Learning to Count It All Joy

via GIPHY

I'm good at patiently enduring. I've been given many opportunities to practice. But, I realized this week there's something I haven't yet learned. Fortunately, Heavenly Father is patient with me. I had a very difficult few days. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

Day One

The company I work for lost a client, which provided a good amount of work for me. That means less hours and less income.

Day Two

My lovely daughter was in a wreck, with our only vehicle. She was hit by a woman driving without a license, who doesn't speak English, and refuses to take responsibility.

Day Three

Found out our only vehicle was totaled. Unfortunately, it wasn't worth much which means not getting much money from the insurance company to get a new vehicle. I was quite worried. Especially because they only gave me a few days with a rental because the car was totaled. That meant I had to find a vehicle fast... with hardly any money.

Day Four

I received my rejection from Pitch Wars. If you're not a writer, that won't really mean anything to you, but to me, it was heart breaking.

Day Five

Received horrible results from an important medical test. I go back to the hospital Wednesday to find out how bad it actually is. 

By this time, I'd lost it. I broke down into tears. I opened my scriptures, desperately praying for guidance. My scriptures open to James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience." 

So, here's the thing. I realized right at that moment that while I knew who to patiently endure, without complaining. I didn't know how to count it all joy. That's what I'm trying to learn now. Those of you who are more advanced than I am spiritually, feel free to give me some pointers. 

For Those That Are Discouraged

Sometimes you can do everything right and things can still go wrong.  When that happens, it is easy to get discouraged. I was feeling that way last week. I was undergoing difficult medical treatments.  Then, what was supposed to be three days of isolation (because of some radioactive treatments), turned into a week. Then they added painful injections. Then, in the midst of my isolation I received a letter from someone that brought up horrible memories. Then, I got super sick. Then a tree fell on my house. Seriously—a tree. My landlord has pictures. Can you believe that week?

You can see where I might get discouraged. That is until I came across a passage in the book of Ether.

The Jaredites were about to go on a trip—a long trip.  They had made all the preparations. (see Ether 6:4) They did everything right. They even “commended themselves unto the Lord.” Then the storm came.

“And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.” Ether 6:6

They knew the Lord brought the storm, but it doesn’t make weathering it any easier.  Storms are frightening. Storms can be painful. But, here is the helpful part. Storms have purpose.

“And it came to pass that the  wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.” Ether 6:8

When I read those words, the Spirit brought me instantaneous comfort. I was reminded that the Lord has purpose and direction for the things He’s bringing into my path.  Each storm He brings my way is designed to bring me closer to the goal.

You may be wondering what’s the goal? For me, it is conformity to Christ. I want to be like my Savior.

“And we know that all thing work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIs purpose. For whom He did foreknow, He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son…” Romans 8:28-29

That is the beauty of commending yourself into the hand of the Lord. Peace. At that moment, in the midst of the turmoil swirling around me, the Lord reminded me I was not forgotten. He had my back. I felt like I could do anything.

I’m grateful for a Savior who is patient with me when I grow frightened and weary. But, more than that, I’m grateful for a God who is bigger than storms.

Trials versus Temptations

I have been so swamped lately. Between moving to a new home and dealing with Lyme treatments I fell quite behind both at work and at home. I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though there is still much to be done.  I have learned a lot over the last few months and kept hoping I’d have time to write some of my ideas down. Here’s my first chance.

I’ve pondered for some time the difference between the two uses of temptations in James chapter one. In the first section temptations are to be rejoiced in.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations. Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” James 1:2-4

The second section is not so fortunate.

“Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth He any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.” James 1:13-15

Many scholars would interpret the first one trials and the second one temptations, though they are from the same Greek root word. Why such disparity in the two uses of the same word then?  One type brings perfection; the other brings death. The difference lies in their part of speech. The first word translated temptation is a noun. The next one is a verb.

In the first use, temptations is the noun peirasmos. Essentially, this is saying this tempation/trial/affliction is here. You didn’t necessarily do anything to get it here, but it is here none the less.  The second use of the word temptations is the verb peirazo. We cause this affliction. Our lust is living, moving, breathing. We walk right into this affliction.

Trials

Let’s look at both of them a little more closely and see how we can come out in a way that pleases our Father. The first section covers verses 2-12. James begins by telling us to rejoice in our trials. Why would we do that? Because the trying of our faith helps us toward our perfection. The word the King James translates as patience literally means to abide under. In other words, we are now able to bear up courageously.

