Saturday, February 13, 2010


This is a hard post. I have struggled more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time. I have such a hard time trusting. It is a failure of mine. I have a very dear friend who tends to excuse that failure, reasoning that my life has never given me reason to trust. While I know he is right about my life, I don't think that excuses me.

I'm teaching two different lessons in church tomorrow. One in Sunday School and one in relief society. They were both hard to prepare for, but in different ways. The Relief Society lesson is on eternity. It was hard because the theology is so different. I have a lot to learn. There is a lot I don't yet understand, and there is a lot of information we just don't have yet--which just drives this need to learn everything woman insane! However, the Sunday School one was harder because it is where I am weak. It is on faith.

Believe me, I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe He is the Savior who died as an atonement for my and everyones sins. I also want nothing more than to know I am pleasing Him in everything I do. I want to make Him proud. I can't wait until eternity when I can ask Him all my questions and sit and listen and learn. I'm trying hard to do that now, but I fail.

There is a verse that has always convicted me: Hebrews 11:6 "but without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." I do believe that He is. It is the second part that I really struggle with.

The problem I have is that every person I have ever really loved has not only broken my heart, but some of them have been extremely evil or cruel. With the exception of Nancy Goddard, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the three Nephites (Hmm...maybe I should look that story up again. It might say that they are men.) I am often scared to trust people. Unfortunately that also leaks over to God too.

I have such a desire to have the kind of faith He wants me to. I want to love Him perfectly, as He deserves. I follow Alma's advice, and desire with all my heart and allow the seed to grow. I cling to Ether's promise that as I humble myself He will make my weakness a strength- and yet I still fail. I told a friend last week that I was feeling like I am a toy mouse and God is some big, malicious cat. I'm ashamed of that thought. I have no right to think that way given the sacrifice our Heavenly Father and His Son made for us. So I guess what I'd like to know is how have some of you developed your faith? What do you do at the times your heart is shredded and you don't seem able to pick up the pieces? What is it that helps you know that God not only saved you, but He really loves you? What teaches your heart that He is good and kind?

I always keep going, for a few reasons. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I love God with all my heart. Therefore, I want to please Him, and He tells me to keep going. I also have children that are more important to me than my own life. I want to be a good example to them. Hopefully soon I can be a better example of trust for them too.