When Heaven Seems Silent…

I know it has been a while since I have posted. The children and I went a little over a month passing back and forth illnesses. It seemed like I could stay well for about two days before I fell victim to another ailment. I finally realized I was doing it to myself by trying to keep my normal schedule the moment I recovered, which would just send me back to square one.  After realizing I have to rest to recover, I am better. My house is a wreck, but I am healthy.

I have a topic today that I think all of us have faced at one point in our lives, seeming silence from heaven. Thankfully, I do not currently have this occurring in my life right now, but it has in the past and I’m sure will again. The most difficult time for me when this occurred was when I was investigating Mormonism. All the missionaries (and believe me, I went through quite a few of them) would tell me if I would just pray with a sincere heart, the Spirit would show me the truth of all things. Never was there a more sincere prayer on the earth. I begged. I pleaded. I wanted to know the truth. Yet, silence, was the only answer I received. He wasn’t even telling me it wasn’t true.

I was sure He wasn’t answering because their must be something wrong with me. I put a spotlight on my soul to search out anything that could be of offense to Him. I confessed every thing I could think of. I asked Him to show me the sins I hadn’t thought of. Yet, still silence. In this case, the silence was my fault. You see, Heavenly Father knew I wasn’t ready for the answer. I wanted the answer, but wasn’t ready for it. I went to a church that taught that God would allow people to be deceived in order to be vessels of wrath. My biggest fear was that I would become one of those. Deceived into believing Mormonism, in order to be an object lesson of wrath. There was so much fear in my heart, there was  no room for faith to penetrate.

Before God could answer the question I wanted the answer for, He had to show me who He really was. I had to learn that God really cared about me. I had to learn that He wasn’t the kind of parent who would lie to one of His children in order to fulfill some bigger universal, predetermined plan. I had to have faith in His character. That must have taken three years, because that is how long I prayed about the Book of Mormon and the LDS faith before I received a clear answer.

Does this mean God was silent that whole time until I learned that all important lesson? Not at all. He was there working in the background, arranging things to happen just as they needed to, in order for me to learn.

He does that for all of us. I want you to know, and really believe, that God is working in your heart and life at all times. Sometimes He is directly interacting with you through His Spirit, giving you direct communication and revelation. Other times He is working from the shadows. The book of Esther is a great example of this. Did you know that it is the only book in the entire Bible where God is not mentioned one time? It’s true. However, throughout the whole book He is there working in the shadows. Not only arranging the affairs of men, but making sure justice is dealt out as needed.  Sometimes with a  great sense of Irony, like when the wicked Haman is hung on the very gallows he had built to destroy Mordecai. The more I study this book, the more I fall in love with my Father in Heaven all over again.  The next time you read the book of Esther, note how much had to be divinely arranged to save the Israelites.

Though, we may know intellectually He is there and hasn’t forgotten us, there will be times in our lives that He seems silent. Today, I want to write four things that are helpful to me when that occurs.

1. Remember and re-count the history of God in the affairs of man.

Do you ever wonder why so many stories are repeated over and over in the Scriptures? It is for our benefit. To help us have something to bring to mind when we need it. Don’t just go over the affairs of God in the lives of the people in Scripture. Review His affairs in your life. I hope you write down important events that God has done for you, so you have something to look back on when your faith needs a push. If not, start today. Stop reading my puny blog and write down everything you can think of that God has ever done for you.

God is involved in your life, and He has promised to stay that way. One of my favorite Scriptures is Philippians 1:6

“Being confident of this very thing, that He which hat begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

He is there and He is working.

2. Never forget who you are.

You are a son or daughter of the God of the universe. You are Heavenly Father’s spirit child brought forth before the foundation of the world. One day, you will return to be with Him.

“Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when He shall appear, we shall be like Him; for we shall see Him as He is.” I John 3:2

3. Know that God is righteous in ALL His ways.

This is sometimes hard. The world is full of unrighteousness. Sometimes wicked things happen to righteous people. Does that mean God no longer loves us, or we are somehow not one of the children He pays much attention to? Absolutely not. Look at Matthew 7:11.

“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”

We love our children more than our own lives. Yet our love is evil when compared with His great love. Think on how much more goodness that means He wants for us.

I used to think I must not be one of God’s important children because my life has not been an easy one. I wasn’t protected as a child the way some children are. As an adult I have faced equally heart breaking events. Was there something wrong with me? Did I disappoint my Father in the pre-earth existence? Not at all.

Everything Heavenly Father allows into our lives is filtered through His fingers of love. He doesn’t allow anything to come our way that He won’t give us the grace to endure. Why does He allow the hardships though?  Have you ever seen a toddler fall and struggle to get back up? What would happen if that child never fell? He would never develop all the necessary muscles to function in life. Difficulties make us strong. They make us more useful.