Think of it like a quest in the ancient King Arthur’s court. The knight has to be tested. Can he uphold the standards of Camelot and be considered worthy to serve in court? He has to go through many trials to see what he can handle.  The same is happening to us during our trials.  When James talks about the “trying of your faith” he literally means the proof of it; a crucible, or test. We show our faith and what it is worth by what we are able to bear up under.

Throughout the section he gives advice on needing wisdom and dealing with the trial of riches (or lack thereof). In the end, if we pass the test, we are rewarded with the crown of life (vs. 12). I love the description of the recipients. It says the Lord gives it to those who love Him. What we are demonstrating when we courageously bear up under trials is that we love our Savior. Not only do we love Him, but we trust Him enough to go through anything He sees fit to bring into our lives.  That is something to rejoice in.

Next the mood turns darker….

Temptations

The next section begins in verse 13. James wants us to know from the beginning that this type of temptation does not come from God. Here we are entrapped by the own lusts we’ve allowed to live in our hearts. What do we desire? Now certain desires in and of themselves are not wrong. It is what you do with them that becomes the sin. A fleeting attraction doesn’t matter unless you feed it by dwelling on it. That is what stirs it up to a covetous nature. Then that lust is conceived when action follows. The conception gives birth to sin. Once sin is allowed to grow and mature, it becomes death.

The word translated conceive literally means to take with. It is often used in the sense of taking a prisoner. That is exactly what sin does to us. It takes us prisoner and cheats us out of the life we were intended to live.

Honestly, wouldn’t you rather deal with the trials than the temptations? Now I realize we all have weaknesses. In fact, God intended it that way. However, we’re not bound by our natural desires. Those become temptations when we do something to make it that way, or don’t do something to kill it. Yet, even then there is hope. It doesn’t have to become a pattern.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Ether 12:27

When Heaven Seems Silent…

I know it has been a while since I have posted. The children and I went a little over a month passing back and forth illnesses. It seemed like I could stay well for about two days before I fell victim to another ailment. I finally realized I was doing it to myself by trying to keep my normal schedule the moment I recovered, which would just send me back to square one.  After realizing I have to rest to recover, I am better. My house is a wreck, but I am healthy.

I have a topic today that I think all of us have faced at one point in our lives, seeming silence from heaven. Thankfully, I do not currently have this occurring in my life right now, but it has in the past and I’m sure will again. The most difficult time for me when this occurred was when I was investigating Mormonism. All the missionaries (and believe me, I went through quite a few of them) would tell me if I would just pray with a sincere heart, the Spirit would show me the truth of all things. Never was there a more sincere prayer on the earth. I begged. I pleaded. I wanted to know the truth. Yet, silence, was the only answer I received. He wasn’t even telling me it wasn’t true.

I was sure He wasn’t answering because their must be something wrong with me. I put a spotlight on my soul to search out anything that could be of offense to Him. I confessed every thing I could think of. I asked Him to show me the sins I hadn’t thought of. Yet, still silence. In this case, the silence was my fault. You see, Heavenly Father knew I wasn’t ready for the answer. I wanted the answer, but wasn’t ready for it. I went to a church that taught that God would allow people to be deceived in order to be vessels of wrath. My biggest fear was that I would become one of those. Deceived into believing Mormonism, in order to be an object lesson of wrath. There was so much fear in my heart, there was  no room for faith to penetrate.

Before God could answer the question I wanted the answer for, He had to show me who He really was. I had to learn that God really cared about me. I had to learn that He wasn’t the kind of parent who would lie to one of His children in order to fulfill some bigger universal, predetermined plan. I had to have faith in His character. That must have taken three years, because that is how long I prayed about the Book of Mormon and the LDS faith before I received a clear answer.

Does this mean God was silent that whole time until I learned that all important lesson? Not at all. He was there working in the background, arranging things to happen just as they needed to, in order for me to learn.

He does that for all of us. I want you to know, and really believe, that God is working in your heart and life at all times. Sometimes He is directly interacting with you through His Spirit, giving you direct communication and revelation. Other times He is working from the shadows. The book of Esther is a great example of this. Did you know that it is the only book in the entire Bible where God is not mentioned one time? It’s true. However, throughout the whole book He is there working in the shadows. Not only arranging the affairs of men, but making sure justice is dealt out as needed.  Sometimes with a  great sense of Irony, like when the wicked Haman is hung on the very gallows he had built to destroy Mordecai. The more I study this book, the more I fall in love with my Father in Heaven all over again.  The next time you read the book of Esther, note how much had to be divinely arranged to save the Israelites.

