Looking for a test group

Dear Friends,

I’ve been a member for three years now. There have been many adjustments in my life because of my conversion to Mormonism. Learning a new faith is never easy. On top of that I had to simultaneously learn and begin a career quickly in order for my family to survive financially. Going from stay at home mom to working mom, while continuing to homeschool and build my life from scratch was NOT easy. However, the hardest part for me was learning new ways to think about God, about women’s rights/roles, about how the Spirit speaks to us, and about agency. I’m still learning. Though I have much to learn, I have come quite a distance.

I also learned that not everyone who is a member can be trusted simply because they are a member and everyone thinks they’re wonderful. The upside of that is, the Spirit warned me, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. Or rather, I thought I must be wrong, because people with much more experience with the Spirit were telling me differently. I now know better. Through the grace of God,  I won’t make that mistake again. I’ve learned to recognize the Spirit’s voice better. I’ve learned to trust it over my “counselors”. I’m excited that He warned me, because now I know I’m not dependent on my own judgment when it comes to trusting people.

There are things I miss about my old life very much, like orchestra. Most of them, however, I can live without and are just preferences. Others are more significant. Some of my old friends I miss tremendously, but I’ve also learned that our Savior means it when He calls us friend (D&C 84:63). I am not alone.  In addition to making new friends, I’ve grown to love solitude. I also have learned how to draw companionship from my relationship with my Savior.

One of the things I miss the most is in-depth inductive scripture study. I came from an academic church background. Plus, I’ve always had an almost insatiable appetite to learn. I’ve searched for inductive studies that incorporate LDS scriptures and haven’t been able to find any.  I had wondered if maybe I just haven’t located them (after all, I am a newbie), but after speaking with a friend who is very familiar with the LDS publishing industry (Gary Lawrence) I realized they don’t exist. That means if I am going to get to study the latter-day Scriptures the way I have the ancient ones, I’m going to have to write it myself.

This is where you come in. I’ll need a test group. I don’t want this to be useful only to me. If you would be willing to dig into your scriptures with me and give me feedback on what I write, I would be very grateful to you. I’m sure many of you will be able to add information to it, as you’ve all been Mormon many years more than I have.

If you’re interested, here is what it would require:

1. As I write sections of the study, you will do all of the assignments and reading.

2. When you’re done, you’ll write out what was helpful and what you wish were different.

3. If you think I left something significant out, tell me.

4. Don’t pass the studies on to anyone else until I feel they are ready.

5. It will also require patience. I have four children to raise, a home to run, as well as two jobs, and book revisions to do. I may not have every installment as quickly as everyone will want.

Still interested? Just leave a comment below with your email address so I know where to send it. If you are uncomfortable leaving your email address, just comment and then email me privately. My email is sophia.kai.charis@gmail.com . The first study I will do is on the book of Mosiah.

Please note that you do NOT have to be a Latter-day to participate in this test group. Also, this group will have a limited size. There will only be so many suggestions I will be able to usefully process, so I cannot let the group get too large.

A Potpourri of Hope

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. I have learned so much over the last few days that I feel like I’m trying to contain a waterfall with a child’s sand bucket. I cannot pick one theme that has stood out to me, so I hope you’ll put up with a potpourri of my thoughts.

Pre-earth existence

I’ll start with something that may seem trivial, but I love. It is always fun to me when I see something in Scripture that shows the restored doctrine has always been in the Bible if you have eyes to see it. When you’ve been blind for so long and suddenly get sight, even the most average of objects can seem spectacular. So, for those of you who’ve known these things your whole lives, please bear with my “playing catch up”.

One of the hardest doctrines to understand scripturally is our pre-earth existence. While it feels right and makes sense, the recovering Calvinist in me prefers Scripture. I was reading in John 9 the other day. In verse two, the disciples ask the Savior,

“Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Did you catch that? If he were BORN blind, how could he have possibly sinned? The only possible explanation is he existed before he was born. If that were not possible, the Savior would have pointed that out to HIs followers. Maybe He would have said something like, “How could he have sinned having not yet been born?”  Instead He answered,

“Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

I know it is a silly thing to get excited over, but to me it showed that the disciples understood there was an existence before birth.

Faith

Skipping a few days in my Scripture journal brings us to the topic of faith. I have really been convicted about this topic for some time. Every once in a while I think I see some progress, but then the Lord allows something to creep in that shows me I have so far to go still.

I was reading in 1 Nephi 7.

“….the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in Him………” vs. 12

Then later in verse 17 it says,

“….O Lord, according to my faith which is in Thee, wilt Thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren;….”

To be honest, every time I read my Scriptures the verses on faith just jump out at me. I know that Heaven works according to laws that are irrevocably set. Faith is one of the big ones. There is much our Father in heaven wants to do for us, but much of it depends on our faith.

This makes me nervous sometimes, because I know I fall so short of the mark. Whenever I read passages on faith I have such a deep, deep longing to do better, to be more than I am. When I read the passage in verse 17 that said “according to my faith..”  I wrote in my journal, “What if the Lord only did anything according to my faith? How much would then be accomplished for His kingdom?”

How painful that is for me to consider knowing my failings. I think about the father of Alma the Younger, whose faith brought an angel to call his son to repentance. Wow! What incredible faith. Though I rejoice in his faith, I’m saddened by my lack of it.  When will I get there?

Of course whenever I pray about my lack of faith and ask for the Lord to help me grow in and develop more faith, He reminds me of Alma 32. So, I guess that is the course He has outlined for me. Hopefully as I diligently follow it I will one day have the faith that can help others more readily find His kingdom.

Unrighteousness

This next lesson was not in Scripture, but through life and the Spirit. I’ve been struggling with the behavior of a man who has done several unrighteous deeds. It has caused me anguish, almost destroyed my testimony, and brought harm to my family.

