When you are alone

Before I get into my planned post, let me say. Yes, I did go to the temple for my endowments this past weekend. Suffice it to say that it was wonderful. I cannot wait to go back! I'm already looking for a weekend that isn't already taken up to make an appointment. I wish I could say more, but the things that are on my heart regarding the ceremony and experience we cannot talk about. So, if you want to know what I'm thinking about regarding the experience, you can come with me to a temple session and we can talk about it there. Wouldn't that be fun!



Now, onto my post.......

"Then all the disciples forsook him, and fled." Matthew 26:56

There will always be times in our lives when, for lack of a better word, we are forsaken. Sometimes it will be through our own errors, but other times it is through no fault of our own. People are people. Even the best of people will hurt and disappoint. The key is to let it draw you to the Savior. My tendency is to pull inward. I tend to be untrusting to begin with, but if I begin to trust someone and let my guard down, any betrayal makes it that much harder for me to form loving, trusting relationships in the future.

It would dishonor the Savior for me to remain that way, so I have to keep trying. Sometimes I want to give up. I feel that way now. But, I read how those who have ministered with the Savior day in and day out, professing they would die for Him, leave Him at His hour of greatest need, and realize all our deepest hurts were experienced by Him who loves us most. He has felt my pain before. So what did He do? Once resurrected did he retaliate? No. He simply did His best to love them anyway. Of course His best will always be better than ours, but we cannot honor Him without trying.

There are some things I am going to try this time around. When tears are pouring down my cheeks and my heart aches so much that it feels like it is about to split, I am going to cry out to Him to remember how He felt when His disciples left Him and help me know what to do. I'm also going to remember that He loves me. Even if He was or is the only one who loves me, I am loved. And I'm loved by someone who will never put me aside. So, aside from crying out to Him, I will try to feel loved.

Other things He calls us to do in these circumstances I think I'm pretty good at. He wants us to love those who do not love us. Sometimes that comes easier to me than others. What helps is trying to see where they struggle and having compassion on them. When that is not enough I ask our Heavenly Father to show me some ways to love them.

When you love those who hurt you, you are being a Savior to them on Mt. Zion. You are also ministering to the Savior Himself. Just as Matthew says elsewhere, "Inasmuch as you've done it to the least of my brethren, you've done it onto me. So, go and be a Savior to others and remember you are loved by Him who loves permanently.

On my way to the temple

I go to the temple in two days to get my endowments. I have been looking forward to this day for so long. My dear friend Wally wrote me a few weeks back pointing out that as I get closer to the temple I should expect challenges. He was even thoughtful enough to list a few:

• My children's health and well being were threatened. (My oldest son was diagnosed with a mass on his heart. Just so you know, we recently found out the mass should not be life threatening. We'll just keep and eye on it.)


• My home was broken into. The theif/theives took everything I use to make my living.


• A drunk from my neighborhood showed up on my porch one evening to tell me he's been thinking about me and thinks I'm beautiful. (Why can't eligible, worthy LDS men tell me that?) This man showed up again this week to yell at me for a bit. Thankfully he didn't stay long.


• Added stress: financial worries, children plugging up pipes, needs I can't meet, more than the usual child messes and destruction.


• Unexpected temptations


• An old friend who consistently causes me pain.


• Now I'm sitting in bed sick.

I'll say this much. Even if I have a 104 degree fever, I am going to the temple. It is too important to me. I can't wait to learn. I'm excited about passing out family names to the people who are coming with me. I'm excited about sitting in the celestial room with my friends as they try to answer my questions. I sure hope I can remember everything.

Don't you think it is wonderful that our Heavenly Father provides a place for us where the veil is at least slightly thinner? A place where we can sit and listen to the Spirit and make convenants that help us on our journey? I think the temple is a little like a refuge away from home. I don't know if I'll be able to hear the Spirit with less effort there or not, but I will at least give it a valiant effort.

Only two days left to wait. I'm praying the kids don't completely destroy the place while I'm trying to get well enough to attend comfortably.

Seek Ye First

Because of my circumstances I tend to guard my time, so when the Rogers came and offered to take my children to a movie this afternoon my first thought was, "Great. I'll get some uninterrupted work done." God had other plans.

Across the street live a family of Muslims from Turkey. We've always been very friendly with them, although sometimes the language barrier is difficult. Today her mother came over to invite me to tea. Yes, don't worry, I follow the word of wisdom. I was a little frustrated because I was really wanting to use this time to work, but I knew it would be considered an insult to decline. So off I trotted across the street.