Though, we may know intellectually He is there and hasn’t forgotten us, there will be times in our lives that He seems silent. Today, I want to write four things that are helpful to me when that occurs.

1. Remember and re-count the history of God in the affairs of man.

Do you ever wonder why so many stories are repeated over and over in the Scriptures? It is for our benefit. To help us have something to bring to mind when we need it. Don’t just go over the affairs of God in the lives of the people in Scripture. Review His affairs in your life. I hope you write down important events that God has done for you, so you have something to look back on when your faith needs a push. If not, start today. Stop reading my puny blog and write down everything you can think of that God has ever done for you.

God is involved in your life, and He has promised to stay that way. One of my favorite Scriptures is Philippians 1:6

“Being confident of this very thing, that He which hat begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”

He is there and He is working.

2. Never forget who you are.

You are a son or daughter of the God of the universe. You are Heavenly Father’s spirit child brought forth before the foundation of the world. One day, you will return to be with Him.

“Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when He shall appear, we shall be like Him; for we shall see Him as He is.” I John 3:2

3. Know that God is righteous in ALL His ways.

This is sometimes hard. The world is full of unrighteousness. Sometimes wicked things happen to righteous people. Does that mean God no longer loves us, or we are somehow not one of the children He pays much attention to? Absolutely not. Look at Matthew 7:11.

“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?”

We love our children more than our own lives. Yet our love is evil when compared with His great love. Think on how much more goodness that means He wants for us.

I used to think I must not be one of God’s important children because my life has not been an easy one. I wasn’t protected as a child the way some children are. As an adult I have faced equally heart breaking events. Was there something wrong with me? Did I disappoint my Father in the pre-earth existence? Not at all.

Everything Heavenly Father allows into our lives is filtered through His fingers of love. He doesn’t allow anything to come our way that He won’t give us the grace to endure. Why does He allow the hardships though?  Have you ever seen a toddler fall and struggle to get back up? What would happen if that child never fell? He would never develop all the necessary muscles to function in life. Difficulties make us strong. They make us more useful.

Doctrine & Covenants 122 goes over this quite well. Heavenly Father listed out all the tribulations Joseph Smith was to endure and why. I’ve already written a post on this, so I won’t bore you by repeating it. If you haven’t read it, you can read it here.

Another great passage that discusses this is Romans 8:28-29

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.”

Every thing God allows into our lives is there for a purpose. It is designed to make us more like His Son Jesus Christ. It is preparing us for eternity.

4. Finally, remember that our faith is tested in the silence of God.

There is a verse in Psalms that I spent quite some time praying about its meaning. Yet, when the Spirit showed it to me, it was so obvious I wondered why I even needed to pray about it to begin with.

“The Lord is in his holy temple, the Lord’s throne is in heaven: His eyes behold, His eyelids try, the children of men.” Psalm 11:4

I wanted to know what it meant that His eyelids try the children of men. I realized it meant that sometimes when it seems like God has his eyes shut to our dilemma, He is giving us an opportunity to grow our faith. We are tried by His closed eyes.  How can that grow our faith? It helps us rest in Him. To trust His character and His love. It' helps to show us if we follow the passage that says, “Be still and know that I am God.”  There is another passage in Doctrine & Covenants  that says, “Doubt not. Fear not.”  The seeming silence of Heaven shows if our heart is really ready to honor Him completely. Habakkuk puts it beautifully.

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.” 3:17-19

Remember, that when the Heavens seem silent, they really only seem that way. Our Father is still on His throne. He, the Savior, and the Spirit are working as one in our lives. They are there. Trust in them.

Studying the Book of James

by Annmarie Worthington

Currently in my scripture time I am studying the books of James and Numbers. I’m further along in my study of James. I thought I’d pass along some ideas I’ve had in my study. I’ve read through the book a few times now and it has a pattern to it.  First, James will introduce a topic by giving a command or instruction of sorts. Then he’ll give more information on the topic by either further explanation or an illustration. I think this is a good way to approach the book of James, looking at it as great information on certain topics.

