I found myself saying something that worried me today. My daughter Rachel (pictured on the right) had been hurt by someone she loved and looked up to. As we were talking about it, I said Rachel you can’t put your trust in people. They’ll all disappoint you at some point. There is only one person you can trust. She asked, “Myself?” I laughed and said “No, you’ll disappoint you also, even though you won’t mean to.” You can only trust the Savior. Well, and Heavenly Father.”
While that final statement is accurate, I worry about the rest of it. I don’t know how to help her find a balance. We have to trust people at some level. For instance, I had a lovely dinner with one of my favorite families from my Ward, the Nances, Saturday night. I do trust them. I think they are incredible godly people who love the Savior and serve Him with all their heart. Then there is a part of me that has my guard up, with all the “what ifs” floating around my brain.
Don and Mary Ellen, I know you’ll be reading this at some point. I’m using you guys as an illustration simply because I love you and feel you can be trusted. I hope you know that.
My point is I’m tired of all the what ifs. But, whenever I put down my guard, the what ifs happen. So is it stupid and naïve not to have them? Or is it unloving and cynical to have them? To be honest, I think life experience probably factors into that more than anything. I will never have a life without fear and what ifs. I think the key is not to let that prevent me from having healthy friendships.
I think as long as I have the what ifs, but say friendship is worth the risk, I can live an emotionally healthy life. Yes, there will be friendships that I will put everything I have into that turn out to be a disaster, But, eventually, there will be friendships that are enduring. I cannot let past hurt demolish future glory.
One example would be my day Saturday. It was filled with tremendous highs and painful lows. My son Dillon took first prize in a Sonata Competition. (If you ever want to see videos of him playing you can visit www.youtube.com/phileokai) . That was wonderful I loved seeing his hard work pay off. At the same time, there were many people from my former church who were at the competition. It was an awkward experience. One of them was polite and said a stifled hello. The others were either rude, or pretended I wasn’t there. The frustration is compounded because some of them were my closest friends.
Although lets be honest, what could we actually talk about? “So, what’s new at church since I was excommunicated? Any new members? Anyone else ousted lately? Do you want to hear some of the “heretical” doctrine I’ve come to love?” I guess it would be awkward no matter what.
So, I guess what I should tell my darling Rachel is that, Yes, sometimes people you love will do rotten things. But, don’t let that keep you from loving. We’re all human. Most of the time when people make a mistake they regret it and will care enough to make things right. But, even if the ones who hurt you never repent or rectify the wrongs they’ve committed, you can go on to have wonderful friendships with honest people who will love and care.
I hope this wasn’t too rambly. I should never blog on pain medicine.