I asked for water instead of tea, which led to a whole host of questions. They had an interpreter there, so we were able to converse very well. For the last two hours I have gotten to share our faith with them. What beautiful spirits were in that room and how open they were to learning about my faith. It was such a glorious time.

I see the hand of our Heavenly Father in sending someone to take my children out today so the conversation about faith could go so much more smoothly and uninterrupted. I'm sure He is much more interested in using my time to share the gospel than in accomplishing those things I deem so important. I was slightly worried about how much time I was losing for work, but the verse kept coming to my mind, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you."

I'm confident as I use my time to share the gospel, minister to the needy, prepare my relief society lesson, and study hymns for my other calling as chorister that Heavenly Father will provide a way for me to use my time more effectively in providing for my family.

Please pray for this dear family from Turkey and their visiting mother to be open to the gospel. I just brought them a restoration DVD and they were excited to view it. I'm looking forward to how the Spirit will use this opportunity in both of our lives.

Hearing the Spirit

"Hearken, O ye people of my church, and ye elders listen together, and hear my voice while it is called today, and harden not your hearts;"

D & C 45:6

While investigating I was completely overwhelmed with the idea of hearing/feeling the Spirit. My faith didn't teach the Holy Spirit the same way. How in the world was I to tell the difference between the Spirit and my own thoughts and desires? I was completely dependent on Scripture. I had to see everything down in ink....and only in the Old and New Testament, thank you very much.

When I finally did become a member it wasn't much easier.....at first. In true Annmarie obsessive fashion I couldn't just sit there without knowing for sure. I read every talk available on how to hear the Spirit. I highlighted every Scripture I came across on the topic. I pestered all my friends about how they hear the Spirit. By far the most consistent answer was, "It is different for everyone, and it takes practice and experience to learn." Wow, that was discouraging to me. I wanted to know how to hear the Spirit...now!

I made the decision that if I thought something was the Spirit I should follow it. I had some guidelines for myself though. The foremost being it could not contradict Scripture. I am aware that at times the Lord appeared to tell someone something that contradicted Scripture, such as the case of Abraham's sacrifice, but Abraham has much more experience than I do in discerning the Spirit. Until I had his experience, I felt that was a good safety mechanism.

Another thought that occured to me was that if I had a good thought, one that edified someone else, it wouldn't matter if it was the Spirit or my own thought. It was a good thing to do. So off I went. Any little prompting was obeyed no matter how ridiculous it seemed to me at the time. This has worked well for me. Heavenly Father has been very kind to give me practice and evidence that it was His Spirit.

The night I began trusting my sense of the Spirit however came with something very everyday. I had the elders coming for dinner. None of my children had cooperated in school that day (I homeschool), the house was a wreck, and I only had twenty minutes to clean up a home that it looked like would take three hours. I was really fighting my pride and had no idea where to start. I plopped down onto my knees and asked the Lord to show me what was the best use of my time. I started with the Living Room. I was almost through with it when the prompting came to me to clean out the couch cushions. Now you have to understand I have four very messy children. Cleaning out the couch cushions, even when done regularly, takes forever. I began to talk back to the Spirit, "Really Heavenly Father? The couch cushions? Shouldn't I move on to the kitchen table so we actually have somewhere to eat where their aren't school books everywhere?"

His reply to my heart was "Don't ask me what to do, and then not do it." So I began pulling off the cushions and getting rid of two weeks of crayons, cracker crumbs, puzzle pieces, m & m's, even missing silverware. I did the big couch and started to move onto the loveseat, but the Spirit seemed uninterested in that small couch and said to move on to the table.

We had a pleasant dinner and visit and then the elders left. I asked the Lord, Why the couch, Father? Then the doorbell rang. It was one of the elders. "We can't find our keys." He marched right over to the big couch and pulled off the cushion where he had been sitting and there were his keys sitting on my new pristine underside of the couch. Imagine how relieved I was that I had actually obeyed the Spirit and cleaned that couch!

I know that seems silly, but that event gave me confidence. I began to trust my prompting and move forward with confidence that I was obeying the Holy Spirit. Since then, I've had much more important things depend on my obedience to the promptings of the Spirit, some with serious and spiritually vital results. I'm praying that I will always be obedient and follow His promptings as soon as He gives them. I also know that if I stop obeying, He'll stop prompting. That guidance is crucial to me, so it is important I do all I can.

I'd be happy to hear the ways you have learned to hear the voice of the Spirit, and what ways He has blessed you as a result.