Here is the first one to give you an idea of what I mean. Then you can do the others on your own, whenever you are studying this great book.

Trials*: James 1:1-12

* I say trials instead of temptations in this section because the actual translation is various afflictions. Later on in the chapter he is talking about actual temptations. I ‘ll use that word there.

• Count it all joy (vs. 2)

-the trying of our faith produces patience (literally: endurance/ steadfastness)

• Let patience have her perfect work (vs. 4)

-that we may be perfect, lacking nothing.

• Ask God for wisdom (vs. 5)

-because He gives to all men liberally and upbraideth not.

• Ask in faith, nothing waivering (vs. 6)

-doubters are live waves tossed by the wind.

-doubters don’t receive anything from the Lord.

-doubters are doubleminded and unstable.

• Let the brother of low degree rejoice (vs. 9)

-because he is exalted (see Matthew 23:12)

-the rich is made low because as the flower and grass wither, so shall their ways.

Some of my thoughts on trials:

*It appears that when we know that God is allowing the trial in order to perfect us, getting us to where we lack nothing, then the trial is a blessing and really is a cause for rejoicing.  I think I will list out some recent trials and how I was able to grow and learn as a result.

*I like the fact that God gives wisdom liberally and does not get on to His children for asking for it.  It gives me confidence in prayer.

*The picture of doubters is one that troubles me. I think it will give me more confidence in faith. I can see how it can be tempting to be driven by the waves of current circumstances to allow us to doubt. But, I would rather be more stable, riding above the waves like a world class surfer, who never wipes out.

Well, this gives you a glimpse of my scripture journal. I’m sure your thoughts on each topic will be different from mine, because everyone’s circumstances are so different.

Whenever your scripture study brings you to the book of James, you can list out the rest of the topics and share with me what you’ve learned.

 

Why Do I Serve God?

Have you ever felt despair? I’m not talking about depression or sadness, but real despair. The kind that makes you seriously consider if life is worth continuing.  I can only think of three times in my life I have felt real despair. Once was as a very young teenager. I went to an authority figure pleading for help and protection from physical danger, but no help came. The other two times were as an adult. As a  young person I kept going because I was an optimist. I used to be the kind of person who was genuinely surprised that publishers clearinghouse didn’t show up to award me a million dollars, even though I hadn’t even entered. So, plugging along with the hope that things would change was natural to me. I was sure given a few years my life circumstances would change and things would get easier. After all, I could move away for college. As an adult all I had to do was think of my children. That is reason enough to keep going.  However, none of those reasons stop the feelings of despair. Though someone can have a reason to keep going, they need an even better reason to keep going with quality.  Do you just survive or do you live? How do you keep going when  you can’t muster up hope?

There was once an Old Testament Prophet, who was feeling some despair himself. Well…there were several of them actually…but I’m only going to talk about one: Habakkuk. 

Habakkuk lived in Israel during a time of great unrighteousness. Everywhere he turned he saw corruption and immorality. As a matter of fact, the first line of  his book is, “The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see.” Often that is what despair feels like, a huge burden that weighs you down and aches even down to your joints and sinews.  Listen to some of the pain in his voice,

“O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear!

even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save!

Why does thou shew me iniquity and cause me to behold grievance?

……the wicked doth compass about the righteous.”

Have you ever felt that way? I have, and currently still do. Joseph Smith did too. In liberty jail he cried out, “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place?” It is very hard to feel alone. It is worse to wonder if even God, the one being who can be trusted, has abandoned you too. That would say horrible things about your worth if even the almighty, all loving God no longer cared about you.

The Lord heard Habakkuk’s plea and answered him. But, as God so often does He answered in a way Habakkuk never would have imagined in even his worst nightmare.

God replied, “I will work a work in your days,

which ye will not believe, though it be told you.

For, lo, I raise up the Chaldeans, that bitter and hasty nation,

which shall march through the breadth of the land,

to possess the dwelling places that are not theirs.”

Heavenly Father told Habakkuk He is not as unaware and uninvolved as He was being accused. Already He had the Chaldeans ready to swoop in for judgment. Now think about that. The Chaldeans (we know them as the Babylonians) were a horrible nation. Their king, Neduchadnezzar, had no regard for human life. Even God described them as “terrible and dreadful” (vs. 7). I’ve taught the book of Daniel a few times and the background information I’ve learned about the despicable Nebuchadnezzar is enough to make you sick. You can imagine how Habakkuk felt about that news. Really, Heavenly Father, Nebuchadnezzar? That is who you’ve chosen for the judgment of the unrighteous? He’s worse than the whole lot in Israel. That hardly seems fair. God, you must realize that he will not distinguish between the righteous and unrighteous. The entire nation will be destroyed.

