Why Do I Serve God?

Have you ever felt despair? I’m not talking about depression or sadness, but real despair. The kind that makes you seriously consider if life is worth continuing.  I can only think of three times in my life I have felt real despair. Once was as a very young teenager. I went to an authority figure pleading for help and protection from physical danger, but no help came. The other two times were as an adult. As a  young person I kept going because I was an optimist. I used to be the kind of person who was genuinely surprised that publishers clearinghouse didn’t show up to award me a million dollars, even though I hadn’t even entered. So, plugging along with the hope that things would change was natural to me. I was sure given a few years my life circumstances would change and things would get easier. After all, I could move away for college. As an adult all I had to do was think of my children. That is reason enough to keep going.  However, none of those reasons stop the feelings of despair. Though someone can have a reason to keep going, they need an even better reason to keep going with quality.  Do you just survive or do you live? How do you keep going when  you can’t muster up hope?

There was once an Old Testament Prophet, who was feeling some despair himself. Well…there were several of them actually…but I’m only going to talk about one: Habakkuk. 

Habakkuk lived in Israel during a time of great unrighteousness. Everywhere he turned he saw corruption and immorality. As a matter of fact, the first line of  his book is, “The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see.” Often that is what despair feels like, a huge burden that weighs you down and aches even down to your joints and sinews.  Listen to some of the pain in his voice,

“O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear!

even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!

Why does thou shew me iniquity and cause me to behold grievance?

……the wicked doth compass about the righteous.”

Have you ever felt that way? I have, and currently still do. Joseph Smith did too. In liberty jail he cried out, “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place?” It is very hard to feel alone. It is worse to wonder if even God, the one being who can be trusted, has abandoned you too. That would say horrible things about your worth if even the almighty, all loving God no longer cared about you.

The Lord heard Habakkuk’s plea and answered him. But, as God so often does He answered in a way Habakkuk never would have imagined in even his worst nightmare.

God replied, “I will work a work in your days,

which ye will not believe, though it be told you.

For, lo, I raise up the Chaldeans, that bitter and hasty nation,

which shall march through the breadth of the land,

to possess the dwelling places that are not theirs.”

Heavenly Father told Habakkuk He is not as unaware and uninvolved as He was being accused. Already He had the Chaldeans ready to swoop in for judgment. Now think about that. The Chaldeans (we know them as the Babylonians) were a horrible nation. Their king, Neduchadnezzar, had no regard for human life. Even God described them as “terrible and dreadful” (vs. 7). I’ve taught the book of Daniel a few times and the background information I’ve learned about the despicable Nebuchadnezzar is enough to make you sick. You can imagine how Habakkuk felt about that news. Really, Heavenly Father, Nebuchadnezzar? That is who you’ve chosen for the judgment of the unrighteous? He’s worse than the whole lot in Israel. That hardly seems fair. God, you must realize that he will not distinguish between the righteous and unrighteous. The entire nation will be destroyed.

He expressed his concern to God, and I’ll be honest with you I love the way Habakkuk thinks.

“Art Thou not from everlasting, O Lord my God, mine Holy One? we shall not die.

O Lord, thou hast ordained them for judgment; and , O Mighty god,

Thou hast established them for correction.

Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity;

wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and beholdest

Thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the man that is more righteous than he?

…..I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower,

and will watch to see what He will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.”

To sum it up, he said, how can you, a Holy, pure God use horribly wicked people, to judge less wicked people? It seems evil to turn your people over to the Babylonians, even though they’ve sinned. Yet, Habakkuk knew that a holy god must have a holy reason. That is why his last sentence said, I will sit back and listen to how you reprove me.

God gently admonishes Habakkuk throughout chapter 2, telling him to have patience. He reminds Habakkuk that the just shall live by faith. Habakkuk must trust God. He must believe that God is righteous and doeth everything in righteousness. God also told him of the dreadfulness of sin.  The final chapter of Habakkuk is his prayer. He asked God that in His wrath would He also remember mercy. Then He rehearses the acts and character of God, and comes to a conclusion as to how he, Habakkuk, will live the rest of his life.  His conclusion, which I’ll explain in a moment, is the best answer for all of us, who like the prophets of old, occasionally must live in the midst of despair.

Many of you have read my conversion story. You remember it cost me greatly to become a Mormon. What you don’t know is that  my second year as a Mormon caused me almost equally great pain and turmoil. Not because of Mormonism, but because of the unrighteous actions of someone I trusted & loved greatly. It has been a difficult year. Then last week some new trials popped into my life. One was fiscal. I’m losing $500.00 per month in income and realized that someone else I thought was trustworthy, had in all likelihood been using me taking advantage of me for the last few months. Now I would need to find another job in order to properly care for my family. For someone who already works four part time jobs that idea is distressing.