Abraham's Sacrifice

Many of us would say we want to serve God with our whole heart. We would give Him anything He asked for. If we're honest, we say those words hoping He won't ask for anything too hard. But, sometimes He does. Sometimes He wants what holds our hearts.

Think of Abraham. Isaac was the son of his old age, the son of his beloved wife Sarah, the son who was Abraham's life. He loved him more than himself, as we all do our children. Knowing that, Abraham's Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Father, asked him to sacrifice his beloved son. Why? The Scriptures tell us, so he could test his devotion. My heart tears in two just thinking about what Abraham must have felt.

I've often thought that I would do pretty well with Abrahamic tests. I gave my life to Christ in my teen years without my parents permission. They were angry and retaliated. My teen years were difficult, but I maintained my convictions. My new found faith protected me from a life of immorality that I have watched destroy my siblings.

When my first born was six months old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified. My Dillon was my whole heart. It took me five years to have that special boy. I had been praying for a child for a loooong time. Now I wasn't sure I would be around to raise him. Oh, how my heart was shaking. When I got home from my post op appointment where I had received my diagnosis, I went straight to my scriptures. I read in Luke where the angel had just come to Mary and told her all the plans she had for her life where about to be changed. What was Mary's response? "I am the bondservant of the Lord, Be it done to me according to your word." I remember tears pouring down my face as I gazed at my young son and praying, "Oh, Father, I know I should feel this way. Right now all I can do is say it. Please help my heart to match up." The Lord not only spared my life, but blessed me with three additional children, and two others that died, but I will get to raise in eternity. I already love them.

Years later I felt the Lord drawing me to the Mormon faith. It was so different from the faith I had been devoted to. I was terrified I was being deceived. So was the church I was attending. It ended with divorce, excommunication, and ostracization. My whole life had fallen apart. I lost my marriage, my whole means of financial support, and every friend I had, but one, my dear friend Vicki. Yet, almost a year later, we are surviving, I am growing in the knowledge of the Lord, and we have made some of the best friends we have ever been blessed with in our entire lives. (Yeah, that is you Wally and Nancy!) Plus, in just over a month, I get my endowments.

You would think, with all that history and experience, I would remember that God never requires anything of us that He doesn't help us get through and bless us because of. Yet, a few weeks ago, when Heavenly Father required something else, something hard, I fell apart. I didn't want to hand it over. I wanted to hold onto it and say, "Not this too!" I felt betrayed and abandoned, like God was toying with me. What it really meant though was that I had not yet learned to trust Him. In all these years, I still didn't trust God. I was obeying simply because I love Him and desire to honor Him. Plus, I have a fear of disobedience. He must be very frustrated with me. Yet, even in the midst of disappointing Him, He shows me remarkable love and patience.

He has not chastized me once. Probably because He knows I do that quite enough for the both of us. Instead He has patiently waited for me to remember that He does love me, that He has my best interest at heart. Do I know in what way Heavenly Father will help me through this next sacrifice, or what blessing will result from obedience? Nope. I know it is hard. But, I also feel times of strength and joy. I'm obeying and waiting. I am also saying with Mary, "I am the bondservant of the Lord, be it done to me according to your word." And I'm a lot closer to meaning it, than not.

Trust

This is a hard post. I have struggled more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time. I have such a hard time trusting. It is a failure of mine. I have a very dear friend who tends to excuse that failure, reasoning that my life has never given me reason to trust. While I know he is right about my life, I don't think that excuses me.



I'm teaching two different lessons in church tomorrow. One in Sunday School and one in relief society. They were both hard to prepare for, but in different ways. The Relief Society lesson is on eternity. It was hard because the theology is so different. I have a lot to learn. There is a lot I don't yet understand, and there is a lot of information we just don't have yet--which just drives this need to learn everything woman insane! However, the Sunday School one was harder because it is where I am weak. It is on faith.



Believe me, I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe He is the Savior who died as an atonement for my and everyones sins. I also want nothing more than to know I am pleasing Him in everything I do. I want to make Him proud. I can't wait until eternity when I can ask Him all my questions and sit and listen and learn. I'm trying hard to do that now, but I fail.



There is a verse that has always convicted me: Hebrews 11:6 "but without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." I do believe that He is. It is the second part that I really struggle with.



The problem I have is that every person I have ever really loved has not only broken my heart, but some of them have been extremely evil or cruel. With the exception of Nancy Goddard, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the three Nephites (Hmm...maybe I should look that story up again. It might say that they are men.) I am often scared to trust people. Unfortunately that also leaks over to God too.