He expressed his concern to God, and I’ll be honest with you I love the way Habakkuk thinks.

“Art Thou not from everlasting, O Lord my God, mine Holy One? we shall not die.

O Lord, thou hast ordained them for judgment; and , O Mighty god,

Thou hast established them for correction.

Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity;

wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and beholdest

Thy tongue when the wicked devoureth the man that is more righteous than he?

…..I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower,

and will watch to see what He will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.”

To sum it up, he said, how can you, a Holy, pure God use horribly wicked people, to judge less wicked people? It seems evil to turn your people over to the Babylonians, even though they’ve sinned. Yet, Habakkuk knew that a holy god must have a holy reason. That is why his last sentence said, I will sit back and listen to how you reprove me.

God gently admonishes Habakkuk throughout chapter 2, telling him to have patience. He reminds Habakkuk that the just shall live by faith. Habakkuk must trust God. He must believe that God is righteous and doeth everything in righteousness. God also told him of the dreadfulness of sin.  The final chapter of Habakkuk is his prayer. He asked God that in His wrath would He also remember mercy. Then He rehearses the acts and character of God, and comes to a conclusion as to how he, Habakkuk, will live the rest of his life.  His conclusion, which I’ll explain in a moment, is the best answer for all of us, who like the prophets of old, occasionally must live in the midst of despair.

Many of you have read my conversion story. You remember it cost me greatly to become a Mormon. What you don’t know is that  my second year as a Mormon caused me almost equally great pain and turmoil. Not because of Mormonism, but because of the unrighteous actions of someone I trusted & loved greatly. It has been a difficult year. Then last week some new trials popped into my life. One was fiscal. I’m losing $500.00 per month in income and realized that someone else I thought was trustworthy, had in all likelihood been using me taking advantage of me for the last few months. Now I would need to find another job in order to properly care for my family. For someone who already works four part time jobs that idea is distressing.

I had just gotten home from work the evening I learned this. I’d been home about 5 minutes when a process server showed up at my door. My ex-husband is suing me. It will cost me more to defend myself than it would if I just gave him everything he wanted, but if I don’t stand up to him, he’ll just keep pulling this kind of garbage. (OK, vent over). I broke down completely after reading the papers I was served. Sounds dumb, I know. After all I’ve been through the last 5 years you’d think I could take something like this in stride, but I couldn’t. It was like the final straw on a very weary and weak back.

Pouring out my heart to God I asked what more He wanted of me. Why did it seem like the more I strove to honor and obey Him, the harder life became? Was it worth it to keep doing my best to honor a God who didn’t seem to care one whit about my and my children’s lives. Every day is a struggle and the more I strive to become righteous, the harder life gets. Sometimes it seemed that the more righteous I tried to behave, the more the wicked got away with things and I was seemingly punished. I didn’t think I could keep going. I’d live of course, for the sake of my children, but wasn’t sure how I would strive any longer.

At that very moment a gentle voice whispered into my ear. Why do you serve God, Annmarie? Are you doing it for rewards? Are you doing it for glory? Are you doing it for ease? If so, that isn’t really working out for you, is it?

I thought about that for most of that night. I couldn’t sleep because of all the stress I felt anyway. Throughout the evening the story of Habakkuk came to my mind. I haven’t read that book in a few years, but the story was as fresh and alive as if I’d read it that morning. I came to some conclusions. I serve God because I love Him. I serve Him because I wouldn’t feel right or natural doing anything else. I’m His child and have been since before the world was created. I will not be okay doing anything other than filling the measure of my creation.  I do not serve Him for rewards or glory.  God was right. The just live by faith. I had to make a decision-again- to live that way as well.

Do I believe God is righteous? Do I believe God will do things with my best interest at heart? Can I trust Him? Does He deserve my love? The answer to all these questions is yes. Therefore I can do nothing other than come to the same conclusion as Habakkuk.

“Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines;

the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat;

the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

The Lord is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet,

and He will make me to walk upon mine high places.”

