Do you ever want to be so much more than you are? I have a picture of what I want to be. God tells me to do something and I do it at the drop of a hat, without fear. That last part is what is hard for me. I'm scared a lot! My imaginary me also can discern the Spirit whenever He speaks. It's not that I don't hear Him. It's just that I know He says way more than my miniscule spirituality can discern. I would know my Scriptures by heart and not get confused by all the new Book of Mormon names. I would also be cheerful all the time. No sadness, no crying, no fear, no secretly wishing someone (whom I won't name) would fall down and break both arms. Hmmm...this is going to be a long paragraph, but there are a few more wishes for the imaginary me. My house would be spotlessly clean ALL the time, the laundry would always be caught up, and I'd bake something delicious every day. Do you know what else? I wouldn't exercize for an hour and then sit down and eat chocolate. Never mind, I don't wish that. I know the Old Testament said the heavenly bread called manna tastes a little like honey, but there must have been chocolate flavor in it somewhere.

I'm not sure I'll ever be the imaginary me this side of eternity, but I'm not one to give up. I don't want to improve as a means of showing worthiness, I know I will never be worthy of heavenly glory. For that reason, as well as many others, I am so grateful for the atonement. I want to improve so I can be more like Him. I want to be more like my Heavenly Father. I spent some time today sad, and wondering how someone who was dear to me, who taught me the gospel, could end up being so unrighteous. It was consuming me. I couldn't grasp it. Then I read Helaman 6. In this chapter the roles were reversed for the Lamanites and the Nephites.

Now, it was the Nephites who were behaving so unrighteously, and the Laamanites who were becoming righteous. It stood out to me because I had always looked up to the Nephites as a people, as I once had the person who had taught me the gospel. There were two things that stood out to me.

First, NO ONE is exempt from the possibility of an unrighteous life. We cannot progress without progressing. Previous righteousness will not keep us righteous. We have to constantly be learning and growing, or we'll end up unrepentant. The second thing that stood out to me, was what pleased the Father about the Lamanites. It said, "And thus we see that the Lord began to pour out his Spirit upon the Lamanites, because of their easiness and willingness to believe in his words." That was it. Believe. That sounds remarkably like "having the faith of a child". When my children are little, and they ask me a question about how something works, or why something is the way it is, they never question my answer. They assume, because I am mom, that I must know. That is a remarkable trust and one I take very seriously. Oh! how I long to be that way with my Heavenly Father. I want to have an easiness and willingness to believe His words. Funny, I have the willingness. It is the easiness that is getting me.

For now, I look across the distance of where I am and where I want to be, and sigh. But I know that even if all I can take are tiny steps forward, eventually, I will get there.

Shall We Not Go On?

It seems like I'm ALWAYS saying this, but I've had a rough month. This morning I found some encouragement. I've often been on the "take a lot of unkindness side" of a friendship from someone who was instrumental in introducing me to the gospel. I've always known he was a challenging personality, and yet my family loved him. Loved him so much in fact, that we all asked him to baptize us. We even have a child named after him. This month he decided to end his friendship with our family. He even sent me a note saying that any attempt to contact him by phone, email, letters, or ward members, will be "kindly and politely ignored". Now most people would be shaking their heads about how any of that could be considered kind or polite, but you'd have to know the person. To him it makes sense. I did say he was challenging.

This was really hard for me. I cared about him a great deal. I've put a lot of time, effort, and energy into trying to make his life better, petitioning God on his behalf for a problem he has, that has caused him great pain. I've spent countless hours praying for him, and had even been fasting one meal a day for him for over a year. Losing his friendship felt like losing a part of my body. Not to mention the pain it has brought to my children, which to be honest, causes an anger response on my part, so I have to not think about that part too much.

It is always confusing for new converts when members do hurtful things. Naturally it brings with it a flood of doubt about the gospel and thoughts in that vein. It did for me too. Now, I didn't become Mormon because of this man. He was challenging even when I was investigating. So when I converted, I had to do it despite some of his manifested challenges. Plus, I sacrificed a lot to even have the right to learn about the gospel. I had to give up an eighteen year marriage, every friend I had, and my means of support. When you do something like that, you want to make sure it is for the right reasons. So, by the time I commited myself to the gospel, even though I still had many fears, I was sure it was the right thing to do. And I still am.

