There are things, which out of necessity and consideration of others cannot be spoken of publicly. Those are the things that weigh on my soul. I’m the kind of person that has to sort things out, and likes to have someone to talk to about them to help me sort. When there are private issues, that cannot be dealt with that way, I seem to cave in on myself. I have been this way for about nine months.
Life got much harder for me back in February. Inwardly my heart has wept. At times it has railed. Often it has been confused. I have, at times, responded incorrectly. I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, and re-live it so I could respond the best way this time. I would do things so differently. But, life just doesn’t work that way.
Occasionally, I mistakenly feel that God has forgotten about me, or worse yet, rejected me. I know that is not true. Every time His Spirit teaches me, or whispers to me, or comforts me, I know it is not true. But, those doubts and fears do tend to creep in. It is hard navigating life alone. Especially a new life, where all the terminology and rules are different. Sometimes I feel like I need a Mormonism for Dummies book. I hear they make those, but it probably isn’t exactly what I am looking for.
Tonight, I felt comforted. There are large periods of down time when I work at the recording studio, so I get some time to read my Scriptures. I read 1 Samuel 23, 3 Nephi 13, and Abraham 4. I love how even when I’m reading chapters from very different books God can weave them together to tell me just what helps me the most.
My secret hurt, that has been plaguing me unendingly for months, felt a little lighter tonight. I hope it stays that way. At least two times in the Nephi passage there was the phrase, “Thy Father, who sees you in secret, shall reward you openly.” It’s funny, but it is not the reward concept that comforts me. It is the idea that My Father sees in secret. He knows EVERYTHING. He knows everything that has happened. He knows all my responses- good and bad. He knows what it has done to my heart. He knows what it has done to my family. He knows what it has done to my stamina. He knows. Doesn’t that feel wonderful?
Then, directly after that, I read in Abraham 4. Verse 18 states, “And the Gods watched those things which They had ordered until it obeyed.” It reminded me so much of those passages in the Psalms that says, “The word of God will not return void.” I love those passages. That tells me that if God says something, or promises something, not only is it actually the truth, but He will make sure it happens. What peace and comfort that brings me! I’m so grateful we are being watched.