I serve God because it is the right thing to do. I will, even in my despair, look to Him to give me strength. He will make my feet steady. He will give me the endurance. I will trust Him to be an anchor to my soul, that I can fulfill with my life, as it says in Ether 12:4.

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety of hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

For that is the reason I serve Him. I hope to glorify God. With prayer and grace, I can do that while living in poverty or wealth, while being loved or used and mistreated. The circumstances of my life do not make my goal any harder or easier, therefore I will strive not to lose site. I serve God because I love Him. I want to bring Him glory.

If that is true, than I shouldn’t waver just because life is a struggle. I should dip my head out of the feelings of despair that overwhelm and seek to drown me. I will look to my Heavenly Father in reverence, trust, and faith.

Holiness and Happiness

I’ve said this many times, but I am re-learning God. It’s like moving to a different country with vastly different cultural norms and understandings. How God views me is one of those areas that I am re-learning. There was a saying at the church of my former faith, “God cares more about your holiness than your happiness.” That does not mean they believe God to be an evil dictator, on the contrary they see the fact that we are sinners and the unmerited blessing of God choosing ANY of us for salvation as evidence of His great mercy. I agree that He is a merciful God, but I always had a hard time thinking that He cared about my happiness as a result of some of the teachings. Any failure left me feeling as if I deserved the worst of punishment, after all my holiness is more important than my happiness. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I would still have occasions of failure.

One of the things I found confusing as a new member was the fact that God could be interested in my life outside of obedience to Him. After all the Scriptures speak often of God being the one who deserves all the glory. Why should I have a right to think I deserved anything. Then I was taught a scripture that began a journey for me I am still continuing. Now when I tell you this Scripture, you’ll think me a simpleton. Most of you dear Latter-Day Saints have known this Scripture since childhood and its teaching is as natural to you as breathing. But to me….it was the most foreign concept I had ever come across. Moses 1:39 “For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” I remember thinking could that really be God’s glory? No. We’re supposed to glorify Him. Heaven is all about Him. I had a theocentric view of eternity. It astounded me the thought that my immortality could be God’s glory.  Why would God care about me? My occupation should be glorifying Him, not His glory about helping me.

Yet, as I thought about it more…and yes it took a while….it began to make sense. I’m a mother. I LOVE being a mother. My children mean more to me than life itself. How do I spend my days? I spend all my moments  raising and providing for them. All my energy goes to helping them learn and grow and become the future leaders of our world. My work and glory is often bringing to pass their future. Why wouldn’t God’s be bringing to pass ours? After all, He is my Parent. That opened up an entirely new world to me and it made trusting Him so much easier. Let me try to explain it another way. We once had a dear woman, Sharon Jones, speak in Relief Society who said that in her pre-existence she must have asked Heavenly Father to take very good care of her on the earth because she had an earthly father who was one of the godliest men she knew, and a husband who rivaled him in godliness and treats her like a princess. She spoke about how well loved and cared for she has been her entire life. I never got to meet her father, but everything I’ve heard about him confirms her words. Her husband is my home teacher and I can testify of his godly character and compassion. He is very kind to my family. I’ve also seen the way he treats her, and yes she gets to be a princess. I love watching them.

At the time, her comment made me feel like a complete schlep. My first thought was…Why didn’t I think of that? Was I like the pre-existent idiot who never thought to ask to be cared for? Maybe I was like the stubborn child who, even though the task is way above their abilities, keeps yelling “I can do it myself”. After that though I began to wonder if their might have been something wrong with me. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be cared for the way she did. Could it be that I had done something wrong in the pre-existence? I asked someone, who then often served as my counselor, about that. He said that if he were to speculate it would more likely be that I told Heavenly Father I wanted the advanced course on this earth. That does sound a little like me. If I were given a choice between two chemistry classes with descriptions as follows: Chem A: Here you will learn chemistry or Chem B: Here you will REALLY learn chemistry. It’s four times the amount of work, but at the end of the course you’ll be an expert. I would be the enthusiastic puppy to sign up for the Chem B class. Yes…I’m that stupid.

