When You Disagree with Leadership

 

From the time Mormons are knee-high to a priesthood holder, they are taught the stories about Nephi and his brothers.  Nephi honored both God and his father. His brothers, Laman and Lemuel, complained and rebelled.  Yet, despite the fact that we’ve been taught these stories over and over again, somehow we seem to be missing the point-- How they got that way.

I hear grumblings in the church a lot lately.  I hear them in the ward. I hear them on Facebook. There are grumblings about women and the priesthood.** There are grumblings about gay marriage.  Sometimes the grumblings are about petty issues.  They usually start with the phrase, “If I were in charge…”

With all due respect, and as someone who would sometimes do things differently herself, we are not in charge.  Our job is to decide if we can sustain our leadership. If so, then get in the trenches and lift them up.  Make their burden lighter. Magnify our callings.  So, how do you decide if you can sustain your leadership on issues you feel differently?  Do what Nephi did. 

Nephi didn’t just say, “He’s our father and we’ll do what he says.” Nor will you have to say “The leadership says this so…”

Look at this verse that explains Nephi’s reaction when he was perplexed.

“Wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord; and behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers.” 1 Nephi 2:16b

Therein lies the difference.  Nephi sought out what the Lord wanted him to do.  He didn’t go into it with his mind made up. He sincerely wanted to know the truth and was willing to honor whatever that was.  I love that about Nephi.

Nephi then went to his brothers and explained to them the things the Spirit had made known to him.  Sam believed. Laman and Lemuel still refused. Why were their hearts so blind to the truth?  I have a couple of ideas.

1. It’s possible they refused to even seek the Lord.  Maybe they didn’t want to know that what their father was saying was correct.  They had in mind the world they wanted to live in and their father’s visions weren’t in line with that.

2. They looked “beyond the mark”. Jacob 4:14 talks about this.

“…they despised the words of plainness, and killed the prophets, and sought for things that they could not understand. Wherefore, because of their blindness, which blindness came by looking beyond the mark, they must needs fall…”

One of the words we translate as sin in the New Testament, literally means “to miss the mark”.  That is very interesting to me in light of the warning in Jacob 4:14.  When we insist on looking beyond the mark, the standards that God has set, we’re not just missing the mark, we’re putting ourselves at risk of spiritual blindness.

If you’re someone who is struggling with leadership, may I suggest spending some sincere time in prayer asking Heavenly Father to help you see what is right and what is wrong.  Do it with an open mind.  I promise, if you do, you will find a peace like you have never experienced before. The peace that Nephi experienced when the Spirit enlarged his mind to understand.

**To my non-Mormon readers, I wanted to make a small note about women and the priesthood.  What is not commonly known is that we don’t have a priesthood vocation.  You don’t become a Mormon priest as a career. Even our bishops, who lead the local congregations, are unpaid and generally only serve for 5 years in addition to their normal vocation that they continue to work in order to support their families.

For Such a Time as This….

     My children and I are currently going through the Book of Esther, using an in-depth inductive method. The Book of Esther is very special to me, because of the role it played in my investigation of Mormonism. It actually had nothing to do with me understanding LDS theology. Instead, it was special because is was a balm to my soul while I was feeling such torment, confusion, and loneliness. I drew strength from that young woman’s courage. I loved Esther’s heart, and her willingness to sacrifice herself for the Lord’s purposes.

     Now I’m getting to go through it again, but without the confusion my life held the last time. We’ll spend a week on the first two chapters. I’d say I’m about midway through that, and already I’m being reminded of why the book held such devotion in my heart those few years ago. Her loving submission to her Heavenly Father brings me comfort, strength, and courage.

     There is a point, later in the book, when Mordecai says to Esther, “…and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:15

     Her people were about to be destroyed, and her Uncle Mordecai, who raised her, was asking her to risk her life and appeal to the king. She related her fear, and the above passage was part of his response.

Here is what my heart is saying now:

     I once had a blessing that said, “You were held in reserve to come forth in the last dispensation…” I imagine many of you have had similar blessings given to you. We have been chosen “for such a time as this”. It is important we are well prepared. How much more prepared we will be if we dig into our Scriptures? Not with a heart that just wants to know more, but with a heart that wants to know HIM and what He wants us to do.