I had just gotten home from work the evening I learned this. I’d been home about 5 minutes when a process server showed up at my door. My ex-husband is suing me. It will cost me more to defend myself than it would if I just gave him everything he wanted, but if I don’t stand up to him, he’ll just keep pulling this kind of garbage. (OK, vent over). I broke down completely after reading the papers I was served. Sounds dumb, I know. After all I’ve been through the last 5 years you’d think I could take something like this in stride, but I couldn’t. It was like the final straw on a very weary and weak back.

Pouring out my heart to God I asked what more He wanted of me. Why did it seem like the more I strove to honor and obey Him, the harder life became? Was it worth it to keep doing my best to honor a God who didn’t seem to care one whit about my and my children’s lives. Every day is a struggle and the more I strive to become righteous, the harder life gets. Sometimes it seemed that the more righteous I tried to behave, the more the wicked got away with things and I was seemingly punished. I didn’t think I could keep going. I’d live of course, for the sake of my children, but wasn’t sure how I would strive any longer.

At that very moment a gentle voice whispered into my ear. Why do you serve God, Annmarie? Are you doing it for rewards? Are you doing it for glory? Are you doing it for ease? If so, that isn’t really working out for you, is it?

I thought about that for most of that night. I couldn’t sleep because of all the stress I felt anyway. Throughout the evening the story of Habakkuk came to my mind. I haven’t read that book in a few years, but the story was as fresh and alive as if I’d read it that morning. I came to some conclusions. I serve God because I love Him. I serve Him because I wouldn’t feel right or natural doing anything else. I’m His child and have been since before the world was created. I will not be okay doing anything other than filling the measure of my creation.  I do not serve Him for rewards or glory.  God was right. The just live by faith. I had to make a decision-again- to live that way as well.

Do I believe God is righteous? Do I believe God will do things with my best interest at heart? Can I trust Him? Does He deserve my love? The answer to all these questions is yes. Therefore I can do nothing other than come to the same conclusion as Habakkuk.

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines;

the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat;

the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet,

and He will make me to walk upon mine high places.”

I serve God because it is the right thing to do. I will, even in my despair, look to Him to give me strength. He will make my feet steady. He will give me the endurance. I will trust Him to be an anchor to my soul, that I can fulfill with my life, as it says in Ether 12:4.

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety of hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

For that is the reason I serve Him. I hope to glorify God. With prayer and grace, I can do that while living in poverty or wealth, while being loved or used and mistreated. The circumstances of my life do not make my goal any harder or easier, therefore I will strive not to lose site. I serve God because I love Him. I want to bring Him glory.

If that is true, than I shouldn’t waver just because life is a struggle. I should dip my head out of the feelings of despair that overwhelm and seek to drown me. I will look to my Heavenly Father in reverence, trust, and faith.

An Anchor to the Soul

I left church after Sacrament meeting today, which is something I never do.  I wasn’t feeling well. So I drove home, took some medicine, and tried to get some rest, but of course, I couldn’t sleep. You would think someone who lives on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night would conk right out, but my mind wouldn’t shut off.

Plan B was to read my Scriptures in silence. A rarity at this hopping house. I read something magnificent. For my Book of Mormon reading I am in Ether 12. It is so packed that this is day three on the same chapter. I just keep finding more gems. Right now I am compiling a three column list on everything Ether has to say about faith, hope, and charity in just this one chapter.

The verse I want to focus on right now is verse four:

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

If you’ve ever felt thrashed about by the storms of life, this verse should make you breathe a sigh of relief. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up on Staten Island. I sure miss that place sometimes. When I was a child riding the Staten Island Ferry, I would often go to one of the port holes and look into the churning sea. Although I loved the feel of the air and water as it sprayed up at me, the voyage itself frightened me, so I would sit and watch hoping nothing would go wrong with our voyage.

I was always fascinated by the gigantic chains that would place and withdraw the anchors and wonder how they could help keep such a massive boat in place. I still don’t know the technicalities of all of it, but somehow it worked. Our boat was sure and steadfast.

According to the Scriptures, faith is our anchor. This anchor, however, does way more than the ones on the ferries I grew up with. First, it gives us a hopeful, secure future. Ether called it a better world. It is better because we are at the right hand of God.  At first that phrase puzzled me.  At the right hand of God? No, that is the Savior’s rightful place-definitely not mine. Maybe it was my tiredness, but I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. The answer of course was obvious, but it didn’t occur to me.

