To anyone who reads my blog it is no secret that I’ve been going though a straining time lately. Last weekend it seemed to come to a head for me emotionally. I fell apart. Never had I felt so alone. I begged God to please remember me. I couldn’t understand why after everything I had been through that Heavenly Father would be unwilling to protect me from some recent trials. I was feeling quite sorry for myself. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I could keep going. There have been a few times in my life that I had considered suicide. The most difficult to pull out of was right after my excommunication.
My husband had left, I had no means of supporting my children, I had lost every connection and friend I had and I wasn’t sure if it was for the true faith, or a Satanic deception. The worst part was I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t tell me which it was. I prayed so fervently every day for Him to tell me what was true. Each time I was greeted with silence. Was it because of something wrong with me? Was it because I was unworthy? Or was it because God didn’t exist? An affirmative to any one of them left me without hope.
I distinctly remember laying on my bed and planning out the best way to just end it. I had come to some semblance of a plan, when one of my sweet children walked in, lay down next to me, and starting rubbing my face. It hit me. I didn’t have the luxury of quitting. I had four souls who depended on me. If for no other reason I would continue for their sakes. So, I dragged myself out of bed and began to make supper for them.
I have never forgotten that evening. It keeps me going regularly, as it did this past weekend. I can exist for their sakes. I will do my best to pull myself through what is brought to my path. That does not, however, make existing any easier. Because of that I was pouring my heart out to God asking Him why. After I had no tears left, I got up and decided the only course of action was to read my Scriptures.
I was reading in Ether chapter six. I always read with my Scripture journal in hand whenever possible and write down things that occur to me, and my questions. The first thing I wrote from that day was from the end of verse four:
“….commending themselves unto the Lord their God.”
Regarding that passage I wrote, “Why is this so hard for me? This is what I must do, entrust myself to Him completely.” Right after that verse it spoke of the tempest they were suffering and the fear they felt. I remember thinking how hard it must have been to not feel forgotten themselves down in the deep, frightened, and unsure of the course set for them. Maybe they felt abandoned too, or as if they were unimportant to God.
Then I read verse 8 and it put a little light on our trials.
“And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.”
It occurred to me that the most frightening thing in their lives was the very thing that was bringing them to the promised land. Maybe so it was for me. Each trial, each heartbreak, each betrayal is specifically designed to bring me to the Celestial Kingdom. It is preparing me in some way for my eternity. Every once in a while I wonder if our calling in the Celestial Kingdom is in direct proportion to our trials and growth experiences on earth. If so, my eternity is going to be awesome!
If I can try to remember that the tempest is driving me forward to Heavenly Father, it will make the storm less frightening. I could sit back in the arms of my Father and just enjoy the waves. At least now I can try to remember that my tempest has a purpose.