Waiting on Repentance

This week I communicated with two extremely wounded women. Both have been hurt. One by someone outside of the church, the other by someone in the church. My advice to both of them was pretty much the same.

Their stories are private, but I can tell  you the first woman had a crime commit against her and the man got away with it.  She was angry. She was bitter. If God was good, why did he not only let this happen, but let the man get away with it? The second woman felt the same way. Someone in the church had taken advantage of her and as a result she lost her testimony. She too wondered where God was.

Both women are unhappy. Both have trouble forming relationships. They’ve put their lives on hold waiting for justice. This is a mistake. 

All of us have been hurt by people. Some of us have had real harm done to them. I understood how these women felt. There have been times in my life that I’ve wondered where God was. I have since learned that He was there all along. He sees the harm that others do and He weeps. These things aren’t forgotten. Even if  “justice” never happens during our earthly existence, it will come in our eternal existence.

But, that wasn’t the most important point that I wanted these women to understand. I wanted them to live. I wanted them to feel joy again. I wanted them to stop waiting for someone else’s repentance. It may never come.

I’m not callous to their feelings. I have wanted people to repent before. I desperately wanted a dishonest person, who brought great harm to me and my family, to finally tell the truth and stop hiding behind their charm and deceitful nature. For a while that paralyzed me.  How could I have joy when he continues the lies? How could I trust anyone ever again? I waited and waited, hoping for his repentance.

Then one day, while feeling particularly sad I asked myself “What if he never repents?” Which was looking very likely.  Would I want to live out the rest of my life sad and afraid to engage with others? Would I let him take my future from me too? No way.

It is foolish to deny yourself a fulfilled existence waiting on someone else’s repentance. A repentance that, in the majority of circumstances, will never come. That may be fine to say, but what is the solution? The solution is simple. Find joy.  Don’t live in the darkness. This world is full of good and beauty. It’s filled with people who have remarkable potential, but just need a little boost to help them recognize that. Be that boost. Bring them hope. When you live to bring love and beauty to others, you find joy.

Let me illustrate this with a science lesson I did with my youngest children.  Pure light has all the colors of the spectrum. The colors we see are the pieces of the spectrum that get reflected back to our eyes.  The color white is a reflection of all the colors bouncing back. The color black is all the colors absorbed leaving nothing but darkness.

We took two pieces of paper, one black and one white, as well as a magnifying glass into the sun.  We started with the white paper and aimed the magnifying glass so that a small concentrated circle from the sun shined on the paper. It took a LONG time for that paper to catch fire.  In fact, they got bored and I had to promise flames would come several times to keep them attentive. As promised, eventually the white paper caught fire.

Next, we did the same thing with the black paper. Almost instantaneously the black paper caught fire. Why? Because, instead of reflecting the light, it absorbed it along with all the heat light contains.

We can do the same thing with our lives.  We can either continue to internalize all our injuries, pulling the light away and leaving nothing but darkness, or we can reflect the light and beauty around us.  Not only will we be useful and bring hope to others, but we’ll find joy in our own lives too.

One other lesson from light. Notice, when you reflect light it is harder for you to be burned. But, when you just absorb it all you are consumed in flame rather quickly.

Don’t wait on someone else’s repentance. Live. Love. Enjoy.

Dealing with Wrongs

One of my favorite Christian thinkers is C. S. Lewis. I wish I could have been present at the Eagle and Child when he and Tolkien sat around discussing their writings, sharpening one another’s skills. I long for someone of his intellect to sharpen my own with, but alas, I must content myself with his writings…..

I recently read an essay an essay he wrote extrapolating two views on judgment in the Scriptures: the Hebrew view and the Christian view. I was glad to see he later pointed out they are both present in one another. It would be too simplistic to divide them. Plus, if our God really is the same yesterday, today, and forever (which we know Him to be) than there must be some homogeny between the two.

The Christian view was said to be one of dread. After all, we have the parable of the sheep and the goats, and the judgment seat of Christ. Protestantism also has sermons like Jonathon Edwards’ Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. When Mr. Edwards read his sermon to his church, the congregants were clinging to the columns of the building for fear of falling into the flames of hell on the spot. I myself sometimes tremble when I read Scriptures that teach that we will even be held to account for every thoughtless word uttered. Can you think of any thoughtless words uttered you’d like to take back? I can and am ashamed by them.

The Hebrew view, however, is said to be one of rejoicing. God is the Righteous Judge who will avenge all the wrongs. They look forward to His judgment. “O Let the nations be glad and sing for joy: for thou shalt judge…” Psa. 67:4 As Lewis pointed out, judgment is great if you are the plaintiff and not the one “in the dock”.