I leaned over and asked dear Bishop Nance (he was bishop before our current one), whom I was sitting beside. Thankfully he didn’t call me an idiot for not remembering “the sheep and the goats”. When the author says we will be at the right hand of God, it is because that is where the sheep go. We go with the group destined for eternal life in the presence of God. That will most assuredly be a better world. In that world there will be joy, peace, godliness, honesty, truth, learning, safety, and righteous judgment, just to name a few things.

Why use an anchor analogy for that though? I know some who would say we cannot be sure of our eternal place. I disagree. Faith makes that eternity sure. We can not only hope, but be sure in our hope of it. Not because of our own merits, which I know frightens all of us and makes us worry about eternity. But, on the merits of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I can be sure of my eternity IF my faith is in the right place. Do I have correct faith in the person and work of the Savior? Is it the kind of faith the Scriptures teach us? A repentant faith unto good works? Then if so, I can be sure of eternity. Now that is better than any anchor I have ever seen on a ferry.

This anchor does more though. Heavenly Father doesn’t throw us into a tempest filled sea, leaving us to drown and suffer, merely saying, “Well at least you have eternity to look forward to.” No. Instead He says, “Use your anchor.” That anchor of faith makes us sure and steadfast. That anchor of faith allows us to abound in good works. That anchor leads us to glorify God. I can’t think of anything better.

When I am drowning in a sea of turmoil. And believe me I know what turmoil feels like. I can grab onto my faith. That frees me up to do the work God has set apart for me. I am excited about that! I can think of a dozen ways I have disappointed my Father in the last 6 months, knowing that if I had just grabbed my anchor, I could have avoided the mistakes all together. I can’t change the past, but I sure can remember to grab it in the future.

It can also keep me steadfast in the face of other’s sins. There are frightening people in this world, who do very bad things and are obvious about it. There are others who are more cunning and unexpectedly do bad things. I’m not sure which is more dangerous. It probably doesn’t matter, because both kinds leave wounds and damage our vessel. But this verse says we can be sure and steadfast even in the face of damage. It will not matter what kind of storm we are confronted with. Faith will lead us to glorifying God. We can do great works, even in the face of suffering. What an anchor that is!

One other thing just occurred to me. It says this anchor can lead us to glorify God. I periodically get emails or phone calls from people who say wonderful things to me. Things I don’t deserve. Sometimes they say they admire me. Most often lately they say they have a strong feeling Heavenly Father has an important work for me. Now, I am not an important person and I am sure every assignment Heavenly Father gives, even to the least of His children is important to Him. It did get me to thinking though. I know He has a work for me. We were all given assignments in the pre-mortal existence of how we could further the kingdom during our tenure here. What was mine?

While I do not think I can do anything more important than any other servant, I have been facing tremendous trials that were obviously designed by the enemy to keep me from service. I began to pray and ask Heavenly Father to show me my work. What is my mission? He gently reminded me that He had already told me. He puts desires in our hearts and minds that are designed to help us know and fulfill our mission. What I want more than anything else is to start a magazine AND write books designed to help Latter Day Saints not only become more valiant in their testimony of the Savior, but to give them the tools to minister and teach the gospel to protestant evangelicals.

All I have to do is hold on to the anchor, so I am equipped for every good work and not allow the storms I face to overtake me.

Incremental Revelation

I have learned so much in the last week that I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I’ll start with the temple. Yesterday I went to the Memphis temple to do initiatories and an endowment session. I was especially anxious to spend time in the Celestial room. I had 5 major things I was praying about that I needed direction. I typically sit close to the front so I can get to the celestial room more quickly.  On a side note……I like doing the prayer circle, but as a single woman it is awkward waiting up there all on my lonesome while the leader (or whatever he is called) asks for some poor schmoe to come up there to join me. Brothers, if you see a single sister waiting up there, jump up and join her.  Don’t leave her hanging! End of lecture.

When I got to the celestial room I grabbed some Scriptures and immediately started praying. At some point the burdens overwhelmed me and I started to cry. I laid out the big issues and asked Heavenly Father to lay out for me a plan. He said, “No.”  I said, “What?” He said, “I want to guide you little by little and you want the whole picture.” I said, “Ok.”, but a few minutes later decided to ask again in the hopes that I had misunderstood. Nope. Got the same answer. 

I’ll be honest. I found that disappointing. I wanted some answers! I needed direction. My heart was in a great deal of pain. AND I am confused about some things with regard to the gospel, the Spirit, and discernment. Not to mention the fact that I have so much on the plate, it would save some burden to get a great deal of direction at once. But, I trusted that Heavenly Father had a great reason. That submission was a good idea. It didn’t take long for me to start getting some answers.

