Saturday, February 13, 2010


This is a hard post. I have struggled more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time. I have such a hard time trusting. It is a failure of mine. I have a very dear friend who tends to excuse that failure, reasoning that my life has never given me reason to trust. While I know he is right about my life, I don't think that excuses me.

I'm teaching two different lessons in church tomorrow. One in Sunday School and one in relief society. They were both hard to prepare for, but in different ways. The Relief Society lesson is on eternity. It was hard because the theology is so different. I have a lot to learn. There is a lot I don't yet understand, and there is a lot of information we just don't have yet--which just drives this need to learn everything woman insane! However, the Sunday School one was harder because it is where I am weak. It is on faith.

Believe me, I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe He is the Savior who died as an atonement for my and everyones sins. I also want nothing more than to know I am pleasing Him in everything I do. I want to make Him proud. I can't wait until eternity when I can ask Him all my questions and sit and listen and learn. I'm trying hard to do that now, but I fail.

There is a verse that has always convicted me: Hebrews 11:6 "but without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." I do believe that He is. It is the second part that I really struggle with.

The problem I have is that every person I have ever really loved has not only broken my heart, but some of them have been extremely evil or cruel. With the exception of Nancy Goddard, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the three Nephites (Hmm...maybe I should look that story up again. It might say that they are men.) I am often scared to trust people. Unfortunately that also leaks over to God too.

I have such a desire to have the kind of faith He wants me to. I want to love Him perfectly, as He deserves. I follow Alma's advice, and desire with all my heart and allow the seed to grow. I cling to Ether's promise that as I humble myself He will make my weakness a strength- and yet I still fail. I told a friend last week that I was feeling like I am a toy mouse and God is some big, malicious cat. I'm ashamed of that thought. I have no right to think that way given the sacrifice our Heavenly Father and His Son made for us. So I guess what I'd like to know is how have some of you developed your faith? What do you do at the times your heart is shredded and you don't seem able to pick up the pieces? What is it that helps you know that God not only saved you, but He really loves you? What teaches your heart that He is good and kind?

I always keep going, for a few reasons. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I love God with all my heart. Therefore, I want to please Him, and He tells me to keep going. I also have children that are more important to me than my own life. I want to be a good example to them. Hopefully soon I can be a better example of trust for them too.


Emilysmom said...

It's hard to trust human beings period. Why, because they are just that human. I have found that it is easy to trust God because he is perfect. Even the people around us who have the best of intentions can often hurt us or lead us into astray.
I just tell myself that no matter what happens here on this earth, that there is only One who I can trust completely, and have absolute faith in. God. Okay make that two for Jesus Christ.
Also, be patient, give yourself plenty of time to adjust to the Church's theology and culture. I have to remind myself to do the same with my husband. He grew up with relatively no faith and still struggles with developing a testimony.
I know you will do a great job with your lessons tomorrow!!! I always enjoy hearing things from a convert's point of view.

Lillakay said...

I continue to hang on to the promise that if I can only have faith as small as a mustard seed then God will help swell that seed within my heart. I often pray for God to help my unbelief and to help me to increase my faith. I also know that as I step out in faith and put my faith into action, in other words exercise my faith... like a muscle it will grow strong and God will bless me and increase my faith.
I know that Satan would like to discourage us, to have us believe that we just aren't doing enough or that we just are not capable of having enough faith. He is the father of all lies, what he whispers to us is not true.
Our Heavenly Father loves us even greater then we are capable of loving our own children. Yet even as a loving parent, if my child will just trust me as much as she can at this time in her life, do I not rejoice in her efforts and understand that in time her trust will increase. How much more patience then does God have with us as we try to have even a little faith and to act upon that faith in obedience... does he not also rejoice and bless us for our efforts no matter how small. When you recently shared your conversion story with me your exercise of faith in the face of great difficulty helped my faith and testimony to grow too.

Caligirl said...