     I had one of the young single adults over for dinner last night. We spent some time talking about our faith and how to keep a testimony. I told her, the one thing that holds me fast, is not the fruit, good or bad, of those around me. I won’t be swayed by the disgusting or beautiful acts of others. Instead, it is the deepness and closeness I feel with my Heavenly Father and my dear, dear Savior, Jesus Christ that draws me and keeps me right where I am.

     Though I was faithful and devoted in my former church, and got to participate in many wonderful ministries, it doesn’t compare to the real relationship I feel with my Father now. I cherish knowing Him, and being in constant communication with Him.

     That being said, we are not here to merely lap in the luxury of the restored gospel. He has called us here at this time for a special purpose. Ask Him what it is. Pour yourself into your Scriptures to know Him better. But, do it with a heart willing to honor anything He asks, even if it is difficult. There are times I have done that beautifully, with grace. There are other times that, like a stubborn child hanging on to a favorite toy, I have said, “No, You can’t have this.” I’m always happier when submissive to the will of my Father, even when what He asks is painful and difficult.

     There is beauty, peacefulness, and confidence in knowing you’re doing exactly His will. As I read Esther 2 this morning, I fell in love with her gentle and quiet spirit all over again. I asked myself, knowing the rest of the book, if I will have the courage to do everything my Heavenly Father is asking of me. I think I can do nothing else, for nothing else will bring me the joy of communion with Him. I love my Heavenly Father, and want to make Him as proud of me as He must have been with Esther.

     Are we all willing to submit to everything His word and will asks, with the grace of Esther? Even if it is uncomfortable, or goes against new societal norms? When we read our Scriptures, do we respond like Nephi “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded…” I want to. He has a grand purpose we may not see until eternity. We were called to this portion of the plan. Let’s do it with the grace of Esther.

Small Blessings

I wonder if I could just put a post that says, “I’m tired and don’t feel well.”? Probably not. Even though I feel I am on the verge of exhaustion, I have had a good week. It started with my home teacher asking if he could give me a blessing. That blessing was second only to my patriarchal blessing in its encouragement. Every doubt and fear I had was addressed in such a way as to bring me nothing but joy. I knew it was from the Spirit because I had not blogged about some of those issues, nor spoken to anyone but Vicki about them.  I also got to unburden myself with someone who has become a good friend. We talk about just about everything, but there was one thing I had never spoken with him about that has been a big burden for me the last year. I didn’t have a right to talk to him about it because it didn’t just involve me. He figured it out on his own this week, and was very sweet and encouraging. It felt good to talk to him about it. Other blessings came from my Scripture readings.

No new information or grand revelations, but sweet constant reminders. One of them was 1 Nephi 16:29 “….And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things.” There are days that I look at all that is on my plate and despair. I cannot get it all done. I live a near impossible schedule. Yet, I am reminded that by remaining diligent and doing all I am able, the Lord can take care of the rest. I am not able to do everything for my children I used to. Being a single mom makes that impossible. I used to get beyond discouraged at that, spending a lot of time in tears. But, I am slowly learning to trust that my Heavenly Father loves my children as much as I do and is using all of this for their good.

Another was in 1 Nephi 17:41. In my Scripture journal I wrote, “When the Lord imposes trials on us, He also provides a way to be healed.” I have seen that in my own life time and time again. Each time that I am brought through a trial, I come out a little bit stronger and wiser. A recent trial that had caused me a lot of personal pain and emotional damage has been the one that has made me the strongest.   When talking to my friend about it, he made an interesting comment saying, “I’m really surprised you are still a member.” I’m not surprised though. I love this gospel. I won’t let someone else take it from me. To be honest, I should say I had considered leaving. I’d wondered if I’d made a horrible mistake. But then I realized that I should not base my testimony on the lives of others. I went back and studied the gospel again, asking myself is it true. I came to the same conclusion I did two years ago. Yes. The gospel is most definitely true. I probably learned more from it than all my trials put together…and that is saying something. The Lord is healing my heart. I will never be the same person again. I’ll be a stronger one.

Well, I really am very tired and not feeling well. Too tired to really write anything lengthy or even coherent. Let me just end by saying I’m grateful for the small blessings I receive in the midst of a challenging life.