The first answer I received was why he wanted to guide me little by little.  I’ve been reading a useful book by Gerald Lund entitled Hearing the Voice of the Lord. He wrote about incremental revelation, using the example of Nephi and the brass plates. Nephi was told to get the plates, but he wasn’t told how. He was kind of left to flounder on his own and figure it out. He made several attempts before having success. In his third attempt he said, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.” (I Nephi 4:6-7)

That is how I was feeling. God wants me to do these things, but doesn’t tell me how. Nephi was driven by faith, not knowledge. He had faith in Heavenly Father, therefore he would continue to try and figure out how to do what he was commanded to do. He had the same experience building the ship for their trip to the Americas. I Nephi 18:1 said he was given directions on how to build the ship, “from time to time”. I thought about that for a moment and it occurred to me that if the Lord had given him all the direction at once, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Let’s look at the example of getting the plates from Laban. The Lord knew that Nephi was going to have to kill Laban to get those plates. But, if he told that to Nephi, Nephi might have spent his entire life wondering in false guilt whether or not there was anything else he could have done to get those plates back and spare Laban’s life. Therefore, the Lord let him attempt diplomacy first and learn for himself there was only one solution. How merciful of God!

Using the example of the ship, it is easy to see the need for incremental revelation. If Heavenly Father told me to build a car and gave me all the directions at once, I can guarantee at the end of my building, we would NOT have a car. Sometimes in His wisdom, He gives the direction we need, as we need it. I’m now not as disappointed with the idea.

The next thing I learned, was also confirmed to me more solidly in my reading. I was struggling with a wrong committed by someone. I couldn’t understand why the Lord was seemingly ignoring it. However, the Lord whispered to my heart that maybe He isn’t ignoring it, but giving others another learning opportunity.

I wondered about that, but wasn’t sure if I understood the Spirit correctly. Then I read something that confirmed it to me. While writing about Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, Gerald Lund made the following observation: 

“But here is another lesson to learn from that experience. While Joseph was in jail all that time, the challenge of leading and exodus of thousands of Saints to safety in the dead of winter fell to the two senior Apostles, Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball. These were the very two men on whom would fall the task just eight years later of leading the Saints across more than a thousand miles of wilderness to the Valley of the Great Salt Lake. How’s that for “in service training”?

Often while we are undergoing our own learning experience, the Lord may be accomplishing His purposes with other people and in other settings. This is why it is foolish to think that we can fathom with our finite perspective the infinite and eternal purposes of God.”

Well, there is tons more that I learned this week that will have to wait.  There are little people who want me to come to their “club” meeting. Apparently it is time for my membership interview. I am one lucky mom.

Look to Me….

I had a wonderful time taking my son Dillon to his first concerto competition. Dillon is not much of a talker, so it was nice having him trapped in a car for several hours. Along with many other things, we talked about his fears. When I asked him what he was most afraid of, I thought his answer showed incredible wisdom, even if he did admittedly steal it from Professor Lupin (and JFK). He said what he most fears is fear itself.

That is so wise because the Scriptures teach us that faith and fear cannot coexist.  Ironically, I’m quite frightened by that fact. Aren’t I weird? People often write and tell me I am a woman of great faith. They are basing that on my conversion. While I understand what they feel, I don’t see it that way. I could do nothing else. I had to learn about the gospel. I needed to know what was true. I am nothing without my faith in Christ and I wanted to make sure I was serving Him as He was to be served. It is hard for me to see that as great faith.

Instead, what I do see is all my fear. I know that could keep me from what God would have me do. I don’t want it to. I want to confidently do whatever He wants. I want to be His completely. And yet I am overwhelmed with fear most of the time, which hinders those noble goals. Fears about understanding His will, fears about my future, fears about my children. Fears about the never ending bills. Fears about being able to keep up with my schedule. However, my biggest fear right now (aside from never being able to adequately provide for my children) is that I will be unable to trust anyone. Betrayals are hard no matter who commits them, but sometimes who the person is does make a difference. For me this latest one has.

I’ve been overwhelmed with doubts about everything, even (foolishly) the gospel. I’m so grateful for a Heavenly Father who doesn’t condemn me for those thoughts. He has patiently waited until I could calm down and then said. “Ok, you’re having doubts. Rather than get all panicky, let’s look at the gospel again.” So we did. I studied, examined, thought through it, and prayed fervently. I came to the same conclusion. This is the restored gospel. I’m glad I get to be a member. Whew! Yet all my other fears are still weighing on me.