The reason judgment is accurately portrayed as something we should both dread and rejoice in, is because we are consistently in need of both. I have often said that what we humans really want is justice for ourselves, but mercy from others. Though, it really should be the other way around. We have all done things, often inadvertently, that harmed others. On the flip side, we have all experienced wrongs done to us. Some wrongs, like a scraped arm, are easy to overlook. Other’s leave gaping wounds that need attending to or we could perish.

The Scriptures are clear in what to do on both sides of judgment. If  you’ve sinned against God, repent. If you’ve sinned against man, repent and make it right. If you’ve lied about someone, correct the lie. If you’ve stolen, pay restitution. Sometimes you need your bishop to step in and help with this, if the issues are serious enough. Other times they can be dealt with between one another. However, human help sometimes fails. So, what do you do then?

I once sat in the car of a woman who was in distress and needed an ear. After we talked about her current situation, I told her she should go to her bishop. This was serious and needed more authoritative ears than mine. She began crying and told me stories of former bishops she’d had dealings with that handled things….well, badly, is the only word I can come up with, and she was afraid to go to her bishop now for fear of the same thing happening. My heart ached for her. Her testimony was shaky because of those previous instances. She wondered how the gospel could be true if those bishops didn’t hear the Spirit correctly and know who was lying in her situation. After all, don’t they receive a special endowment of the Spirit to be the judge in Israel?

While it is true they are set apart for their position, it is naïve and, I will add, unfair, to think they will do their job perfectly. After all, I am set apart for my callings at church. Does that mean I will never miss a beat while conducting music, or that I will always have an answer when someone asks a tricky question during one of the times I’m teaching? Absolutely not. I’m human, and I suspect everyone around me knows it very well. So, are bishops. They will make mistakes, so don’t judge them too harshly. It is a fallen world and none of us are immune.

The problem is, we have to live in this fallen world. What if you are the one with a gaping wound and everywhere you turn there is no help? I think that is how the woman who spoke to me felt. I have had some gaping wounds myself. This last year I have run many times to my Jehovah-rapha, the God who heals. A wrong had left me feeling like someone had ripped out all the essential parts I needed to live. I no longer trusted anyone. But, I’m not the kind of person who wants to live like that. I want to love people, to serve them, to communicate with them thoughts and ideas. So, I went to my Father in Heaven and asked Him what to do.

He took me to His Son. The Savior, who had lived His life in service to His people. Think how many weary days He spent teaching and healing them. Then, when they were there for so long that they ran out of food, he miraculously fed them all too. He gave away many of His nights too. They ate up His service, following Him everywhere. Everything He offered they took. For a while they adulated him, even laying palms at his feet as He rode into Jerusalem. Then, just a few days later, these same crowds cried, “Crucify Him!”

They abandoned him to the Roman barbarity guised as justice, called Him a heretic, and allowed Him to be executed. Even those friends who were closest to Him abandoned Him. The horrible agony He felt at His crucifixion must have been intensified by the emotional pain He felt being alone. Then, when things could get no worse, even His Father in Heaven had to leave Him briefly, something neither you nor I will ever experience. 

There have been times in my life, weary and wounded I have knelt in prayer, and felt His hand on my shoulder saying, “I understand.” Normally when people say that, they don’t. But He does. Yet, He came out whole and righteous, still able to love and serve His Father. How did He do it? The first epistle of Peter tells us how:

“For even hereunto were ye called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow His steps:

Who did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth;

Who, when He was reviled, reviled not again; when He suffered, He threatened not; but committed Himself to Him that judgeth righteously;”  I Peter 2:21-23.

There is that Hebrew sense of judgment again. There is a judge in Israel who does not err. When you deal with the wounds of others righteously, it makes you more like Christ. You come out as a shining star leading others on a path of righteousness. You can do that, because you know there is a God who will one day right all the wrongs.

I’ve spoken the above passage to people many times. Once a woman said, “Good. I hope he never repents now and gets a taste of what he did to me at the judgment.” I don’t agree with that line of thinking. It wasn’t Christ’s thinking. He wanted them to repent. Even in the midst of His suffering He asked His Father to forgive them. We should too. Pray for those who’ve wronged you. I try to diligently pray for those who’ve harmed me, though not always as graciously as I could. Fortunately, He pricks my heart when I’m feeling callous. One day, if they repent, we can sit down in heaven together. Hopefully they’ll repent quickly and I can trust them even sooner and even sit down on earth with them-with all wrongs put aside.

Hungering and Thirsting

 

I’ve had a few rough days….months….years. There have been huge things to deal with. Sometimes several at once, not to mention the myriad of little daily stresses. Some of the problems were my own doing, and some were caused by others outside my control. I’m a little bit of…ok big…control freak. I like things a certain way. I like order. I like life to be tidy. I’ve had none of that the last few years. I can’t even keep my house clean.