A Potpourri of Hope

To be honest, I don’t even know where to start. I have learned so much over the last few days that I feel like I’m trying to contain a waterfall with a child’s sand bucket. I cannot pick one theme that has stood out to me, so I hope you’ll put up with a potpourri of my thoughts.

Pre-earth existence

I’ll start with something that may seem trivial, but I love. It is always fun to me when I see something in Scripture that shows the restored doctrine has always been in the Bible if you have eyes to see it. When you’ve been blind for so long and suddenly get sight, even the most average of objects can seem spectacular. So, for those of you who’ve known these things your whole lives, please bear with my “playing catch up”.

One of the hardest doctrines to understand scripturally is our pre-earth existence. While it feels right and makes sense, the recovering Calvinist in me prefers Scripture. I was reading in John 9 the other day. In verse two, the disciples ask the Savior,

“Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Did you catch that? If he were BORN blind, how could he have possibly sinned? The only possible explanation is he existed before he was born. If that were not possible, the Savior would have pointed that out to HIs followers. Maybe He would have said something like, “How could he have sinned having not yet been born?”  Instead He answered,

“Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

I know it is a silly thing to get excited over, but to me it showed that the disciples understood there was an existence before birth.

Faith

Skipping a few days in my Scripture journal brings us to the topic of faith. I have really been convicted about this topic for some time. Every once in a while I think I see some progress, but then the Lord allows something to creep in that shows me I have so far to go still.

I was reading in 1 Nephi 7.

“….the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in Him………” vs. 12

Then later in verse 17 it says,

“….O Lord, according to my faith which is in Thee, wilt Thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren;….”

To be honest, every time I read my Scriptures the verses on faith just jump out at me. I know that Heaven works according to laws that are irrevocably set. Faith is one of the big ones. There is much our Father in heaven wants to do for us, but much of it depends on our faith.

This makes me nervous sometimes, because I know I fall so short of the mark. Whenever I read passages on faith I have such a deep, deep longing to do better, to be more than I am. When I read the passage in verse 17 that said “according to my faith..”  I wrote in my journal, “What if the Lord only did anything according to my faith? How much would then be accomplished for His kingdom?”

How painful that is for me to consider knowing my failings. I think about the father of Alma the Younger, whose faith brought an angel to call his son to repentance. Wow! What incredible faith. Though I rejoice in his faith, I’m saddened by my lack of it.  When will I get there?

Of course whenever I pray about my lack of faith and ask for the Lord to help me grow in and develop more faith, He reminds me of Alma 32. So, I guess that is the course He has outlined for me. Hopefully as I diligently follow it I will one day have the faith that can help others more readily find His kingdom.

Unrighteousness

This next lesson was not in Scripture, but through life and the Spirit. I’ve been struggling with the behavior of a man who has done several unrighteous deeds. It has caused me anguish, almost destroyed my testimony, and brought harm to my family.

I have spent countless hours in tears and prayer over it. I have confronted the man several times asking him to stop the behavior, only to have ridiculous excuses made. When I pressed him, he would accuse me of lacking charity for not accepting him as he is.

Every confrontation damaged both my soul and emotions further. It kind of came to a head this past Friday. I had lost all hope of trusting  him (or anyone) again, but thought it only fair to try again. That was a mistake and served in no way other than to make my day completely miserable and give me another few hours of tears and heartbreak.

The thought suddenly popped into my head, while praying, that this is exactly what Satan wants. I don’t think I could have hand picked a scenario more perfectly designed to destroy me. I had two choices. I could continue to struggle and try to make sense of his behavior, fruitlessly hoping for righteousness, or I could recognize that Satan was using this person to not only bring me harm, but stunt my growth, and not allow it any further.

It reminds me a little of the story of the tree of life (1 Nephi 8). The analogy doesn’t fit completely, but you’ll get the idea. Here are these people who’ve just had an opportunity to taste the fruit from the Tree of Life, but because scoffers came along they fell away and were lost.

I have tasted of the gospel. I have a testimony. I know what is true. Am I therefore to let go of the iron rod and give up the fruit of the gospel because of someone else’s indifference to righteousness? How stupid would I have to be?  Umm…don’t answer that.

Well, I wish I had more time. There is so much more I’ve learned, but I’ve got to exercise and get some wonderful children to bed. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for His constant patience with me. I hope one day I will be the kind of person that brings Him much glory. Maybe I’ll even develop the faith of Alma, or Enoch, or ….