As my fears crash around me incessantly, He keeps reminding me of one passage in particular. “Look to Me with every thought. Doubt not Fear not.”  I’ll keep trying. Every time fear creeps up, my goal is to just look to Him. I CAN trust HIM. The sacrificial atonement alone is evidence enough of that. So from now on I will try to do things even better. When I’m exhausted and don’t think I can do one more day, I will look to Him and ask Him what He wants me to do. When I cannot pay a bill, I will look to Him. When I get asked out on a date, (you know…whenever some godly single LDS man moves into the area in 600 years), I’ll try to say yes and not panic about what kind of person he is really. When I ache all over and just want someone to let me rest my head on them and hold me, I will look to Him. I’m assuming that is included in every thought.

Prayerfully, as I get better at this, it will become natural instead of instructive.

Vicki

 

“A friend loveth at all times”

Me and Vicki at Copelands after my baptism.

 

I have trust issues.  I’ve known that for a while. It is hard for me to trust people. It gets harder the older I get. Part of the problem is I am a black and white personality. It takes a lot to get me to let my guard down, but when I do, I trust someone completely. Then I realize that was a mistake. However, there has been one friend who has always been there for me.  Vicki. 

I can count on Vicki no matter what. She’s there when I’m hurting, she’s there when I’m confused, she’s there when I’m lonely, she’s there when I’m happy. I keep waiting for the day that she gets tired of being there, but she never seems to. She keeps coming back.  I love that woman. She’s my one steady rock. I love a lot about her. 

She tries hard to live righteously. I love her tender conscience. She really cares for people’s spiritual well being. Everyone’s, even people she is not fond of.  She has also helped me make some pretty hard decisions, and then stood by and loved me after I made the tough choices.

Last night she did some very special things for me.

First, she drove all the way in to Little Rock to take me to dinner. I really needed a night out. She treated me to this ghastly expensive restaurant, then went Christmas shopping with me. Vicki prefers to shop online, so that was a real sacrifice.  On the drive home she gave me a Hershey’s chocolate bar. Only those who know my true chocolate addiction can know how much that bar meant to me. I haven’t had money for chocolate lately, so that was wonderful.

You would think that would be enough, but she did even more. She has spent weeks putting together a 72 hour kit for my family. She packed everything in this gigantic tote, with a list, and told me to keep it in my van. That way we’d have it no matter when the emergency occurs. I was blown away. I’ve been trying to get emergency supplies together ever since I heard the prophets speak of its importance, but when you can’t afford daily necessities, contingency items seem impossible.

When we returned, she helped make my eyebrows more shapely and then we just talked. I can talk to her for hours, because I feel I can truly trust her. I hope we’re always friends, because she knows all my embarrassing stories.

But, the thing about Vicki I treasure most is not what she does for me. It is the fact that I want to be the kind of friend she is.  I want to be there to love and support others. She is the most blessed example of charity and service I know. That is the best kind of friend to have.  The kind you want to be like.

Overcoming Doubt.

by Annmarie Worthington

 

This morning I was reading in 3 Nephi. In the beginning of that book the prophesies concerning the birth of the Savior had not yet been fulfilled. Some people began proclaiming that the time was past for the prophesies to come to pass. It is interesting to me the words they choose to hurl at the believers, “therefore, your joy and your faith concerning this thing hath been vain.” I say it is interesting, because those are the exact words Satan has used with me lately.

I recognized him as the author even before I read this passage, and would consistently remind myself of that fact. Satan knows my weaknesses and my deepest fears and hurts. He plays on them. It is helpful that I recognize his voice does not sound like the Spirit’s, so I can tell the difference and know the source. However when I read that verse this morning I thought, “Wow. You’d think someone who’s been around as long as he has would get some variety in his playbook.” But, why should he, when the plays work?

Faith isn’t easy, and Satan knows that. Doubts creep in on the strongest of faiths. Therefore, all he has to do is find data that “fits” our doubts and feed it to us. I’ve seen a lot of unrighteousness since I joined the church. I’ve also seen great hypocrisy. Those are the data Satan uses to feed my doubts and fears. So what helps me when I’m barraged with doubt? The foremost is self knowledge. I am not perfect. I sin and make mistakes. And yet, I have a heart that yearns to be righteous. When I do make mistakes my heart and spirit weep. My desire for repentance is overwhelming.  So, when I see unrighteousness, I try to make the assumption that these people are in the same boat. Maybe they long to be righteous as well, but fail like me.

So what if you run into the unrepentant? Those who do not long to be righteous? I know some of those too. Two in particular. By the way, you can forget it….I’m not naming names. I find in those cases it is better to remember the Lord’s time on earth. Was Judas not one of the Lord’s chosen Apostle’s? Did the Savior not spend the whole night in prayer before choosing them? Yet, Judas betrayed the Savior-- to His death. Does that mean the Savior’s ministry was false? That somehow He misread the Spirit? Of course not! It means that even in the truest church, there will be wheat among tares. Heavenly Father even planned it that way. For, “there must be opposition in all things.” 2 Nephi 2:11  What is most important is not to let them choke out our wheat.

