I’ve had a few rough days….months….years. There have been huge things to deal with. Sometimes several at once, not to mention the myriad of little daily stresses. Some of the problems were my own doing, and some were caused by others outside my control. I’m a little bit of…ok big…control freak. I like things a certain way. I like order. I like life to be tidy. I’ve had none of that the last few years. I can’t even keep my house clean.
I respond by trying to take control. I wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be perfect.” Sometimes I even make it to breakfast without sinning. But, you see the problem. At least if you know me you do. I’m not perfect. I want to be. I try to be, but I fail regularly.
Then, when I didn’t seem capable of fixing myself I decided it was time to fix someone else. In a previous blog I railed about someone who wronged me the other day. Someone who was dishonest. I’ve spent the last few days stewing about it. Then I realized I am holding that person to a standard I can’t meet myself. Perfection.
I was very tempted yesterday to give up. I mean really give up. I shut down for a couple of days and didn’t get anything accomplished. For a person on an extremely tight schedule that just compounds the problem. I’m not in any better of a spirit today, but did think some things through without passion, and read something that gives me hope.
First, I cannot do someone else’s repentance. I shouldn’t even try. It is up to that person to rectify a wrong. If they don’t, God will give me the grace to bear it. Secondly, I had my own repenting to do. Thirdly, I had to come to terms with the fact that even after repenting, I am not going to be able to obtain perfection this side of eternity. I am going to sin regularly. That stinks. I want to be righteous. Here is where the scriptures gave me some hope. In the beatitudes it tells us, “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.”
It didn’t say blessed are the righteous, but those who hunger for it. Those who desire it, but don’t have it. That’s me. One day I will be filled. One day I will FINALLY have the righteousness I desire. I’m sure even then it won’t be my own accomplishment, but will be the work of Christ imputed to me. But, at this point, I’d be happy for anything. I’m hungry.