But, as I was scurrying about it occurred to me how completely blessed I am.

First, I have GREAT kids. No, they’re not perfect and there are things I’m concerned about, but there are things about myself that need improving too. Second, Heavenly Father provided a way for me to work from home and continue raising my children. I have always been committed to being my children’s mother and being there for them. My Father in Heaven has assisted me in doing that even as a single woman.

We are not rich. In fact, we live considerably below the poverty level. But, we are still a thriving family. As an added bonus He put people in our lives that willingly, under no compulsion, and in great sacrifice to themselves assist us. The Nance’s have assisted in my children’s music education since the day my parents said they wouldn’t. You might think it is silly that I think music is so important, but I believe we were created to create beautiful music to our Heavenly Father. It is part mathematics (like He used in creation) and part soul (such as He put in us). 

You’d think that is plenty of service in itself, but when I lost my ride for Dillon (my teenager) to get to early morning seminary and couldn’t find a replacement they volunteered to come get him. Let me put this in perspective for you Utah natives who’ve never experienced early morning seminary.  The students have to be there at 6 am. Yep. AM. Do the Nance’s have a child in seminary and are headed there anyway? Nope. Their children are all in college. They volunteered so I would get a little more sleep with my late night work schedule and so I don’t have to get all four little ones out of bed at 5 every morning.

On top of that, they are my friends. I trust them as much as I am capable of trusting anyone. They listen to me, are willing to have dinner with us at our home (my pathetic attempt at repaying their kindness) as much as possible, and are in general just the kind of people you like being around.

Then I have the Kings in Utah. They lift me up in prayer daily and often send me email that are designed to lift and encourage me. Bill King has hired me to pen the lessons he has learned fly fishing. He’s kept a wonderful journal and sends me entries to put in a book format. I feel honored he’s entrusted the task to me. I recently started outlining some of it. As I didn’t even know what fly fishing was, I suspect they did this to find a way to help us financially while not letting me feel like I was receiving charity. That is double kindness. On top of that they came and spent some time with us some months back. They traveled across the country simply to find a way they could tangibly make my life easier. They walked in, looked around, and said your laundry room needs some shelving. Then Susan King proceeded to do all my laundry (what a gargantuan task that was), while Bill took off to Home Depot and purchased and built and entire shelf and drawer system. It has made my life much easier and my laundry room stays organized. Every day that I go in there to do laundry, I think of them and what a blessing they are in my life.

Sometimes God sends me tender mercies. I’ve always been ashamed of my home. All my furniture is shabby and it is so small that it is nearly impossible to buy pretty things for it. Not just because I can’t afford them, but because  there is no place to put them. Yet, this week God gave me a gorgeous loveseat, that is in pristine condition, free of charge thanks to LeeAnn Stehle. I’ve never had anything so pretty. As soon as I am able to afford a slip cover to match it for my big couch I will have a pretty living room for the first time ever. Kind of exciting!

Then there are myriads of little blessings in my life. Marian Bailey is always willing to come, if she can, when I have a babysitting emergency. Vicki Lorimer has been a steady, faithful friend since they day I’ve met her, and has blessed our lives in countless ways. Alison Jones always encourages me with one of my callings. Susan Adney looks for ways to bless my family.

When I look at all the blessings I’ve received, there is very little room to grow impatient with the stress and burdens of my life. I truly am blessed beyond measure.

The Lord’s Handmaiden

by Annmarie Worthington

 

Sometimes it is easy to idolize certain people from Scripture. It is tempting to forget they were human just like the rest of us. They had fears and faults. Many of them learned to overcome them, and that is what makes them almost super-human to us. One of my favorite ladies from Scripture of all time is Mary, the mother of Jesus.

Have you ever taken the time to think about things from Mary’s perspective? Research shows she was probably quite young when the angel first appeared to her. She may even have been as young as 14. What do you think girls from that time period (and even a few still from this time period) dream about? Getting married. She was already espoused to Joseph.  I’m sure she spent much of her time daydreaming about her future with Joseph. She dreamt of romantic evenings and all the wonderful children she’d be blessed with. Then out of nowhere comes an angel that changed everything.