Oh! to be all that God wants! What could be better?

 

Incremental Revelation

I have learned so much in the last week that I don’t even know where to start. I suppose I’ll start with the temple. Yesterday I went to the Memphis temple to do initiatories and an endowment session. I was especially anxious to spend time in the Celestial room. I had 5 major things I was praying about that I needed direction. I typically sit close to the front so I can get to the celestial room more quickly.  On a side note……I like doing the prayer circle, but as a single woman it is awkward waiting up there all on my lonesome while the leader (or whatever he is called) asks for some poor schmoe to come up there to join me. Brothers, if you see a single sister waiting up there, jump up and join her.  Don’t leave her hanging! End of lecture.

When I got to the celestial room I grabbed some Scriptures and immediately started praying. At some point the burdens overwhelmed me and I started to cry. I laid out the big issues and asked Heavenly Father to lay out for me a plan. He said, “No.”  I said, “What?” He said, “I want to guide you little by little and you want the whole picture.” I said, “Ok.”, but a few minutes later decided to ask again in the hopes that I had misunderstood. Nope. Got the same answer. 

I’ll be honest. I found that disappointing. I wanted some answers! I needed direction. My heart was in a great deal of pain. AND I am confused about some things with regard to the gospel, the Spirit, and discernment. Not to mention the fact that I have so much on the plate, it would save some burden to get a great deal of direction at once. But, I trusted that Heavenly Father had a great reason. That submission was a good idea. It didn’t take long for me to start getting some answers.

The first answer I received was why he wanted to guide me little by little.  I’ve been reading a useful book by Gerald Lund entitled Hearing the Voice of the Lord. He wrote about incremental revelation, using the example of Nephi and the brass plates. Nephi was told to get the plates, but he wasn’t told how. He was kind of left to flounder on his own and figure it out. He made several attempts before having success. In his third attempt he said, “I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless, I went forth.” (I Nephi 4:6-7)

That is how I was feeling. God wants me to do these things, but doesn’t tell me how. Nephi was driven by faith, not knowledge. He had faith in Heavenly Father, therefore he would continue to try and figure out how to do what he was commanded to do. He had the same experience building the ship for their trip to the Americas. I Nephi 18:1 said he was given directions on how to build the ship, “from time to time”. I thought about that for a moment and it occurred to me that if the Lord had given him all the direction at once, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

Let’s look at the example of getting the plates from Laban. The Lord knew that Nephi was going to have to kill Laban to get those plates. But, if he told that to Nephi, Nephi might have spent his entire life wondering in false guilt whether or not there was anything else he could have done to get those plates back and spare Laban’s life. Therefore, the Lord let him attempt diplomacy first and learn for himself there was only one solution. How merciful of God!

Using the example of the ship, it is easy to see the need for incremental revelation. If Heavenly Father told me to build a car and gave me all the directions at once, I can guarantee at the end of my building, we would NOT have a car. Sometimes in His wisdom, He gives the direction we need, as we need it. I’m now not as disappointed with the idea.

The next thing I learned, was also confirmed to me more solidly in my reading. I was struggling with a wrong committed by someone. I couldn’t understand why the Lord was seemingly ignoring it. However, the Lord whispered to my heart that maybe He isn’t ignoring it, but giving others another learning opportunity.

I wondered about that, but wasn’t sure if I understood the Spirit correctly. Then I read something that confirmed it to me. While writing about Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, Gerald Lund made the following observation: 

“But here is another lesson to learn from that experience. While Joseph was in jail all that time, the challenge of leading and exodus of thousands of Saints to safety in the dead of winter fell to the two senior Apostles, Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball. These were the very two men on whom would fall the task just eight years later of leading the Saints across more than a thousand miles of wilderness to the Valley of the Great Salt Lake. How’s that for “in service training”?

Often while we are undergoing our own learning experience, the Lord may be accomplishing His purposes with other people and in other settings. This is why it is foolish to think that we can fathom with our finite perspective the infinite and eternal purposes of God.”

Well, there is tons more that I learned this week that will have to wait.  There are little people who want me to come to their “club” meeting. Apparently it is time for my membership interview. I am one lucky mom.