What did the Nephites do when they were assaulted with doubt? I love this verse.  “But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain.” 3 Nephi 1:8.  They kept their desire to believe and looked with hope for the Lord’s words to be fulfilled.

We can watch steadfastly too. We do that in prayer and Scripture study. The Scriptures bring me such peace when I read them. I love the interaction with the Spirit that comes with them. We also do it with looking for the good things about our faith. Yes, there are people that behave unrighteously, but there are also people that behave remarkably righteous, in complete unselfishness.

But what if our doubts have nothing to do with people? What if it is waiting on the words of God to be fulfilled, such as the Nephites had to deal with? Well, we do what they did. We wait and watch. There were things said in my patriarchal blessing that show no signs of being fulfilled in the near future. There are times my situation is so desperate that I cry out to God saying, “OK, now would be a good time to bring this to pass.” Then silence.  Heaven seems unaffected by my tears. But, I know that is not true.

Deep inside me is this quiet voice that is confident God will bring it to pass at the right time. I just have to hold on. You have probably heard the saying, “It is always darkest before the dawn.” That is often true. Many times we are at our most desperate before God brings the blessing. I’m not sure why. I’m pretty sure I’ll appreciate it even if it comes sooner, but maybe He knows something I don’t.

The Nephites experienced this too. Not only were the unbelievers assaulting them with doubts, but when they kept their faith they became even more hostile. Verse 9 says, “Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet.” Now, not only was their faith at stake, but their very lives.

Their prophet was in great sorrow because of these events, and did what all great prophets do. He “bowed himself down upon the earth, and cried mightily to his God in behalf of his people.” After much prayer God came to him and said, “Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given….”  I love this. God has a plan. He will fulfill it. It was even coming sooner than now expected. They just needed to hang on and watch steadfastly. The Lord gave me a real picture of this with my first born son.

Some things went wrong when my first son was born. He was unable to nurse, and I had to pump all his breast milk. I remember a particular evening when my dear sweet newborn boy was lying on my bed, his whole body red from screaming because he was hungry. I had begun preparing his bottle of breast milk even before his tears began, but it is a slow process.  All he knew was his stomach hurt, so he screamed. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to comfort him. Knowing he didn’t understand, I told him over and over, “Don’t worry, Dillon, your food is coming,” hoping somehow it would get through to him and bring him peace. It didn’t. He kept screaming, and I kept crying too. Then the thought occurred to me: How often is this similar to my interaction with the God of Heaven. Maybe I am screaming in pain, unable to hear Him, while He is saying, “Hang on, Dear child, it is on the way.”

I know my Heavenly Father loves all of us. I know He is working for our good. Let us watch steadfastly and see that our faith is not in vain.

In God We Trust

First off I need to tell you I am a hopeless romantic....and not just about romance. I'm romantic about life and friendships. So, what usually happens to hopeless romantics? Yup, they get squashed like little bugs. But, because they are romantics they peel themselves off the pavement, brush off the debris, and jump right in expecting great things to happen. Now there are a few things that can happen to our little bug. First, she can keep getting squashed over and over and over again, or she can become cynical and stop trusting in people completely, or she can learn a better place to put her trust than in people.

There are many wonderful passages in Jeremiah. One I've been thinking about a lot lately is Jeremiah 17: 5,7

"Cursed be the man that trusteth in man........

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord"

First let me say there are many wonderful people in the world. I know some of them. I could tell you about a family who gives up a large sum of money every month so that my children could continue their music lessons after my husband left me and my parents decided to no longer help me. They knew my son wanted to be a concert pianist, they knew he was gifted, and they knew there was no way I could continue their lessons. I don't know if they knew how important music education was to me. I don't consider it a nice option. I truly and deeply feel it is an important, necessary part of a child's brain development. I doubt they knew how I was in agony trying to figure out how in the world to continue the lessons. I was close to offering to be the teachers house keeper, but was worried that wouldn't work because he already had one. Whatever they knew, they stepped in and made a great sacrifice. They're not wealthy people, and there are many other things they could have done with that money. I DO believe there are great people in the world.

Life has also shown me that there are people whom you can love, admire, and trust with all your heart, who will hurt you, use you, even abuse you if possible. People who say one thing and do another. People who manipulate you for their gain. I've known parents who knowingly allow their children to be abused, or even do the abusing themselves. I have so little tolerance for people who hurt children, or who stand by without intervention and allow them to be hurt.