I have such a desire to have the kind of faith He wants me to. I want to love Him perfectly, as He deserves. I follow Alma's advice, and desire with all my heart and allow the seed to grow. I cling to Ether's promise that as I humble myself He will make my weakness a strength- and yet I still fail. I told a friend last week that I was feeling like I am a toy mouse and God is some big, malicious cat. I'm ashamed of that thought. I have no right to think that way given the sacrifice our Heavenly Father and His Son made for us. So I guess what I'd like to know is how have some of you developed your faith? What do you do at the times your heart is shredded and you don't seem able to pick up the pieces? What is it that helps you know that God not only saved you, but He really loves you? What teaches your heart that He is good and kind?



I always keep going, for a few reasons. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I love God with all my heart. Therefore, I want to please Him, and He tells me to keep going. I also have children that are more important to me than my own life. I want to be a good example to them. Hopefully soon I can be a better example of trust for them too.

Whithersoever

"And they went forth whitersoever they were led by the Spirit of the Lord," Alma 21:16

Wouldn't it be wonderful if this could always be said of us? Unfortunately, oftentimes our verse would probably read, "And they went forth whitersoever they felt like." There are many days I make wrong choices. Not evil choices, just not the best. How we use our time, what we spend time in conversation on, our responses to frustration. All of these can be directed by the Spirit, if we allow it.

Agency is a new concept to me. I come from a tradition where agency is non-existant. Instead God predetermines our path. When I was going through my excommunication at my previous church, I even received a letter from someone that said, "I don't know why God has you in such a path of rebellion right now. I can only hope He won't keep you there long." Really? God has caused my rebellion? Than why am I the one being excommunicated? And why is it rebellion to examine if we are following Him correctly?

Now, as I learn about Agency it raises a lot of questions for me. Anyone who knows me will not find that too surprising. How does God's plan and man's agency work together? What if God willed something and the party He chose was unwilling, does God's plan go unfullfilled? Can one person miss out on God's desire for them because someone else wouldn't obey? I don't have the answers to any of those questions. But what I do know is WHY Heavenly Father gave us agency. He gave it to us, so we could Choose the Right. It was never intended to give us freedom for evil, but the ability for Righteousness.

As I've worried about those questions, I realized I was focused on the wrong thing. Instead of worrying about the affects of others not using their agency well, I should focus on how to use mine well. That will be accomplished as I learn to hear the Spirit, and obey His commandments, not just His promptings, but those already written down so plainly for us in Scripture. The Scripture one is easy. There it is in black and white. It is easy to discern the Lord said something that way. Promptings, however, are harder for me. Yet another curse from my previous theological indoctrination. Happily, I am getting better at it. And so can all of us.

Here are some things that have helped me learn:

• Ask Heavenly Father. Pray to Him asking Him to teach you how His Spirit directs you, so you will be able to recognize His voice.
• Study it. Anytime I see in Scripture something about the Holy Spirit and His guidance I note it and write down what I have gleaned. I also spend time reading talks the Brethren (Ooh, look, I'm getting Mormon terms down now.) have given on being guided by the Holy Spirit. One of my favorites right now Acquiring Spiritual Guidance by Elder Richard G. Scott is available online.
• Obey it, even if you're not completely sure. If you think the Holy Spirit is telling you something, do it. There are some quick guides of course, He will not lead you to do unrighteousness. But, if He's brought to mind something good, go ahead with it. The only way to learn, is by following the promptings you are beginning to recognize. When we do that, I truly believe, and have experienced thus far, that those promptings will get stronger and become more recognizable. The converse is also true. If you do not follow those promptings, it will get harder to hear His Spirit guide you. None of us wants that.
• Write it down. When you feel promptings or teachings by the Spirit keep a record of it. That will help you down the road as you examine how it is the Holy Spirit has been speaking to you. You will begin to discern patterns.

So what happened to those believers in Alma who went whitersoever the Spirit led them? Verse 17 tells us "And it came to pass that the Lord began to bless them." Now that sounds great, doesn't it? I can also testify (yup, there's another Mormon term. I'm really getting those.) that there is an immense blessing in just knowing you're obeying Him. There is a joy that wells up in my heart everytime I speak or write about Heavenly Father and His plans for us. I feel it right now. I would also love to hear how you've learned to recognize the Spirit's promptings, or maybe times that you followed His guidance and the result. You don't have to post here, if you're too shy. You can email me at annmarieflorence@att.net. I love hearing about these things and both learning from them and rejoicing in them. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.