Comparing or basing God's love and faithfulness to us on what we see in humans, or by how we've been treated by people is a sure way to shake our faith. We live in a fallen world where we have the choice to take up our cross and follow or choose our own way. There have been so many hurts and disappointments in my life because of things people have done to me, or choices they have made that effect me. One thing I know is that God has always been present and faithful even when I closed my eyes to him and chosen my own way. I have to daily be reminded of His love and presence in my life. He is faithful to do this through prayer, scripture, or worship. I know He loves me and is with me. Everyday is a gift to fall more in love with Him. You already have faith. Faith is simply believing He is who He is. The rest comes from your relationship with Him. Going hard after God. Seeking Him. He is the lover of your soul! I know that I don't want anything to harm my relationship with Him. It is from time spent alone with The Savior and in God's presence that we learn to trust. I have found that He has never let me down. Only men (and women of course) have let me down. I may not like some of His answers, but they have always turned out to be the best thing. I hope this is of some encouragement to you. You are a seeker and I have always known you to make good choices, but most of all your faith is not small. You trust Him more than you realize.

Eudaimonia said...

From what I have read and seen, I believe you have been gifted with an intelligent, contrite, and a yielding spirit. Sensitive, compassionate, and perceptive. As for myself, I find that in all loving and compassion, there is pain - whether it comes from joy or sadness. As far as mean-spirited attacks are concerned I find I am extremely dependent on the Lord to guide me through without taking so much damage that I refuse to face another front - which at times I refuse anyway ; ) When people close to me do hurtful things, repeatedly, it is extremely difficult to not allow indifference to shade my interaction with them and others - as a way of defense I suppose. When this occurs, I am usually reminded to become meek and submissive - "even as a child doth submit". I don't think kids even know that's what they are doing. They seem to almost obliviously move past hurts and disappointments on their quest for fun, approval, love. Forgive my ramblings, but I am reminded of a story about Peter in the New Testament. When the Savior was walking toward the disciples boat on the water and beckoned for Peter to come to him. Peter, being a faithful servant and adorer of the Lord hopped out onto the water and for a little while was able to walk on the water too - until he took his complete attention away from the Lord. As he began to sink, Peter called out "Lord save me!". The Savior came and lifted Peter up saying "wherefore dids't thou doubt?" I absorb this similarly to the way I percieve your situation - you ARE a faithful woman. Capable of seeing past the distractions of pain and hardship. You walk on the water when you are able - seemingly to me, accomplishing what often seems impossible - and when you begin to sink you call out to the Lord. We are all bound to fail many, many times in this life to sufficiently recieve the Lord's abundant mercy, but it is always there for the asking. I know this with surety because I have failed many, many times - and yet, as Wally and Elder Maxwell like to put it, "His relentless redemptiveness" always seems to find me. I know it finds you too, sweet sister. I guess I'm saying it helps to keep looking ahead and to focus on the "goal" for lack of a non-cliche example. Keep looking forward : ) As you focus on the lessons you wish to learn, you surely shall.

jaradoron said...

I found your blog on the New Latter day saints homeschool blog and you sound great!! I like your sincerity. I think counting blessings and remembering how the Lord helped me other times when I was doing what I thought was right, but didn't know for sure and then after the trial of that faith I reaped the blessing helps a ton. Believe in God... Mosiah 4:9

BTW my sis in law homeschools in Germantown, she has 5 kids ages 14 on down if you are close there just leave me a comment on my blog-- I won't publish it!

Good luck!!

The Judd's said...

this is a pretty broad topic. I think that faith and trust are two different attributes but, very similar. Faith, to me, deals with Faith in Heavenly Father. I believe we have each been given different levels of faith. (Gifts of the Spirit). Trust, to me, means more temporal things - like trust in man. I believe that it is up to us to let go without being naive. Of course we shouldn't trust the people that hurt us and promise change but don't - but, we have the duty to ourselves to protect ourselves from them. At the same time we have to be open to others - let them prove themselves to us before we deem them untrustable. If that make sense. I have had many people in the past that have hurt me and my family - I could let it make me bitter or else I could choose to not be like them and be happy. :) Good luck as you intelligently come to your own terms. It is never easy and each of our paths are always different. Prayer and fasting is always good. Priesthood blessings can be really beneficial as well. :) Those are the ways that have helped me.
PS - found you on LDS Homeschool - love it!! :)