Doctrine & Covenants 122 goes over this quite well. Heavenly Father listed out all the tribulations Joseph Smith was to endure and why. I’ve already written a post on this, so I won’t bore you by repeating it. If you haven’t read it, you can read it here.

Another great passage that discusses this is Romans 8:28-29

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”

Every thing God allows into our lives is there for a purpose. It is designed to make us more like His Son Jesus Christ. It is preparing us for eternity.

4. Finally, remember that our faith is tested in the silence of God.

There is a verse in Psalms that I spent quite some time praying about its meaning. Yet, when the Spirit showed it to me, it was so obvious I wondered why I even needed to pray about it to begin with.

“The Lord is in his holy temple, the Lord’s throne is in heaven: His eyes behold, His eyelids try, the children of men.” Psalm 11:4

I wanted to know what it meant that His eyelids try the children of men. I realized it meant that sometimes when it seems like God has his eyes shut to our dilemma, He is giving us an opportunity to grow our faith. We are tried by His closed eyes.  How can that grow our faith? It helps us rest in Him. To trust His character and His love. It' helps to show us if we follow the passage that says, “Be still and know that I am God.”  There is another passage in Doctrine & Covenants  that says, “Doubt not. Fear not.”  The seeming silence of Heaven shows if our heart is really ready to honor Him completely. Habakkuk puts it beautifully.

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.” 3:17-19

Remember, that when the Heavens seem silent, they really only seem that way. Our Father is still on His throne. He, the Savior, and the Spirit are working as one in our lives. They are there. Trust in them.

Why Do I Serve God?

Have you ever felt despair? I’m not talking about depression or sadness, but real despair. The kind that makes you seriously consider if life is worth continuing.  I can only think of three times in my life I have felt real despair. Once was as a very young teenager. I went to an authority figure pleading for help and protection from physical danger, but no help came. The other two times were as an adult. As a  young person I kept going because I was an optimist. I used to be the kind of person who was genuinely surprised that publishers clearinghouse didn’t show up to award me a million dollars, even though I hadn’t even entered. So, plugging along with the hope that things would change was natural to me. I was sure given a few years my life circumstances would change and things would get easier. After all, I could move away for college. As an adult all I had to do was think of my children. That is reason enough to keep going.  However, none of those reasons stop the feelings of despair. Though someone can have a reason to keep going, they need an even better reason to keep going with quality.  Do you just survive or do you live? How do you keep going when  you can’t muster up hope?

There was once an Old Testament Prophet, who was feeling some despair himself. Well…there were several of them actually…but I’m only going to talk about one: Habakkuk. 

Habakkuk lived in Israel during a time of great unrighteousness. Everywhere he turned he saw corruption and immorality. As a matter of fact, the first line of  his book is, “The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see.” Often that is what despair feels like, a huge burden that weighs you down and aches even down to your joints and sinews.  Listen to some of the pain in his voice,

“O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear!

even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!

Why does thou shew me iniquity and cause me to behold grievance?

……the wicked doth compass about the righteous.”

Have you ever felt that way? I have, and currently still do. Joseph Smith did too. In liberty jail he cried out, “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place?” It is very hard to feel alone. It is worse to wonder if even God, the one being who can be trusted, has abandoned you too. That would say horrible things about your worth if even the almighty, all loving God no longer cared about you.

The Lord heard Habakkuk’s plea and answered him. But, as God so often does He answered in a way Habakkuk never would have imagined in even his worst nightmare.

God replied, “I will work a work in your days,

which ye will not believe, though it be told you.

For, lo, I raise up the Chaldeans, that bitter and hasty nation,

which shall march through the breadth of the land,

to possess the dwelling places that are not theirs.”

Heavenly Father told Habakkuk He is not as unaware and uninvolved as He was being accused. Already He had the Chaldeans ready to swoop in for judgment. Now think about that. The Chaldeans (we know them as the Babylonians) were a horrible nation. Their king, Neduchadnezzar, had no regard for human life. Even God described them as “terrible and dreadful” (vs. 7). I’ve taught the book of Daniel a few times and the background information I’ve learned about the despicable Nebuchadnezzar is enough to make you sick. You can imagine how Habakkuk felt about that news. Really, Heavenly Father, Nebuchadnezzar? That is who you’ve chosen for the judgment of the unrighteous? He’s worse than the whole lot in Israel. That hardly seems fair. God, you must realize that he will not distinguish between the righteous and unrighteous. The entire nation will be destroyed.