I have spent countless hours in tears and prayer over it. I have confronted the man several times asking him to stop the behavior, only to have ridiculous excuses made. When I pressed him, he would accuse me of lacking charity for not accepting him as he is.

Every confrontation damaged both my soul and emotions further. It kind of came to a head this past Friday. I had lost all hope of trusting  him (or anyone) again, but thought it only fair to try again. That was a mistake and served in no way other than to make my day completely miserable and give me another few hours of tears and heartbreak.

The thought suddenly popped into my head, while praying, that this is exactly what Satan wants. I don’t think I could have hand picked a scenario more perfectly designed to destroy me. I had two choices. I could continue to struggle and try to make sense of his behavior, fruitlessly hoping for righteousness, or I could recognize that Satan was using this person to not only bring me harm, but stunt my growth, and not allow it any further.

It reminds me a little of the story of the tree of life (1 Nephi 8). The analogy doesn’t fit completely, but you’ll get the idea. Here are these people who’ve just had an opportunity to taste the fruit from the Tree of Life, but because scoffers came along they fell away and were lost.

I have tasted of the gospel. I have a testimony. I know what is true. Am I therefore to let go of the iron rod and give up the fruit of the gospel because of someone else’s indifference to righteousness? How stupid would I have to be?  Umm…don’t answer that.

Well, I wish I had more time. There is so much more I’ve learned, but I’ve got to exercise and get some wonderful children to bed. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant patience with me. I hope one day I will be the kind of person that brings Him much glory. Maybe I’ll even develop the faith of Alma, or Enoch, or ….

Oh! to be all that God wants! What could be better?

 

Taking Care of Souls-The mission of Motherhood

 

By Annmarie Worthington

Some of my precious souls having fun.

When a bishop in the novel Les Miserables was warned that by traveling to visit an isolated part of his flock he would be taking his life in his hands, he had the most delightful response. “I’m not in this world to take care of my life. I’m here to take care of souls.” I think this should be the battle call of every mother. We have been given a beautiful responsibility and privilege that goes far beyond anything the world calls important. If we could but catch a small glimpse of the vast importance of our job as mothers I really believe it would change the way we go about our lives.

Think about Heavenly Father taking one of His precious spirit children. He’s about to send them away into a world where they will forget most of what they knew in their pre-mortal existence. A world fraught with danger and temptation. A world where Lucifer, who hates both Him and His children, will try to destroy them and keep them from returning home. He has to place them in the care of someone. He chose you.

What an awesome responsibility! Many of you will remember the immense love that welled up inside you at the first glimpse of your child. You would take on the world for that precious child. Unfortunately, there are occasions in the midst of our everyday existence we forget what our role is. We get frustrated when they don’t care about our guidance and instruction. We get hurt when they ignore us, or argue. We get tired with our daily, monotonous responsibilities. Sometimes, we just get distracted. Something else catches our attention and tries to draw our heart away. Maybe it is the prestige of a promising, respected career. Maybe it is the thought of a beautifully decorated home. Or maybe we’re just exhausted from our many responsibilities. Whatever it is, and it is different for all of us, I really believe the thoughts and distractions are cunningly placed there by the enemy of our souls.

There is much expected of mothers, even without the burden of our Heavenly responsibility. We are expected to know how to nurse a wound and comfort a child simultaneously. We need to brush up on our fractions and algebra to help with math assignments, and know how to sew a costume for a play or recital. We have to be a negotiator between warring children, and a psychologist for our children in need of counsel. We need to help with music practice, teach them to ride bicycles, and decide with wisdom which of the four million extra-curricular activities available to them fits their needs and gifting. We’re to do all that while cheerfully keeping up with laundry, meals, housekeeping, and loving our spouses, if we are fortunate enough to have one. I haven’t even gotten to the spiritual responsibilities.

No wonder it is easy to get distracted. We don’t even have to be doing anything wrong to be led away from our real mission. It is hard remembering we are here to do more than raise productive citizens. We are here to take care of souls. Our children, like us, are eternal beings. If valiant, they will one day rule worlds of their own. Let’s do more than care about if they get a 4.0 grade point average, or a 30 on the ACT. Let’s train them to be valiant in their testimony of Christ. Let’s raise them to care about eternal matters.

Some ways to nurture souls

What a daunting task! How do we go about it? Well, I am navigating these responsibilities just like the rest of you, but some thoughts keep coming to my mind regarding the topic. First, we have to strive to be valiant ourselves. It will be much easier for our children to desire righteousness if they see it in us. Do they see us read our scriptures? Do they see us in personal prayer? Do they hear us talk about the commandments and how we are striving to fulfill them? It is impossible for us to be perfect, and believe me my children know I am not. But, when we do sin, we can be honest about it and show them what real repentance looks like.

When you are striving to be valiant, conversation about their lives and the gospel will be natural. It will just be who you are. They’ll expect that to be what comes out of your mouth. Deuteronomy teaches this. “And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” Deut. 6:7

I do know that when you have a passel of both children and responsibilities to deal with that just to carve out time to read your scriptures takes real commitment. And we’ll never be valiant without a commitment to reading our Scriptures. I’m right there with you in that struggle. I used to think it was a choice between my children seeing me read my Scriptures and really getting to read them without interruption, so I could have a complete thought. I came up with a solution that works for my life. The Spirit will tell you what will work for you.

I always keep a Scripture journal. In it I write down the chapters I read that day and any thoughts I had about my reading. I have some days I read while the children are awake and they see me reading and writing in my journal. Other days I’ve reserved for private reading that I am free to do before they are awake. But on those days, I will talk to my children throughout the day about what I’ve read and written in my journal. This way they know it is important enough for me to do it every day.