So, how do we respond to things like that? How do we keep from staying in a self preservation mode where we withdraw into ourselves all the time? I think it is by always remembering that there is really only one person you can trust....the Lord. He is the only one who will never use you, never harm you. When people do rotten things it is easy to become bitter. It is also easy to want to treat them as they deserve. I propose that instead we use the hurt to worship and grow closer with our Heavenly Father. Doesn't it make you appreciate Him so much more. Knowing He will not use you. He'll be there for you.

You know, as I type this there is that little nagging voice inside of me that is telling me I'm not being completely honest. I won't be able to post it if I feel there is dishonesty in it. So I will be. Although maybe you'll think I'm a hypocrite because I have so far to grow. The truth is, I'm always afraid that God will abandon me. And there have been times I wish He would have protected me better. Times I've begged Him to that He didn't. But, I have a STRONG testimony that our Scriptures are true. They tell me He has good reasons for everything He allows into our lives and I believe it. I'm scared, but I believe it. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you. Even though I'm still growing in my faith and trust, I know He is really the only one we can trust. If I focus on that, and growing my relationship with Him. It keeps me from becoming completely cynical. It helps the little bug in me dust itself off one more time and try again. Maybe this time they'll be a happy ending....... Don't you just love happy endings?

Do you ever want to be so much more than you are? I have a picture of what I want to be. God tells me to do something and I do it at the drop of a hat, without fear. That last part is what is hard for me. I'm scared a lot! My imaginary me also can discern the Spirit whenever He speaks. It's not that I don't hear Him. It's just that I know He says way more than my miniscule spirituality can discern. I would know my Scriptures by heart and not get confused by all the new Book of Mormon names. I would also be cheerful all the time. No sadness, no crying, no fear, no secretly wishing someone (whom I won't name) would fall down and break both arms. Hmmm...this is going to be a long paragraph, but there are a few more wishes for the imaginary me. My house would be spotlessly clean ALL the time, the laundry would always be caught up, and I'd bake something delicious every day. Do you know what else? I wouldn't exercize for an hour and then sit down and eat chocolate. Never mind, I don't wish that. I know the Old Testament said the heavenly bread called manna tastes a little like honey, but there must have been chocolate flavor in it somewhere.

I'm not sure I'll ever be the imaginary me this side of eternity, but I'm not one to give up. I don't want to improve as a means of showing worthiness, I know I will never be worthy of heavenly glory. For that reason, as well as many others, I am so grateful for the atonement. I want to improve so I can be more like Him. I want to be more like my Heavenly Father. I spent some time today sad, and wondering how someone who was dear to me, who taught me the gospel, could end up being so unrighteous. It was consuming me. I couldn't grasp it. Then I read Helaman 6. In this chapter the roles were reversed for the Lamanites and the Nephites.

Now, it was the Nephites who were behaving so unrighteously, and the Laamanites who were becoming righteous. It stood out to me because I had always looked up to the Nephites as a people, as I once had the person who had taught me the gospel. There were two things that stood out to me.

First, NO ONE is exempt from the possibility of an unrighteous life. We cannot progress without progressing. Previous righteousness will not keep us righteous. We have to constantly be learning and growing, or we'll end up unrepentant. The second thing that stood out to me, was what pleased the Father about the Lamanites. It said, "And thus we see that the Lord began to pour out his Spirit upon the Lamanites, because of their easiness and willingness to believe in his words." That was it. Believe. That sounds remarkably like "having the faith of a child". When my children are little, and they ask me a question about how something works, or why something is the way it is, they never question my answer. They assume, because I am mom, that I must know. That is a remarkable trust and one I take very seriously. Oh! how I long to be that way with my Heavenly Father. I want to have an easiness and willingness to believe His words. Funny, I have the willingness. It is the easiness that is getting me.

For now, I look across the distance of where I am and where I want to be, and sigh. But I know that even if all I can take are tiny steps forward, eventually, I will get there.

Abraham's Sacrifice

Many of us would say we want to serve God with our whole heart. We would give Him anything He asked for. If we're honest, we say those words hoping He won't ask for anything too hard. But, sometimes He does. Sometimes He wants what holds our hearts.

Think of Abraham. Isaac was the son of his old age, the son of his beloved wife Sarah, the son who was Abraham's life. He loved him more than himself, as we all do our children. Knowing that, Abraham's Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Father, asked him to sacrifice his beloved son. Why? The Scriptures tell us, so he could test his devotion. My heart tears in two just thinking about what Abraham must have felt.

I've often thought that I would do pretty well with Abrahamic tests. I gave my life to Christ in my teen years without my parents permission. They were angry and retaliated. My teen years were difficult, but I maintained my convictions. My new found faith protected me from a life of immorality that I have watched destroy my siblings.