His pronouncement almost certainly meant loss of her marriage to Joseph. Depending on how severe his reaction was, it could even mean being stoned to death. Did she flinch from her calling? Not at all! At first she was confused. How could this be possible? She’d never known a man. When the angel told her, she accepted his answer even though there was much of it she couldn’t understand. She simply replied,

“….Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.” ~Luke 1:38

End of questioning. Compare that sweet young girl’s response with the high priest that fathered John the Baptist. He had trouble accepting the angel’s pronouncement. So much so that the angel was angry and caused him to be mute for the duration of Elizabeth’s pregnancy.

Not only that, but Mary didn’t even grumble about the possibility of losing her marriage. She would have lost it too, if the angel didn’t intervene and explain things to Joseph. He had already decided to “put her away”.  The serene submission of this woman is something to be treasured and emulated.

We often skip to the next “big” trial of Mary: her labor and delivery. But think about how trying those nine months must have been. Whispers from neighbors and friends. The uncomfortableness and newness of pregnancy that she had to face alone, for at least part of it. There must have been a lot of both emotional pain and physical hardships. All was endured without complaint.

Then it was time for delivery. She may have thought that Heavenly Father would at least want His son delivered in Kingly array. Whatever she expected, I doubt is was a stable after traveling for days from Nazareth to Bethlehem on a donkey. After the birth of her child, she becomes surrounded by shepherds who told her of the angels’ pronouncement to them.  Luke says, “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” I’m sure she wasn’t sure what to think. But, she was a thoughtful young girl. Her Father in heaven gave her many things to ponder.

When it was time for her to make the offering for her first born son, she heard words that probably sent fear into her heart. Simeon the prophet spoke to her,

“….Behold this child is set for the fall and rising again of many in Israel; and for a sign which shall be spoken against; (Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,)….” Luke 2:34-35

Again, no word of complaint came from Mary’s lips. There must have been times she thought the Lord was asking too much of her. Just imagine the pain she went through watching her first born son suffer on the cross. A suffering we have no comparison to in our modern society. Crucifixion is such an intensely brutal way to die. Picture your child, or if you don’t have children, a child you care deeply for, going through that. A sword piercing her soul is probably an understatement.

Yet through all that, did Mary get bitter at God? No. She was worshipping with the apostles even before His resurrection. What a woman.

You might be thinking “So what? Mary was great. What does that do for me?”  All I can tell you is what it does for me. Mary is an incredible example of godliness. I’m humbled by her life. Whenever I am tempted to inwardly grumble about my circumstances I think of Mary and her response. All I am left with is the profound feeling that I too am to say to Heavenly Father, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.”  I can tell you the first time this verse really hit home to me.

It took me five years to get pregnant with my first child. I can’t adequately explain how desperately I wanted a child, so when I finally got pregnant it was the thrill of my life.  Beginning in my third trimester I began having physical problems. However I was pretty sure the problems would go away after I delivered, assuming they were pregnancy related. Unfortunately, they didn’t. My problems only got worse. I felt awful. I just couldn’t shake the tiredness and other symptoms I was having. I read every verse on slothfulness I could find trying to “jar” myself into feeling more energetic. It didn’t help.

Then, I found a lump in my neck, which led to several procedures. When my firstborn son was just 6 months old I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I was in shock. To make things worse I misunderstood the doctor. When he was explaining life expectancy I thought he said the MOST I would live is 10 years. I looked over at my precious son that I had been praying to have for so long. Was I really doomed not to raise him? My heart was broken.

My husband was out of town, so I drove home alone with my new baby, devastated. After I got him to sleep I sat on my bed and opened my Scriptures. The verse it opened up to was Mary’s response in Luke 1:38. I remember distinctly praying, “God, I don’t feel this way, but I know it is how I should feel. I will say the words. Will you help me mean them?”

There will always be times that we are asked to endure things we don’t want to. We have to remember who we are. We are the handmaids (or bondservants) of the Lord. Let’s show our love to Him by our humble submission.