Secondly, we need to really know our children. What are the special gifts Heavenly Father has endowed unto them? How does He want them to use them? What are their personalities? Are they fearful and reserved, or bold and head-strong? Each spirit is different and learns differently. Each child has their own goals, dreams, and fears. Each of them has a task they were sent here to do. Our job is to help them both realize what that is and help them qualify. There is no short cut to such a proposition. What it takes the most of is time. Time spent talking to them, and especially listening to them.

They need to know we value their thoughts. When my oldest was young, he was completely into Bionicles. He would spend hours talking about them, what their powers were, what battles he set up in his room. He’d even quiz me on their powers. It didn’t bother him that I’d fail the quiz. He was just happy I would take it. If we don’t listen to them when they’re young and willing, they’ll quickly learn to not talk to us. When they know you’re truly interested, they’ll keep talking, even in their teen years.

Our time should also be spent researching their strengths and gifts. Time invested in helping them develop their talents. We have no idea what callings Heavenly Father has in mind for them. But, we can get glimpses of their path with the talents He’s given to them. The more they learn and develop their gifts, the more useful they can be to His kingdom.

Thirdly, we need to diligently seek to fulfill the brethren’s guidance for families. That means family prayer, daily Scripture study, family home evenings, parent-child interviews… everything the apostles have reiterated for us over and over in their conference talks. I’m not saying it is easy. These things won’t always be fulfilled in an ideal setting. I’m a single mom. I work four part time jobs and homeschool my children. Time is a precious commodity at our house. I don’t always get the freedom to determine how much time I have. I do, however, have the freedom to decide how to use the time that is allotted to me.

Family Home Evenings are hard for me. To set aside that much time on Monday evenings in a lesson and fun activity means staying up much later that night working one of my jobs. It means I will not get much sleep. But, I get do get to nurture souls. How lucky is that? Isn’t that worth a few hours less sleep? I think the key to that is the thought the bishop of Les Miserables had. Let us not be selfish with our time, our life, and desires. Let’s try to remember that we are not just here for ourselves, but to take care of souls. How great is the worth of a soul in the eyes of God.

Helping Evangelicals with Continuing Revelation

*In beginning work on a manuscript I thought it best to jot down my ideas here and we could flesh them out together. I’m especially interested in interactions you’ve had with protestants in discussing continuing revelation. What questions have you found hard to answer? Here are my thoughts…..

If you’ve ever tried to share the gospel with a conservative evangelical, you’ve probably heard the phrase, “There is no new revelation.” or something similar. While it may be hard for Latter-Day Saints to grasp at times, the Bible being the sole and final authority lies deep in the heart of many sincere Christians who love their God and serve His Son diligently. I was one of them, so I know. Sola Scriptura was one of the cornerstones of our faith beginning with the protestant reformation.

When I first began looking into Mormonism in order to “save a friend from hell” I thought it would be simple to show him the error of his ways. All I had to do was prove in Scripture the canon was closed and that would settle it. If the canon had already closed, there is no way the Book of Mormon could be true. He would see that Joseph Smith was a false prophet. That would be the first step toward redemption.

I started by looking for the passage that taught the canon was closed. I couldn’t find it anywhere. My next idea came in the form of calling one of my pastors and explaining my dilemma. I asked him to help me understand why we believe the canon is closed, so I could rescue my friend. First, he warned me to be careful because my friend was probably having a similar conversation about converting me with the leadership of his church. I told him I’d be offended if he weren’t. He continued by telling me that there was not anything in Scripture that definitively showed the canon was closed. I found that surprising. Why then is it preached so decisively from the pulpit? The answer he gave me was church tradition.

Personally, as a conservative evangelical myself, I didn’t find that answer convincing. The whole protestant reformation fought against church tradition as an authority. That was not what I was trained to put my faith in. I had always been taught to consider the Scriptures as the final authority. Finding his answer unsatisfying I decided to turn again to the Scriptures for my answers. In reality, that is how you will best help evangelicals to understand our faith as well. Scriptures alone will not convince them. That takes the Spirit. But in their mind, they’ll need the Scriptures. They’ll be more likely to hear the Spirit where there is no fear. They have no fear of the Bible.

An oft quoted passage in evangelical circles is found in Revelation that warns not to add or take away from this book. Many unpleasant experiences are promised to the offender. That passage never bothered me. Though many Christians take the phrase “this book” to mean the Bible, I realized that passage is only referring to the book of Revelation itself. To help someone else understand that, you could point out that Deuteronomy 4:2 has a similar injunction, but the church did not stop the canon after the Pentateuch. Neither did the Savior because he quoted from several post Pentateuch passages as authoritative.

Another item to point out in the same arena is that Revelation was NOT the last book of the Bible to be penned. Several were written after Revelation including James, Jude, and 2 Peter. But, that is not the only reason to believe in continuing revelation. There is a Scripture chain you can give them to read, ponder, and pray about. First Hebrews 13:8 tells us that “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” If that is so, He is willing to work with His children consistently.

The second link of the chain can be found in Amos 3:7 “Surely the Lord God doeth nothing until He reveals His secret unto His servants the prophets.” There are some people who will say that this particular verse was in the Old Covenant and that we are living in the New Covenant, therefore it is invalid. It is true that we are under a new covenant, but it is the same God. They may counter that God is the same, but His methods are not. In that case you could give them 1 Thessalonians 5:19-21 "Quench not the Spirit. Despise not prophesyings. Prove all things: hold fast that which is good." This is a New Covenant passage. Without further scripture to negate it, it still stands. This command also helped alleviate some of the guilt I felt in examining other beliefs to begin with. I could do it, because the Lord said I could.

In combination, these verses pricked my heart. They helped me realize there was at least the possibility of new revelation. Whether that came in the form of Mormonism or not, well…let’s just say the jury was still out on that one. Prayerfully, as you testify of the gospel with your protestant friends their hearts will be pricked as well. I know I’m grateful to learn all that is available to me through the restoration.

