A Potpourri of Hope

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. I have learned so much over the last few days that I feel like I’m trying to contain a waterfall with a child’s sand bucket. I cannot pick one theme that has stood out to me, so I hope you’ll put up with a potpourri of my thoughts.

Pre-earth existence

I’ll start with something that may seem trivial, but I love. It is always fun to me when I see something in Scripture that shows the restored doctrine has always been in the Bible if you have eyes to see it. When you’ve been blind for so long and suddenly get sight, even the most average of objects can seem spectacular. So, for those of you who’ve known these things your whole lives, please bear with my “playing catch up”.

One of the hardest doctrines to understand scripturally is our pre-earth existence. While it feels right and makes sense, the recovering Calvinist in me prefers Scripture. I was reading in John 9 the other day. In verse two, the disciples ask the Savior,

“Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Did you catch that? If he were BORN blind, how could he have possibly sinned? The only possible explanation is he existed before he was born. If that were not possible, the Savior would have pointed that out to HIs followers. Maybe He would have said something like, “How could he have sinned having not yet been born?”  Instead He answered,

“Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

I know it is a silly thing to get excited over, but to me it showed that the disciples understood there was an existence before birth.

Faith

Skipping a few days in my Scripture journal brings us to the topic of faith. I have really been convicted about this topic for some time. Every once in a while I think I see some progress, but then the Lord allows something to creep in that shows me I have so far to go still.

I was reading in 1 Nephi 7.

“….the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in Him………” vs. 12

Then later in verse 17 it says,

“….O Lord, according to my faith which is in Thee, wilt Thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren;….”

To be honest, every time I read my Scriptures the verses on faith just jump out at me. I know that Heaven works according to laws that are irrevocably set. Faith is one of the big ones. There is much our Father in heaven wants to do for us, but much of it depends on our faith.

This makes me nervous sometimes, because I know I fall so short of the mark. Whenever I read passages on faith I have such a deep, deep longing to do better, to be more than I am. When I read the passage in verse 17 that said “according to my faith..”  I wrote in my journal, “What if the Lord only did anything according to my faith? How much would then be accomplished for His kingdom?”

How painful that is for me to consider knowing my failings. I think about the father of Alma the Younger, whose faith brought an angel to call his son to repentance. Wow! What incredible faith. Though I rejoice in his faith, I’m saddened by my lack of it.  When will I get there?

Of course whenever I pray about my lack of faith and ask for the Lord to help me grow in and develop more faith, He reminds me of Alma 32. So, I guess that is the course He has outlined for me. Hopefully as I diligently follow it I will one day have the faith that can help others more readily find His kingdom.

Unrighteousness

This next lesson was not in Scripture, but through life and the Spirit. I’ve been struggling with the behavior of a man who has done several unrighteous deeds. It has caused me anguish, almost destroyed my testimony, and brought harm to my family.

I have spent countless hours in tears and prayer over it. I have confronted the man several times asking him to stop the behavior, only to have ridiculous excuses made. When I pressed him, he would accuse me of lacking charity for not accepting him as he is.

Every confrontation damaged both my soul and emotions further. It kind of came to a head this past Friday. I had lost all hope of trusting  him (or anyone) again, but thought it only fair to try again. That was a mistake and served in no way other than to make my day completely miserable and give me another few hours of tears and heartbreak.

The thought suddenly popped into my head, while praying, that this is exactly what Satan wants. I don’t think I could have hand picked a scenario more perfectly designed to destroy me. I had two choices. I could continue to struggle and try to make sense of his behavior, fruitlessly hoping for righteousness, or I could recognize that Satan was using this person to not only bring me harm, but stunt my growth, and not allow it any further.

It reminds me a little of the story of the tree of life (1 Nephi 8). The analogy doesn’t fit completely, but you’ll get the idea. Here are these people who’ve just had an opportunity to taste the fruit from the Tree of Life, but because scoffers came along they fell away and were lost.

I have tasted of the gospel. I have a testimony. I know what is true. Am I therefore to let go of the iron rod and give up the fruit of the gospel because of someone else’s indifference to righteousness? How stupid would I have to be?  Umm…don’t answer that.

Well, I wish I had more time. There is so much more I’ve learned, but I’ve got to exercise and get some wonderful children to bed. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant patience with me. I hope one day I will be the kind of person that brings Him much glory. Maybe I’ll even develop the faith of Alma, or Enoch, or ….

Oh! to be all that God wants! What could be better?

 

Dual Post: True Love and A Look at Sin

At my daughter’s violin teacher’s home there is a portrait of Mary, the mother of Jesus, at the crucifixion. You don’t see the crosses, only the pained face of His mother, watching her son being tortured. Looking into her eyes you see the fulfillment of Simeon’s prophecy that a sword will pierce her very soul. I’ve often wished to obtain a copy of that picture as a reminder to me of the Sacrifice given on my behalf.

No matter what kind of life you lead. If you are single, married and unloved, or even have never been loved by even your parents, you can know that there is one person that when He says He loves you, He means it. Think about all He sacrificed, willingly on our behalf. Picture his great drops of blood when he took on Himself our sin and infirmities.