However, while there could be some truth in all of those explanations, I think it is probably closer to Moses 1:39. God is about bringing to pass our immortality and eternal life. He knows us. He knows what will best instruct us. Therefore He intentionally brings things into our lives that will help us learn the best. He gives each of us special struggles and weaknesses that teach us to depend on Him AND be independent simultaneously. Now I can know that each thing sifted through His hand is truly for my good. Maybe I wouldn’t learn as well if my life were like Sharon’s (though between you and me I’m willing to give it a whirl). Heavenly Father knows Sharon too. He knows how she learns best. Those are the things that will bring about her immortality and eternal life.

I now have a better understanding that God can and does love me, but not only that, He is interested in more than my submission. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to have a good future. Sometimes, when I saw my weaknesses and failures, I worried that maybe He loves me because He is my Father, but that I’m a real disappointment to Him. Though, when I was really worried about that a few weeks ago, He was merciful enough to give me words of encouragement through a blessing. While my home teacher, President Jones, was uttering the words that said my Heavenly Father wanted me to know that He was very proud of me, he could not have known the impact and gratefulness I felt for them. A flood of relief came throughout my soul. You see, even though I don’t always know and understand God correctly yet, I still love Him with all my heart. I want to please Him.

But the constant worrying about each and every failure made it hard for me to see that God could be the least bit interested in my happiness when I lacked so much holiness. Each time things were difficult in my life (and they often are), I was sure it was because I deserved it. How could God bless a person who has as many unkind thoughts as I do? Or who sometimes gets jealous of other women who are loved and cared for? Now I realize the difficulties aren’t because I lack holiness, they’re to help me develop it. It has completely changed the way I forge through trials. Though the end result of both mindsets was to be more holy, I realize now that the trial is the source of holiness, not the cattle prod to keep me straight. I can look at the trial and think eternally. What in this trial can I learn that will make me more like my Savior? What is in this that is designed to bring me closer to immortality and eternal life.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense. I feel like this is one big ramble where I ‘m trying to order my new thoughts correctly, but cannot. I guess I’m trying to say Heavenly Father is interested in both our holiness AND our happiness. He is busying Himself and bringing Himself glory by bringing us to eternity. If we remember that, we can look at every trial as another stair step to the celestial kingdom brought to us directly by our Father who truly loves us and knows best how we learn.

Small Blessings

I wonder if I could just put a post that says, “I’m tired and don’t feel well.”? Probably not. Even though I feel I am on the verge of exhaustion, I have had a good week. It started with my home teacher asking if he could give me a blessing. That blessing was second only to my patriarchal blessing in its encouragement. Every doubt and fear I had was addressed in such a way as to bring me nothing but joy. I knew it was from the Spirit because I had not blogged about some of those issues, nor spoken to anyone but Vicki about them.  I also got to unburden myself with someone who has become a good friend. We talk about just about everything, but there was one thing I had never spoken with him about that has been a big burden for me the last year. I didn’t have a right to talk to him about it because it didn’t just involve me. He figured it out on his own this week, and was very sweet and encouraging. It felt good to talk to him about it. Other blessings came from my Scripture readings.

No new information or grand revelations, but sweet constant reminders. One of them was 1 Nephi 16:29 “….And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things.” There are days that I look at all that is on my plate and despair. I cannot get it all done. I live a near impossible schedule. Yet, I am reminded that by remaining diligent and doing all I am able, the Lord can take care of the rest. I am not able to do everything for my children I used to. Being a single mom makes that impossible. I used to get beyond discouraged at that, spending a lot of time in tears. But, I am slowly learning to trust that my Heavenly Father loves my children as much as I do and is using all of this for their good.

Another was in 1 Nephi 17:41. In my Scripture journal I wrote, “When the Lord imposes trials on us, He also provides a way to be healed.” I have seen that in my own life time and time again. Each time that I am brought through a trial, I come out a little bit stronger and wiser. A recent trial that had caused me a lot of personal pain and emotional damage has been the one that has made me the strongest.   When talking to my friend about it, he made an interesting comment saying, “I’m really surprised you are still a member.” I’m not surprised though. I love this gospel. I won’t let someone else take it from me. To be honest, I should say I had considered leaving. I’d wondered if I’d made a horrible mistake. But then I realized that I should not base my testimony on the lives of others. I went back and studied the gospel again, asking myself is it true. I came to the same conclusion I did two years ago. Yes. The gospel is most definitely true. I probably learned more from it than all my trials put together…and that is saying something. The Lord is healing my heart. I will never be the same person again. I’ll be a stronger one.