An Anchor to the Soul

I left church after Sacrament meeting today, which is something I never do.  I wasn’t feeling well. So I drove home, took some medicine, and tried to get some rest, but of course, I couldn’t sleep. You would think someone who lives on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night would conk right out, but my mind wouldn’t shut off.

Plan B was to read my Scriptures in silence. A rarity at this hopping house. I read something magnificent. For my Book of Mormon reading I am in Ether 12. It is so packed that this is day three on the same chapter. I just keep finding more gems. Right now I am compiling a three column list on everything Ether has to say about faith, hope, and charity in just this one chapter.

The verse I want to focus on right now is verse four:

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

If you’ve ever felt thrashed about by the storms of life, this verse should make you breathe a sigh of relief. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up on Staten Island. I sure miss that place sometimes. When I was a child riding the Staten Island Ferry, I would often go to one of the port holes and look into the churning sea. Although I loved the feel of the air and water as it sprayed up at me, the voyage itself frightened me, so I would sit and watch hoping nothing would go wrong with our voyage.

I was always fascinated by the gigantic chains that would place and withdraw the anchors and wonder how they could help keep such a massive boat in place. I still don’t know the technicalities of all of it, but somehow it worked. Our boat was sure and steadfast.

According to the Scriptures, faith is our anchor. This anchor, however, does way more than the ones on the ferries I grew up with. First, it gives us a hopeful, secure future. Ether called it a better world. It is better because we are at the right hand of God.  At first that phrase puzzled me.  At the right hand of God? No, that is the Savior’s rightful place-definitely not mine. Maybe it was my tiredness, but I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. The answer of course was obvious, but it didn’t occur to me.

I leaned over and asked dear Bishop Nance (he was bishop before our current one), whom I was sitting beside. Thankfully he didn’t call me an idiot for not remembering “the sheep and the goats”. When the author says we will be at the right hand of God, it is because that is where the sheep go. We go with the group destined for eternal life in the presence of God. That will most assuredly be a better world. In that world there will be joy, peace, godliness, honesty, truth, learning, safety, and righteous judgment, just to name a few things.

Why use an anchor analogy for that though? I know some who would say we cannot be sure of our eternal place. I disagree. Faith makes that eternity sure. We can not only hope, but be sure in our hope of it. Not because of our own merits, which I know frightens all of us and makes us worry about eternity. But, on the merits of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I can be sure of my eternity IF my faith is in the right place. Do I have correct faith in the person and work of the Savior? Is it the kind of faith the Scriptures teach us? A repentant faith unto good works? Then if so, I can be sure of eternity. Now that is better than any anchor I have ever seen on a ferry.

This anchor does more though. Heavenly Father doesn’t throw us into a tempest filled sea, leaving us to drown and suffer, merely saying, “Well at least you have eternity to look forward to.” No. Instead He says, “Use your anchor.” That anchor of faith makes us sure and steadfast. That anchor of faith allows us to abound in good works. That anchor leads us to glorify God. I can’t think of anything better.

When I am drowning in a sea of turmoil. And believe me I know what turmoil feels like. I can grab onto my faith. That frees me up to do the work God has set apart for me. I am excited about that! I can think of a dozen ways I have disappointed my Father in the last 6 months, knowing that if I had just grabbed my anchor, I could have avoided the mistakes all together. I can’t change the past, but I sure can remember to grab it in the future.

It can also keep me steadfast in the face of other’s sins. There are frightening people in this world, who do very bad things and are obvious about it. There are others who are more cunning and unexpectedly do bad things. I’m not sure which is more dangerous. It probably doesn’t matter, because both kinds leave wounds and damage our vessel. But this verse says we can be sure and steadfast even in the face of damage. It will not matter what kind of storm we are confronted with. Faith will lead us to glorifying God. We can do great works, even in the face of suffering. What an anchor that is!

One other thing just occurred to me. It says this anchor can lead us to glorify God. I periodically get emails or phone calls from people who say wonderful things to me. Things I don’t deserve. Sometimes they say they admire me. Most often lately they say they have a strong feeling Heavenly Father has an important work for me. Now, I am not an important person and I am sure every assignment Heavenly Father gives, even to the least of His children is important to Him. It did get me to thinking though. I know He has a work for me. We were all given assignments in the pre-mortal existence of how we could further the kingdom during our tenure here. What was mine?

While I do not think I can do anything more important than any other servant, I have been facing tremendous trials that were obviously designed by the enemy to keep me from service. I began to pray and ask Heavenly Father to show me my work. What is my mission? He gently reminded me that He had already told me. He puts desires in our hearts and minds that are designed to help us know and fulfill our mission. What I want more than anything else is to start a magazine AND write books designed to help Latter Day Saints not only become more valiant in their testimony of the Savior, but to give them the tools to minister and teach the gospel to protestant evangelicals.

All I have to do is hold on to the anchor, so I am equipped for every good work and not allow the storms I face to overtake me.

Incremental Revelation

I have learned so much in the last week that I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I’ll start with the temple. Yesterday I went to the Memphis temple to do initiatories and an endowment session. I was especially anxious to spend time in the Celestial room. I had 5 major things I was praying about that I needed direction. I typically sit close to the front so I can get to the celestial room more quickly.  On a side note……I like doing the prayer circle, but as a single woman it is awkward waiting up there all on my lonesome while the leader (or whatever he is called) asks for some poor schmoe to come up there to join me. Brothers, if you see a single sister waiting up there, jump up and join her.  Don’t leave her hanging! End of lecture.

When I got to the celestial room I grabbed some Scriptures and immediately started praying. At some point the burdens overwhelmed me and I started to cry. I laid out the big issues and asked Heavenly Father to lay out for me a plan. He said, “No.”  I said, “What?” He said, “I want to guide you little by little and you want the whole picture.” I said, “Ok.”, but a few minutes later decided to ask again in the hopes that I had misunderstood. Nope. Got the same answer. 

