I had a special time of prayer tonight while doing some things around the house this evening. I say special because I felt the burden so deeply. I could not continue any further with the way things were. I am in the process of making some good changes in some things, but felt overwhelmed at the idea of another year.
I told Heavenly Father I did not feel up to the task of another year. I wasn’t sure what to do. He knows my hurts and burdens better than anyone, so I knew He truly grasped all the pain, weight, and fear I felt at that moment. I didn’t get any “feelings” from the prayer, but knew I spoke to the one person who knows everything and deals justly.
I received some guidance in the form of a fireside message. I turned on the BYU channel while cleaning the kitchen, and Elder Christofferson had a message that felt written just for me. He spoke of the burdens and pain we carry. He spoke to three kinds: 1. Burdens caused by nothing and just part of the world we live in. 2. Burdens caused by others. 3. Burdens we cause ourselves.
He talked about the Lord’s provision for the Israelites in the wilderness. When they needed food, He gave them sufficient for that day with the manna. He never gave them more than just what they needed that day (except in preparation for the Sabbath).
Many times we want God to go ahead and show us all the provision. We don’t want to have to trust and have faith. I know I am like that. I hate having my finances so tight all the time. I work hard, but never seem to have enough to get ahead. We squeak (and I mean really squeak) by. I should be satisfied with that. I should have confidence in the fact that Heavenly Father provides as I need it. He really wants me to learn to trust Him.
That is what He is doing with my burdens as well. I cannot do another year. I just can’t. I don’t have the energy, or the heart for it. But, I can do today. Then, I will trust Him to provide the grace for the next day, when the time comes for it.
I also told Him I am having trouble trusting people. I wondered how it would be possible for me to have any relationships in the future if I find it impossible to trust. He said that is ok too. Right now all I have to do is trust Him. When it comes time to trust in someone again, He’ll help me. For now, I only need to ask Him to give me sufficient for this day.
***Important Side note*** There have been some blessings in my life as well. A dear family has been providing the money for my children’s music lessons. I cannot remember if they wanted their name secret, so to be safe I’ll leave it out. They are not an extremely wealthy family, just a godly couple who are involved in the arts and understand the importance of music education in my children’s lives. They felt the Spirit lead them to help us. I don’t know what we’d do without them. The only thing they get out of the deal is an occasional meal with my family. I pray regularly for God to give them special blessings.
The children’s piano teacher is in Korea right now and Dillon has a big competition coming up this weekend. As a result of his teacher being out of the country, I had to hire someone to help prepare him for the competition, as well as an accompanist to play the orchestra reduction for the concerto. I had no idea where that money was going to come from, especially considering I’d need money for the trip to the competition anyway.
They had written me a check for the entire month’s worth of lessons. I called to let them know there wasn’t a full month of lessons after I received the check. He told me that I could apply that money to the expenses related to the competition and if there was any left over to buy Dillon some music. Isn’t that a wonderful blessing? It gave me some cheer and was like a gentle beam of light breaking through the gloom I’ve felt pressing upon me.