Even today, when we continue to sin, he pleads on our behalf. I love this passage in Doctrine & Covenants:

“Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before Him----

Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of Him who did no sin, in whom Thou wast well pleased:  behold the blood of Thy Son which was shed, the blood of Him whom Thou gavest that Thyself might be glorified;

Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on My name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.”

That is true love. Love which willingly gives His all. Such love deserves true devotion in return. Such love has the right to ask us to do anything, no matter how difficult. There are times when I am frustrated with life and I have to remind myself of the Savior’s love and remember that He isn’t asking me to do anything that doesn’t pain Himself equally.

I had told a friend from church in frustration the other day, “You know, my life wasn’t easy before I joined the church, but it has been much harder since.” I don’t blame the church of course. I knew the life I was signing up for when I made my decision. It doesn’t however make it any easier.

Therefore, when I am struggling or having a wretched, exhausting day, I remind myself of my beautiful Savior. He’s not asking me to do anything needlessly. He loves me. I love Him too, therefore I should willingly, even gratefully do whatever He requires.

I said this was a dual post because I’ve been having two disparate thoughts this week and I couldn’t think of a good segue…so I’m cheating.

I’m re-reading one of my favorite novels Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. My son’s about to read it for school, so I needed to do a touch up on it. There is a passage in the beginning that is describing a godly bishop. It says,

“He was never quick to condemn and he always took into account the surrounding circumstances. He would say, ‘Let’s see how this sin came to pass.’”

I think there are two applications to  this. The first is the one intended. Few people wake up and go, “I think I shall sin today.” There are generally circumstances that creep in and gradually, sometimes before they know it, they are sinning. Sometimes emotions and history factor into the situation. The point is, we can’t really know what someone is going through, or what led them into the sin they’re committing. Because of that, we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. Let’s try to understand and love the person. Then we can help them with their sin.

There is a second application to this as well. A personal one. When we sin, we need to say to ourselves, “Let’s see how this sin came about”. Sin is inevitable. We are fallen people. If you’re like me, you want desperately not to, but know you will fail. I fail all the time. My heart breaks when I do. Sometimes though, I can learn from my failures. I can say to myself, “How did this come about?” Maybe I can see a pattern that I can avoid. A way to keep myself from falling into the same trap. It is a good habit to get into.

Hopefully in the future I can give myself more wisely to the one who truly loves me.

 

The Best Big Brother

I read the most encouraging verse last night. I have been struggling with quite a few emotions over the last couple of weeks. I’ve run into some people from my old church, and though one of them was polite, many have been….I guess the closest word I can come up with is “frustrating”.  Compound that with the multitude of nasty rumors I’ve heard recently and I had kind of had it. The funniest one was to hear that I was married to a man that I had left my husband for. Apparently the whole Mormon thing was just a cover. Oh..and my new husband is quite wealthy so the children and I have a very posh life right now.  People puzzle me.

So, I was dealing with that, as well as other liars, which left me feeling quite alone. I have no way of correcting the lies, which is quite a helpless feeling, actually, especially when you feel alone. I don’t really have many close friends yet. Starting over isn’t easy, especially when you’re not just starting over socially, but fiscally and theologically as well.  Developing real friendships is hard, mostly because  it takes a lot of time and I’m a little short on that commodity. Plus, I’m more hesitant to trust than I used to be.  I’ll always have my dear friend Vicki, whom I treasure and feel certain I can trust, but we live a distance apart.

Last night I was exhausted. I was trying to get ready for my daughter’s birthday party (cake, crafts, house cleaning, etc.), I had to work, people kept needing things, children were fighting, and I could literally feel myself falling behind. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed with the tasks before me I get lonely. I decided my best course of action was to take some extra time to read more Scriptures. I was so glad I did. I came across this passage:

“But behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst…..” D & C 38:7

I had the most overwhelming feeling of love, and the sudden feeling that the Savior was right beside me. Not only that, but He was letting me know that He knew what I was going through. It gave me the impression that He knows and understands what I’m feeling. I’m not really alone. It was a remarkable feeling. I’ve often felt like the Savior was aware of me and my circumstances, and that He had compassion. Last night, however, I felt like he was literally beside me. It is not a feeling I will easily forget.

We really are a blessed people. Not only do we have a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give His only begotten Son for our atonement, but that Son (our brother) comes alongside us even after His remarkable sacrifice, to be a support.

I knew girls growing up who had really great brothers. Brothers who loved them and looked after them. Brothers who enjoyed them and liked spending time with them. They were companion and protector simultaneously.  I was jealous of those girls. Now I realize I am one of them.  And so are you.

Our Brother and Savior knows us. He is in our midst. What a precious gift! To me, one of the best parts is that He is an honest Brother and Friend. He won’t tell us what we want to hear for personal gain, or to get something out of us. He tells us the truth. If we need and deserve encouragement, He’ll give it. But, if we need correcting He does that too. It’s not hard accepting His criticism, because we know it is done in real love. He has the right to correct.

I don’t know how I can feel discouraged with knowledge of such a Friend. I am truly blessed. Even as I type this, I realize in reality I will still have days I don’t remember this at all and get discouraged again. Hopefully typing it out will help solidify it in my mind. We’ll see. At least for now I remember I have a Savior who is the best big brother one could ever hope for.