I’ll be honest. I found that disappointing. I wanted some answers! I needed direction. My heart was in a great deal of pain. AND I am confused about some things with regard to the gospel, the Spirit, and discernment. Not to mention the fact that I have so much on the plate, it would save some burden to get a great deal of direction at once. But, I trusted that Heavenly Father had a great reason. That submission was a good idea. It didn’t take long for me to start getting some answers.

The first answer I received was why he wanted to guide me little by little.  I’ve been reading a useful book by Gerald Lund entitled Hearing the Voice of the Lord. He wrote about incremental revelation, using the example of Nephi and the brass plates. Nephi was told to get the plates, but he wasn’t told how. He was kind of left to flounder on his own and figure it out. He made several attempts before having success. In his third attempt he said, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.” (I Nephi 4:6-7)

That is how I was feeling. God wants me to do these things, but doesn’t tell me how. Nephi was driven by faith, not knowledge. He had faith in Heavenly Father, therefore he would continue to try and figure out how to do what he was commanded to do. He had the same experience building the ship for their trip to the Americas. I Nephi 18:1 said he was given directions on how to build the ship, “from time to time”. I thought about that for a moment and it occurred to me that if the Lord had given him all the direction at once, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Let’s look at the example of getting the plates from Laban. The Lord knew that Nephi was going to have to kill Laban to get those plates. But, if he told that to Nephi, Nephi might have spent his entire life wondering in false guilt whether or not there was anything else he could have done to get those plates back and spare Laban’s life. Therefore, the Lord let him attempt diplomacy first and learn for himself there was only one solution. How merciful of God!

Using the example of the ship, it is easy to see the need for incremental revelation. If Heavenly Father told me to build a car and gave me all the directions at once, I can guarantee at the end of my building, we would NOT have a car. Sometimes in His wisdom, He gives the direction we need, as we need it. I’m now not as disappointed with the idea.

The next thing I learned, was also confirmed to me more solidly in my reading. I was struggling with a wrong committed by someone. I couldn’t understand why the Lord was seemingly ignoring it. However, the Lord whispered to my heart that maybe He isn’t ignoring it, but giving others another learning opportunity.

I wondered about that, but wasn’t sure if I understood the Spirit correctly. Then I read something that confirmed it to me. While writing about Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, Gerald Lund made the following observation: 

“But here is another lesson to learn from that experience. While Joseph was in jail all that time, the challenge of leading and exodus of thousands of Saints to safety in the dead of winter fell to the two senior Apostles, Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball. These were the very two men on whom would fall the task just eight years later of leading the Saints across more than a thousand miles of wilderness to the Valley of the Great Salt Lake. How’s that for “in service training”?

Often while we are undergoing our own learning experience, the Lord may be accomplishing His purposes with other people and in other settings. This is why it is foolish to think that we can fathom with our finite perspective the infinite and eternal purposes of God.”

Well, there is tons more that I learned this week that will have to wait.  There are little people who want me to come to their “club” meeting. Apparently it is time for my membership interview. I am one lucky mom.

Look to Me….

I had a wonderful time taking my son Dillon to his first concerto competition. Dillon is not much of a talker, so it was nice having him trapped in a car for several hours. Along with many other things, we talked about his fears. When I asked him what he was most afraid of, I thought his answer showed incredible wisdom, even if he did admittedly steal it from Professor Lupin (and JFK). He said what he most fears is fear itself.

That is so wise because the Scriptures teach us that faith and fear cannot coexist.  Ironically, I’m quite frightened by that fact. Aren’t I weird? People often write and tell me I am a woman of great faith. They are basing that on my conversion. While I understand what they feel, I don’t see it that way. I could do nothing else. I had to learn about the gospel. I needed to know what was true. I am nothing without my faith in Christ and I wanted to make sure I was serving Him as He was to be served. It is hard for me to see that as great faith.

Instead, what I do see is all my fear. I know that could keep me from what God would have me do. I don’t want it to. I want to confidently do whatever He wants. I want to be His completely. And yet I am overwhelmed with fear most of the time, which hinders those noble goals. Fears about understanding His will, fears about my future, fears about my children. Fears about the never ending bills. Fears about being able to keep up with my schedule. However, my biggest fear right now (aside from never being able to adequately provide for my children) is that I will be unable to trust anyone. Betrayals are hard no matter who commits them, but sometimes who the person is does make a difference. For me this latest one has.

I’ve been overwhelmed with doubts about everything, even (foolishly) the gospel. I’m so grateful for a Heavenly Father who doesn’t condemn me for those thoughts. He has patiently waited until I could calm down and then said. “Ok, you’re having doubts. Rather than get all panicky, let’s look at the gospel again.” So we did. I studied, examined, thought through it, and prayed fervently. I came to the same conclusion. This is the restored gospel. I’m glad I get to be a member. Whew! Yet all my other fears are still weighing on me.

As my fears crash around me incessantly, He keeps reminding me of one passage in particular. “Look to Me with every thought. Doubt not Fear not.”  I’ll keep trying. Every time fear creeps up, my goal is to just look to Him. I CAN trust HIM. The sacrificial atonement alone is evidence enough of that. So from now on I will try to do things even better. When I’m exhausted and don’t think I can do one more day, I will look to Him and ask Him what He wants me to do. When I cannot pay a bill, I will look to Him. When I get asked out on a date, (you know…whenever some godly single LDS man moves into the area in 600 years), I’ll try to say yes and not panic about what kind of person he is really. When I ache all over and just want someone to let me rest my head on them and hold me, I will look to Him. I’m assuming that is included in every thought.

Prayerfully, as I get better at this, it will become natural instead of instructive.

Hungering and Thirsting

 

I’ve had a few rough days….months….years. There have been huge things to deal with. Sometimes several at once, not to mention the myriad of little daily stresses. Some of the problems were my own doing, and some were caused by others outside my control. I’m a little bit of…ok big…control freak. I like things a certain way. I like order. I like life to be tidy. I’ve had none of that the last few years. I can’t even keep my house clean.