I respond by trying to take control. I wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be perfect.” Sometimes I even make it to breakfast without sinning. But, you see the problem. At least if you know me you do. I’m not perfect. I want to be. I try to be, but I fail regularly.

Then, when I didn’t seem capable of fixing myself I decided it was time to fix someone else. In a previous blog I railed about someone who wronged me the other day. Someone who was dishonest. I’ve spent the last few days stewing about it. Then I realized I am holding that person to a standard I can’t meet myself. Perfection.

I was very tempted yesterday to give up. I mean really give up. I shut down for a couple of days and didn’t get anything accomplished. For a person on an extremely tight schedule that just compounds the problem. I’m not in any better of a spirit today, but did think some things through without passion, and read something that gives me hope. 

First, I cannot do someone else’s repentance.  I shouldn’t even try. It is up to that person to rectify a wrong. If they don’t, God will give me the grace to bear it.  Secondly, I had my own repenting to do. Thirdly, I had to come to terms with the fact that even after repenting, I am not going to be able to obtain perfection this side of eternity. I am going to sin regularly. That stinks. I want to be righteous. Here is where the scriptures gave me some hope. In the beatitudes it tells us, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.”

It didn’t say blessed are the righteous, but those who hunger for it. Those who desire it, but don’t have it. That’s me. One day I will be filled. One day I will FINALLY have the righteousness I desire. I’m sure even then it won’t be my own accomplishment, but will be the work of Christ imputed to me. But, at this point, I’d be happy for anything. I’m hungry.

In God We Trust

First off I need to tell you I am a hopeless romantic....and not just about romance. I'm romantic about life and friendships. So, what usually happens to hopeless romantics? Yup, they get squashed like little bugs. But, because they are romantics they peel themselves off the pavement, brush off the debris, and jump right in expecting great things to happen. Now there are a few things that can happen to our little bug. First, she can keep getting squashed over and over and over again, or she can become cynical and stop trusting in people completely, or she can learn a better place to put her trust than in people.

There are many wonderful passages in Jeremiah. One I've been thinking about a lot lately is Jeremiah 17: 5,7

"Cursed be the man that trusteth in man........

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord"

First let me say there are many wonderful people in the world. I know some of them. I could tell you about a family who gives up a large sum of money every month so that my children could continue their music lessons after my husband left me and my parents decided to no longer help me. They knew my son wanted to be a concert pianist, they knew he was gifted, and they knew there was no way I could continue their lessons. I don't know if they knew how important music education was to me. I don't consider it a nice option. I truly and deeply feel it is an important, necessary part of a child's brain development. I doubt they knew how I was in agony trying to figure out how in the world to continue the lessons. I was close to offering to be the teachers house keeper, but was worried that wouldn't work because he already had one. Whatever they knew, they stepped in and made a great sacrifice. They're not wealthy people, and there are many other things they could have done with that money. I DO believe there are great people in the world.

Life has also shown me that there are people whom you can love, admire, and trust with all your heart, who will hurt you, use you, even abuse you if possible. People who say one thing and do another. People who manipulate you for their gain. I've known parents who knowingly allow their children to be abused, or even do the abusing themselves. I have so little tolerance for people who hurt children, or who stand by without intervention and allow them to be hurt.

So, how do we respond to things like that? How do we keep from staying in a self preservation mode where we withdraw into ourselves all the time? I think it is by always remembering that there is really only one person you can trust....the Lord. He is the only one who will never use you, never harm you. When people do rotten things it is easy to become bitter. It is also easy to want to treat them as they deserve. I propose that instead we use the hurt to worship and grow closer with our Heavenly Father. Doesn't it make you appreciate Him so much more. Knowing He will not use you. He'll be there for you.

You know, as I type this there is that little nagging voice inside of me that is telling me I'm not being completely honest. I won't be able to post it if I feel there is dishonesty in it. So I will be. Although maybe you'll think I'm a hypocrite because I have so far to grow. The truth is, I'm always afraid that God will abandon me. And there have been times I wish He would have protected me better. Times I've begged Him to that He didn't. But, I have a STRONG testimony that our Scriptures are true. They tell me He has good reasons for everything He allows into our lives and I believe it. I'm scared, but I believe it. Maybe that doesn't make sense to you. Even though I'm still growing in my faith and trust, I know He is really the only one we can trust. If I focus on that, and growing my relationship with Him. It keeps me from becoming completely cynical. It helps the little bug in me dust itself off one more time and try again. Maybe this time they'll be a happy ending....... Don't you just love happy endings?