Well, I really am very tired and not feeling well. Too tired to really write anything lengthy or even coherent. Let me just end by saying I’m grateful for the small blessings I receive in the midst of a challenging life.

Wasting Trials

I’ve heard it said that each thing God allows into our lives is filtered through His hands. I have at times gotten discouraged and angry about that sentiment, wondering how God can love me and not filter better. Maybe that is normal, especially when dreadful things happen. Times when it might be tempting to say, “How can you love me and allow that?” I used to wonder that, beginning in childhood. My assumption was that He didn’t love me. I always worried that I was somehow not good enough for Him to love me. Maybe I was a disappointment to Him. That was a frightening thought to me because I didn’t know how to be any better than I was. I still don’t. I’m me, and that is all I can be.

As an adult I am learning that He does love me, even while inflicting trials. I still feel insecurities at times, but the Lord always blesses me with some assurances to give me hope.  I used to worry that God was disappointed in how long it took me to convert. Three years of constant investigation does seem to be excessive. Why doesn’t faith come more easily to me?  During my patriarchal blessing that fear of being a disappointment was in the back of my mind. There was a handful of people there who came to hear my blessing. I was a little afraid they were all going to hear what I disappointment I was. The patriarch answered my fear with wonderful assurances about God’s feelings towards me during my investigation.  It took such a weight off my shoulders.  I was so grateful the Spirit told him my secret fears. He did that several times throughout my blessing- telling the patriarch my thoughts. It was a precious and sacred experience. I wish I could say that took away all my insecurities, but it didn’t.

I was feeling wobbly about my worth this week also, combined with feeling very alone. Isn’t it funny how we only see where we come up short?  I was sure there was nothing about me currently that could make me worthy of His love, no matter how desperately I wanted it, or how much I wanted to please Him. However when I pulled out my Scriptures I was greeted with these glorious, comforting words:

“For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God.” John 16:27

I wrote in my Scripture journal, “God love me!”  He loves me because I love and believe on His Son! That is very exciting and takes a lot of pressure off of me. He didn’t stop there though. Remember, at the time of my Scripture reading I was feeling frightened about God’s love for me, but I was also feeling alone. In that same chapter he addressed both issues.

“Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone:  and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.” John 16:32

What a blessed reminder that we are never truly alone. It was a tender mercy of God to remind me of that. Every once in a while I become a petulant child and think I’ve given enough and it is time for me to get some blessings instead of constant trials. There are occasions when I have had evil thoughts. I’m ashamed to admit that I have occasionally asked the Father if He did not think I have given enough yet. Isn’t a marriage, all my close (and not close) friendships, my dreams about child rearing, and my financial support enough of a sacrifice? Is it really necessary to keep suffering? Isn’t it time for some blessings? What an ungrateful child I am. I’m both blessed and thankful He always gives me time to fix my perspective, when He has every right to just strike me with a lightening bolt.

When I’m behaving as a rational human being I realize the trials are a blessing in themselves. Each difficulty helps me learn and grow in ways that would have been challenging to without them.  President Kimball was once quoted as saying, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.” What an important thing to remember. Of course, without any disrespect to President Kimball, it might be better said, “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience need be wasted.” It all depends on how we handle the trial. A person can get beaten and respond by leaning on the loving arms of their Heavenly Father, feeling His comfort and presence, using the physical pain to relate to the Savior’s sacrifice on the cross, or they can respond by shaking their fist at heaven and blaming the evil on God. One wastes the trial. The other uses it to grow.

I can say with certainty that each trial I have endured and responded to correctly has taught me something wonderful about God and has brought me closer to a beautiful, eternal, and correct relationship with Him. I would not trade those experiences for anything. Brother Webster, a survivor of the Martin Handcart Company put it best.  “The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay….” Not everyone who made that journey felt the same way. Some turned around. Others became embittered against the gospel. Without repentance, those were wasted trials.

Have you ever noticed in Alma 62:41 the two opposing responses of the Nephites? “Because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and the Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war: and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.” Both groups faced the exact same afflictions, and yet they had totally different responses.

What was the key to their successful navigation through their afflictions? Humility. They humbled themselves under the mighty hand of their God. That requires trust. It requires knowing our God is allowing it, knowing He is going through it with us, and knowing He is doing it for our good. Humility uses the trial to get to know God better. To love Him more. Pride says we deserve better. I don’t want to waste my trials. I want to know my God.