I respond by trying to take control. I wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be perfect.” Sometimes I even make it to breakfast without sinning. But, you see the problem. At least if you know me you do. I’m not perfect. I want to be. I try to be, but I fail regularly.

Then, when I didn’t seem capable of fixing myself I decided it was time to fix someone else. In a previous blog I railed about someone who wronged me the other day. Someone who was dishonest. I’ve spent the last few days stewing about it. Then I realized I am holding that person to a standard I can’t meet myself. Perfection.

I was very tempted yesterday to give up. I mean really give up. I shut down for a couple of days and didn’t get anything accomplished. For a person on an extremely tight schedule that just compounds the problem. I’m not in any better of a spirit today, but did think some things through without passion, and read something that gives me hope. 

First, I cannot do someone else’s repentance.  I shouldn’t even try. It is up to that person to rectify a wrong. If they don’t, God will give me the grace to bear it.  Secondly, I had my own repenting to do. Thirdly, I had to come to terms with the fact that even after repenting, I am not going to be able to obtain perfection this side of eternity. I am going to sin regularly. That stinks. I want to be righteous. Here is where the scriptures gave me some hope. In the beatitudes it tells us, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.”

It didn’t say blessed are the righteous, but those who hunger for it. Those who desire it, but don’t have it. That’s me. One day I will be filled. One day I will FINALLY have the righteousness I desire. I’m sure even then it won’t be my own accomplishment, but will be the work of Christ imputed to me. But, at this point, I’d be happy for anything. I’m hungry.

Becoming A Celestial Being

By Annmarie Worthington

*The following is an article I jotted down tonight. I don’t’ know if it will be helpful to anyone but me, but it helped to get the thoughts down.*

I want to reach exaltation. I bet you do too. The only problem is I don’t deserve it. Heavenly Father has said very clearly that He cannot look at sin with the least degree of allowance (D & C 1:31). If there is one thing I know above all others, it is that I sin. I fail all the time. The only thing that gives me hope is the next verse, “Nevertheless, he that repents and does the commandments of the Lord shall be forgiven.”

But repentance is more than being sorry for our sins. Spencer W. Kimball put it this way:

“Very frequently people think they have repented and are worthy of forgiveness when all they have done is to express sorrow or regret at the unfortunate happening, but their repentance is barely started. Until they have begun to make changes in their lives, transformation in their habits, and to add new thoughts to their minds, to be sorry is only a bare beginning.[1]”

There are days I see my failures and think there is no way the Lord can save someone like me. I sin and sorrow pierces my heart. I confess and forsake my sin, but before I know it there I am sinning again. What a wretched daughter of God I am! My poor Father must be so disappointed. Sure, I may make it into the lowest level of the celestial kingdom based on the atonement of Christ and my paltry attempts at keeping the commandments, but let’s face it, I’m not really celestial material.

However, something happened the other day that helped put it in perspective for me. My ten year old daughter came to me visibly upset. She, like her mother, was worried she did not deserve heaven. This precious daughter of God, who has more love and compassion than any child I know. This sweet girl, who even now, practices so she can be a good mother one day. The child who voluntarily goes to her room after losing her temper to read her scriptures and pray to get her heart right was worried. This child thought she might not make it either. At that moment, I saw her as I suspect Heavenly Father sees me- with complete love and compassion. I then found the words that had evaded my own conscience just moments before.

I pointed out to my dear daughter that Heavenly Father knew we could not be perfect. Yet, He loved us so much He provided a way to bring us back to Him. The atonement. No one is capable of sinning more greatly than the atonement can cover. If we believe in Christ, really believe in Him, we must also believe in His power. When God says the atonement covers all our sins, our faith must say, “even mine”. 2 Corinthians 9:15 puts it better than anything else: “Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.”

Now, if you are anything like my Rachel, you want to do more than have faith in the atonement. You want to have a Celestial spirit. So do I. While I believe it starts with having faith in his atonement and knowing our repentance brings restoration, it doesn’t stop there. Our Father is so kind. He knew we’d be grateful and want to bring Him glory. He knew we’d want to be valiant and make Him proud, so he made sure we could learn how. All throughout the Scriptures Heavenly Father gives us ways to be more like him. I wish we could sit for hours and talk about all of them, but alas, this is one article. Therefore I will to focus on just one book. After all, even a long journey begins with a single step.

Our Heavenly Riches

The book of Ephesians is filled with more depth of riches than we are capable of mining this side of eternity, but even just skimming the surface we can come away with jewels more valuable than all the riches of the universe.

There are six chapters in Ephesians and it can be split right in half. The first three chapters tell us of our marvelous position in Christ. As children of the King of Heaven we can scant imagine what is ours for the taking. But, for me, the key passage comes in the first verse of the second half of the book. “I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called.” (Ephesians 4:1)

That’s it right there. Once we understand our riches in Christ, which the first three chapters delineates so well you can see your spiritual cup filled to overflowing, he tells us simply to walk worthy. We have been given every grace imaginable. Our sinless Savior died so we could once again enjoy the riches and fellowship of a relationship with our Heavenly Father. Not only that, but He was kind enough to also impart to us His Spirit, which Ephesians calls “the earnest of our inheritance”. How can we not live worthily? Who would not say, “Lord, what would you have me do?” That is what being a Celestial spirit is. It is consistently looking for ways to honor and glorify our Father in Heaven.

A place to start

Fortunately Heavenly Father did not give abstract concepts when he had Paul pen the words to show us how. The remainder of the book is terrestrially practical. His first exhortation to us is to show forbearance to one another in love. He even told us how. “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,…” Eph. 4:2 Don’t you kind of wish he would have given us something easier to start out on?