He expressed his concern to God, and I’ll be honest with you I love the way Habakkuk thinks.

“Art Thou not from everlasting, O Lord my God, mine Holy One? we shall not die.

O Lord, thou hast ordained them for judgment; and , O Mighty god,

Thou hast established them for correction.

Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity;

wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and beholdest

Thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the man that is more righteous than he?

…..I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower,

and will watch to see what He will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.”

To sum it up, he said, how can you, a Holy, pure God use horribly wicked people, to judge less wicked people? It seems evil to turn your people over to the Babylonians, even though they’ve sinned. Yet, Habakkuk knew that a holy god must have a holy reason. That is why his last sentence said, I will sit back and listen to how you reprove me.

God gently admonishes Habakkuk throughout chapter 2, telling him to have patience. He reminds Habakkuk that the just shall live by faith. Habakkuk must trust God. He must believe that God is righteous and doeth everything in righteousness. God also told him of the dreadfulness of sin.  The final chapter of Habakkuk is his prayer. He asked God that in His wrath would He also remember mercy. Then He rehearses the acts and character of God, and comes to a conclusion as to how he, Habakkuk, will live the rest of his life.  His conclusion, which I’ll explain in a moment, is the best answer for all of us, who like the prophets of old, occasionally must live in the midst of despair.

Many of you have read my conversion story. You remember it cost me greatly to become a Mormon. What you don’t know is that  my second year as a Mormon caused me almost equally great pain and turmoil. Not because of Mormonism, but because of the unrighteous actions of someone I trusted & loved greatly. It has been a difficult year. Then last week some new trials popped into my life. One was fiscal. I’m losing $500.00 per month in income and realized that someone else I thought was trustworthy, had in all likelihood been using me taking advantage of me for the last few months. Now I would need to find another job in order to properly care for my family. For someone who already works four part time jobs that idea is distressing.

I had just gotten home from work the evening I learned this. I’d been home about 5 minutes when a process server showed up at my door. My ex-husband is suing me. It will cost me more to defend myself than it would if I just gave him everything he wanted, but if I don’t stand up to him, he’ll just keep pulling this kind of garbage. (OK, vent over). I broke down completely after reading the papers I was served. Sounds dumb, I know. After all I’ve been through the last 5 years you’d think I could take something like this in stride, but I couldn’t. It was like the final straw on a very weary and weak back.

Pouring out my heart to God I asked what more He wanted of me. Why did it seem like the more I strove to honor and obey Him, the harder life became? Was it worth it to keep doing my best to honor a God who didn’t seem to care one whit about my and my children’s lives. Every day is a struggle and the more I strive to become righteous, the harder life gets. Sometimes it seemed that the more righteous I tried to behave, the more the wicked got away with things and I was seemingly punished. I didn’t think I could keep going. I’d live of course, for the sake of my children, but wasn’t sure how I would strive any longer.

At that very moment a gentle voice whispered into my ear. Why do you serve God, Annmarie? Are you doing it for rewards? Are you doing it for glory? Are you doing it for ease? If so, that isn’t really working out for you, is it?

I thought about that for most of that night. I couldn’t sleep because of all the stress I felt anyway. Throughout the evening the story of Habakkuk came to my mind. I haven’t read that book in a few years, but the story was as fresh and alive as if I’d read it that morning. I came to some conclusions. I serve God because I love Him. I serve Him because I wouldn’t feel right or natural doing anything else. I’m His child and have been since before the world was created. I will not be okay doing anything other than filling the measure of my creation.  I do not serve Him for rewards or glory.  God was right. The just live by faith. I had to make a decision-again- to live that way as well.

Do I believe God is righteous? Do I believe God will do things with my best interest at heart? Can I trust Him? Does He deserve my love? The answer to all these questions is yes. Therefore I can do nothing other than come to the same conclusion as Habakkuk.

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines;

the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat;

the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet,

and He will make me to walk upon mine high places.”

I serve God because it is the right thing to do. I will, even in my despair, look to Him to give me strength. He will make my feet steady. He will give me the endurance. I will trust Him to be an anchor to my soul, that I can fulfill with my life, as it says in Ether 12:4.

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety of hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

For that is the reason I serve Him. I hope to glorify God. With prayer and grace, I can do that while living in poverty or wealth, while being loved or used and mistreated. The circumstances of my life do not make my goal any harder or easier, therefore I will strive not to lose site. I serve God because I love Him. I want to bring Him glory.

If that is true, than I shouldn’t waver just because life is a struggle. I should dip my head out of the feelings of despair that overwhelm and seek to drown me. I will look to my Heavenly Father in reverence, trust, and faith.