When my first born was six months old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified. My Dillon was my whole heart. It took me five years to have that special boy. I had been praying for a child for a loooong time. Now I wasn't sure I would be around to raise him. Oh, how my heart was shaking. When I got home from my post op appointment where I had received my diagnosis, I went straight to my scriptures. I read in Luke where the angel had just come to Mary and told her all the plans she had for her life where about to be changed. What was Mary's response? "I am the bondservant of the Lord, Be it done to me according to your word." I remember tears pouring down my face as I gazed at my young son and praying, "Oh, Father, I know I should feel this way. Right now all I can do is say it. Please help my heart to match up." The Lord not only spared my life, but blessed me with three additional children, and two others that died, but I will get to raise in eternity. I already love them.

Years later I felt the Lord drawing me to the Mormon faith. It was so different from the faith I had been devoted to. I was terrified I was being deceived. So was the church I was attending. It ended with divorce, excommunication, and ostracization. My whole life had fallen apart. I lost my marriage, my whole means of financial support, and every friend I had, but one, my dear friend Vicki. Yet, almost a year later, we are surviving, I am growing in the knowledge of the Lord, and we have made some of the best friends we have ever been blessed with in our entire lives. (Yeah, that is you Wally and Nancy!) Plus, in just over a month, I get my endowments.

You would think, with all that history and experience, I would remember that God never requires anything of us that He doesn't help us get through and bless us because of. Yet, a few weeks ago, when Heavenly Father required something else, something hard, I fell apart. I didn't want to hand it over. I wanted to hold onto it and say, "Not this too!" I felt betrayed and abandoned, like God was toying with me. What it really meant though was that I had not yet learned to trust Him. In all these years, I still didn't trust God. I was obeying simply because I love Him and desire to honor Him. Plus, I have a fear of disobedience. He must be very frustrated with me. Yet, even in the midst of disappointing Him, He shows me remarkable love and patience.

He has not chastized me once. Probably because He knows I do that quite enough for the both of us. Instead He has patiently waited for me to remember that He does love me, that He has my best interest at heart. Do I know in what way Heavenly Father will help me through this next sacrifice, or what blessing will result from obedience? Nope. I know it is hard. But, I also feel times of strength and joy. I'm obeying and waiting. I am also saying with Mary, "I am the bondservant of the Lord, be it done to me according to your word." And I'm a lot closer to meaning it, than not.

Trust

This is a hard post. I have struggled more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time. I have such a hard time trusting. It is a failure of mine. I have a very dear friend who tends to excuse that failure, reasoning that my life has never given me reason to trust. While I know he is right about my life, I don't think that excuses me.



I'm teaching two different lessons in church tomorrow. One in Sunday School and one in relief society. They were both hard to prepare for, but in different ways. The Relief Society lesson is on eternity. It was hard because the theology is so different. I have a lot to learn. There is a lot I don't yet understand, and there is a lot of information we just don't have yet--which just drives this need to learn everything woman insane! However, the Sunday School one was harder because it is where I am weak. It is on faith.



Believe me, I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe He is the Savior who died as an atonement for my and everyones sins. I also want nothing more than to know I am pleasing Him in everything I do. I want to make Him proud. I can't wait until eternity when I can ask Him all my questions and sit and listen and learn. I'm trying hard to do that now, but I fail.



There is a verse that has always convicted me: Hebrews 11:6 "but without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." I do believe that He is. It is the second part that I really struggle with.



The problem I have is that every person I have ever really loved has not only broken my heart, but some of them have been extremely evil or cruel. With the exception of Nancy Goddard, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the three Nephites (Hmm...maybe I should look that story up again. It might say that they are men.) I am often scared to trust people. Unfortunately that also leaks over to God too.



I have such a desire to have the kind of faith He wants me to. I want to love Him perfectly, as He deserves. I follow Alma's advice, and desire with all my heart and allow the seed to grow. I cling to Ether's promise that as I humble myself He will make my weakness a strength- and yet I still fail. I told a friend last week that I was feeling like I am a toy mouse and God is some big, malicious cat. I'm ashamed of that thought. I have no right to think that way given the sacrifice our Heavenly Father and His Son made for us. So I guess what I'd like to know is how have some of you developed your faith? What do you do at the times your heart is shredded and you don't seem able to pick up the pieces? What is it that helps you know that God not only saved you, but He really loves you? What teaches your heart that He is good and kind?



I always keep going, for a few reasons. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I love God with all my heart. Therefore, I want to please Him, and He tells me to keep going. I also have children that are more important to me than my own life. I want to be a good example to them. Hopefully soon I can be a better example of trust for them too.