I think He did it on purpose. Heavenly Father knew that even if this was the only celestial concept we got down, we would be closer to being like Him than almost any other commandment. Loving others is hard, because they are as messed up as we are.

So what does this mean? Essentially it means we are to put up with each other. But, not only that, we are to do it while loving them. Maybe someone has slandered us, or maybe someone mistreats us. It is easy, in our carnal state, to think we deserve better. But why? Why do we deserve better than our Savior? If He can suffer humiliation and death on our behalf, why can we not suffer and love his children anyway.

I could list countless ways I’ve been wronged. Yet it doesn’t even begin to measure up to what the Savior suffered. So, how can we live this out? I think we start by forgiving those who wrong us, being patient and truly longsuffering with those who annoy us, and praying for those who spitefully use and mistreat us. Maybe we can find a way to bless and serve someone who hurts us this week. Or maybe we can figure out something wonderful about them. Invite them to dinner and try to find out what is special about them. There will be something special in them. Ephesians tells us we’ve all been given special gifts. Let’s find out theirs.

Unfortunately, there is not enough space in this article to go through all the wonderful ways Paul outlined for us to walk worthily, but you can study them yourself. He lists the word “walk” at least six times in those final three chapters of Ephesians, giving much practical advice on what to do. As my sweet daughter and I strive to walk worthy of the immense gift we have been given in the atonement, maybe we’ll actually become Celestial beings in a Telestial world. That is my hope and joy.

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[1] Spencer W. Kimball, "What Is True Repentance?", New Era, May 1974, 4

Questions, Questions

Lately I’ve been trying to write in my blog once a week.  It helps me think.  The problem I have is this week has been filled more with questions than anything else.  Even my Scripture reading leads to more questions.  I used to have someone to regularly dialogue that through with, but don’t anymore. 

I wish you could see my poor Scripture journal.  It’s filled with scribbled notes and LOTS of question marks in the margin.  Those indicate things I don’t understand and need to learn more about.  Some of them are probably simple to life time members, such as is the Spirit of Christ and the Holy Spirit the same thing?  Others are deeper. Still others are just things I wonder about myself. 

In a talk given by a dear brother in my ward last week, he made the statement “Everyone in mortality is perceptually challenged.”  I agree with that.  I also wonder how we get past that to see clearly.

There was however one neat thing I learned this week.  I read this week in Galatians 4:7 “Thou are no more a servant, but a son.” (daughter in my case). I’ve read my New Testament many, many times through.  I don’t know why this was the first time I had ever really grasped that verse.  I am more than a servant.

Previously, I had only seemed able to see myself as a servant. My job was merely to obey God and know Him.  But it is more than that.  He’s a Father to me.  Just as I’ve been learning to see Him as my companion, I can see Him as the Father I long for.  Unfortunately, I still haven’t gotten past looking to the “arm of flesh”.  There are days when I reach out for His companionship as a last resort.  One day, He’ll be who I think and desire to turn to first.  Too bad He doesn’t answer right away sometimes.

I’m glad eternity is so long, because I’m going to have a very long question list when I get there.  Hopefully I can knock a few of them off the list in the meantime.

How I became Mormon....part 2

The day after I received my Book of Mormon I began studying it. I would set aside one to two hours each day to read it and compare it with the Bible, writing down any questions and what appeared to be contradictions to the scriptures. Then, each Thursday evening, after my children's piano lessons, I would sit down with Neil and ask my questions. The first thing I remember was that the Book of Mormon was not what I expected. It was much more in line with the Bible than I thought it would be. Although, I couldn't understand why it was so much more specific than the Bible.

The skeptic in me decided that Joseph Smith was just taking information from the Bible and writing a "new" testament. That theory changed when I read the story about Joseph Smith's reaction when Martin Harris lost some of the manuscript translations. I then realized then, whatever Joseph Smith was, he was no scam artist. He truly believed everything he was writing was true. That left two options: Either Mormonism was true or it was a cleverly designed scheme of Satan and Joseph Smith was the first of the dupes to believe it.

I had to know which option was correct.

My faith, at that time, taught the canon was closed, meaning there would be no new scriptures other than what was already in the Bible. If that was true, the Book of Mormon was false doctrine. End of story, so I decided to follow that line of investigation. I remember early on calling one of my pastors, Todd Murray, for help. I just couldn't figure out where in the Bible we derived the fact that the canon was closed. No matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find a passage that even hinted at it.

To the contrary, I found verses such as I Thessalonians 5:19-21 "Quench not the Spirit. Despise not prophesyings. Prove all things: hold fast that which is good.", and Amos 3:7 "Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.", and Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever." To me it looked like there was still precedence for God to speak. After a brief conversation with Pastor Murray, he admitted there is no scriptural support for the closing of the canon.When I asked why we believed it was so, his response was church tradition.

Church tradition? Really? Isn't that in part what the whole protestant reformation fought against? Didn't Luther himself say he had to be convinced by scripture to change his mind on his beliefs? Now I'm supposed to go to Neil and cite church tradition? Not likely. That conversation opened up the possibility to me that there could be new Scripture. Now my job was to find out if it was. Just as Thessalonians taught, I needed to "Prove all things".

As we met, there were several differences in doctrine that I had to examine and try to discern which was true. Some of the first that came up were the need for baptism as a requirement of salvation, the doctrine of the Trinity (a biggie for me), the continuation of an actual line of priesthood, as well as the laying on of hands for receiving the Holy Ghost. There were many others, of course, but those were my starting points.

I would ask my questions and Neil would photocopy chapters from Articles of Faith and Jesus the Christ by James Talmage. Eventually he just handed me both books to borrow, citing the need to save trees. Funny guy. Now I had more material to read as I studied.

One Thursday afternoon, Neil called me on the phone and asked if he could invite some sister missionaries to come and watch my children while we talked, so we wouldn't be so distracted. I agreed, not knowing there was a rule that missionaries couldn't watch children. When I arrived for lessons that evening with my list of questions Neil casually mentioned that he also invited a couple of elders. So, by the time lessons ended, the children were playing quietly in the back room by themselves, and I was sitting around Neil's kitchen table with five Mormons, four of which were missionaries. It was slightly intimidating to say the least. I was worried my questioning things would come across defensive, or worse offensive, but the missionaries were always gracious and understood my motives--at least most of them did.

This went on for close to three years. I went through many wonderful sets of missionaries. Occasionally Neil would invite some other ladies from his ward to sit in on the discussions to introduce me to some women from his church. One of those ladies, Vicki Lorimer, later became a lifeline for me.

There were times I had a greater understanding of things than others. I still remember the day I was reading my Bible and realized we were supposed to receive the Holy Spirit by the laying on of hands, the only prerequisites seeming to be repentance and baptism.

I didn't want there to be any part of the Bible I wasn't at least trying to obey, but my church didn't practice the laying on of hands for the Spirit. I devised what, to me, was a simple solution.

I emailed Neil and told him I now understood that we had to receive the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. Seeing as I had repented and was baptized, and he held the authority to lay hands at his church, maybe he could confirm me after lessons that week. Looking back at the naivete of that suggestion, I wish I could have seen Neil's face when he first read my earnest email.

When I arrived for lessons that evening, Neil tried to explain to me why that wouldn't work, but I just wasn't getting it. I did realize that Neil would be breaking some rules to comply to my request and I certainly didn't want to get him in any trouble. I would just have to content myself with continuing to study and determine the truth.

When this all began, I was sure I was right. I would faithfully ask my companions in my Ladies' ensemble group to pray for "my Mormons". Hoping they would come to my faith. Eventually, however, I began to realize there was a very strong possibility that they were right—and I was wrong. I didn't dare say anything to anyone at church about my doubts. It would get me in a tremendous amount of trouble.

The boldest I would get in sharing my doubts was to change my prayer request from praying for "my Mormons" to asking for wisdom. My daily prayers changed from, "Lord, please help Neil understand the truth." to "Father, please show both of us what is true." I figured that covered it either way. I began to grow uneasy. I felt my whole foundation crumbling underneath me and I didn't know where to put my feet. My whole life revolved around my faith. I realized I had started on a path that could not be retracted. I now HAD to know which was true.

In the meantime, my friends began to notice my uneasiness. Some of them wondered if the piano teacher had too strong an influence over me. They knew I thought highly of him and that my marriage was not easy. I assured them not to worry. If only they could see how much I still argued the doctrine. Still, they were uncomfortable by what they now considered my fascination with Mormonism. My husband also became concerned about what he perceived as my defense of Mormonism in our discussions about what I was learning. When, one evening, I refused to say I was convinced Mormonism was a false religion he hit the roof.

He told me I was no longer to read, study, talk about, or even think about Mormonism again. I was ordered to return all the reading materials and limit my conversations with Neil to life and piano. Religion was not to be brought up again. I was devastated, but I submitted. The church I attended taught that wives were to submit to their husbands in all things. There was a clause in there that said we could not be ordered to sin, but I wasn't sure this fell into that category. I returned everything to Neil (except my Book of Mormon which I kept hidden under my mattress. I guess I had a little bit of rebel in me.) and explained to him we would no longer be able to discuss theology. Neil took that in stride and went back to our discussions revolving around piano. I, however, did not fare so well.

I was truly confused about what to believe. What if God was different than I had been taught? What if there was more Scripture, as well as a whole line of priesthood authority and blessings that came with that? If that was so, I was not obeying God as He wanted. Possibly I didn't even know Him at all. What if, like the Pharasees, in the New Testament I was dishonoring the God I thought I worshipped? What if I was teaching my children incorrect theology? Every decision I made was now suspect. Plus, so much of our daily lives revolved around the teaching opportunities I had with my children. Even our academics in our homeschool were saturated in theology. Every part of my life was shrouded in doubt. I began to fall apart and didn't know how much longer I could continue in that state of mind.

I begged my husband to allow me to continue to study. I pleaded with him to understand I had to know what to believe. He kept saying he would tell me what to believe. As submissive as I am, I knew that wouldn't work. I explained to him it had to be my beliefs--not his, but he wouldn't budge. I felt close to a nervous breakdown. He grew angrier and more resentful of me because I could not seem to get past this desire to study further. Things kept getting more and more tense in our home. Istill submitted and did not study or discuss things, but I was absolutely miserable and felt completely pulled into tiny pieces.

Eventually one of my friends, ironically the colleague of Neil's that told me to go to him for lessons in the first place, went to the leadership of my church and told them she was concerned about a relationship I was in with a Mormon male. Brent and I were summoned to one of the elders homes to meet with he and his wife. There I was told of my friend's concerns. I was also told that I was no longer allowed to take my children to piano lessons.

Brent and I were both furious. First they implied that there was impropriety going on, which we all knew to be untrue. Brent said if the husband of the home was not concerned about the friendship than neither should they. They said it was their final decision. Either I discontinued taking the children to the piano teacher, having no further communication with him, or I would be kicked out of choir, orchestra, ladies ensemble, and my teaching responsibilities.

I was devastated. Who could I replace Neil with for my son? There wasn't another qualified teacher within hours of driving. This time I dug in my heels. I told them if they could find a suitable replacement for Dillon's instruction, I would switch teachers. But, I certainly didn't think they had the right to determine who could be a family friend. They disagreed and I was officially kicked out of the ministries at church. They replied that even if there was no impropriety, which we all now agreed there wasn't, it was irresponsible for me to expose my children regularly to a Mormon. I left the meeting angry and feeling completely defeated and hopeless. The fact of the matter was, I wasn't even sure Mormonism was true, but I certainly felt the need to find out.

Click here to read part 3.