It has just been an emotional and painful month. My former friend wasn't my only challenge. So I was getting worn down. I've cried a lot. I've gotten angry a lot. I've worried about my former friend a lot. I have seen him in a downward spiral for the last couple of years, and I'm scared for him. So, I threw myself on my bed and wept. I've done that a lot lately. I told my Father in Heaven how much I'm hurting. I told Him how I feel totally alone. I told him how scared I am, how I'm tired of being tossed aside by people who are supposed to care. I told him how much I was worried about my former friend, how I want to see him well and righteous. I want to see him be the man I know he is deep down.

Then my Father answered. This morning I read a passage that said a thousand things to my heart at once. It was D & C 128:22. "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren: and on, on to the victory!"

Here is what my Father said. I hope it will be as encouraging to you as it was to me.

First, "Stop worrying and fussing about your friend. Put him in My care. I'm aware of his problems and am quite capable of helping him. More capable than you, in fact. You don't have to spend any more energy on him. Trust me to love him." I know it is elementary, and I should have known this as a no-brainer kind of thing, but I didn't. Every time the subject came up, my best friend, Wally, constantly told me to trust my Heavenly Father to help him, and yet it didn't sink in. I kept taking responsibility for him. Apparently, I can be a challenging friend too. Don't you almost feel sorry for Wally having such a dense friend? Now, my former friend still comes to the forefront of my mind, and with it comes an abundance of sadness and pain for losing such a dear friend, but I can say, "Heavenly Father, he is in your hands. Please love him and help him grow. Give him a heart of repentance that truly loves you." Then, I practice being at peace. And I do mean practice. It doesn't come naturally to me.

Secondly, Father told me to move forward in the work He has for me. It goes in tandem with the first thing. Don't get so bogged down worrying about Neil that I am neglecting the work He has given me. I've got tons to do. There are incredible things Heavenly Father has given me responsibility for, and more He has planned. That is where my energy needs to be spent. And, it is SO GREAT a cause. Look at our gospel. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! There is nothing more valuable to spend our time and energy on.

Finally, He told me to have courage. I need courage right now. I'm terrified. I have so much responsibility and so few resources. I'm exhausted all the time. I never have enough money, no matter how much I work, I have four precious children to raise on my own, plus the myriad of daily stressors that are a part of anyones life. A van that feels no responsibility to work on a regular basis, constant physical pain, a rodent that has decided he likes my home, children needing training in some areas they don't find as urgent as I do, a drunk that keeps showing up at my door to tell me I'm pretty, or yell at me depending on his mood. Life. Courage is required. I felt encouraged, but I also felt inadequate. I know my faith needs to improve. I have so far to grow. So many ways I know I disappoint Him. But, I'll keep trying. I want to please Him. I want to do well. I want to have courage. And, I will go on. I love this gospel, and I love my Father. There is so much glorious work to do.

Art Thou Greater Than He?

I read D & C 122 today. It was good for me, for a lot of reasons. If you're unfamiliar with the passage it is worth taking time out to read before reading this. While a prsioner in the Liberty Jail, separated from his dear family, Joseph Smith cried out to the Lord many times. In March of 1839 God answered.

It may not have been the answer dear Joseph wanted. I've tried putting myself in his place. I would have wanted the Lord to say, "Don't worry, my precious Servant, I'm protecting you. You'll be back with your family soon, and all your enemies will know you are My servant." He didn't. Instead he listed all these conditional statements, and told Joseph Smith it is for his good. But, to Joseph, these weren't vague possibilities that he would have to determine in his heart to stay faithful regardless. These were his actual mortal experiences.

The Lord picked things that Joseph had lived. Look at verse six. "If thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of they wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can't you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you?"

Can you picture the torment in Joseph's heart? Not to mention his poor young son? Most of you have children. Picture one of your children at the tender age of six being torn from your bosom. Picture him fearing the "bad guys" taking his beloved parent away. Picture Joseph Smith wondering if he would ever see his dear wife and child again. Can you feel the anguish in his heart? I can, and it tears at my soul.

The Lord didn't end there though. After continuing on with other trials he says, "If the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee....." Yes, father, what then? "know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." Wow. Probably not what he was hoping. In some ways it sounds a little like when I tell my children to eat their asparagus. How many times has a parent uttered the phrase, "Because it is good for you."?

What could make such severe heartbreak and trauma good for us? Only one thing. God is preparing us to lead in eternity. We are being prepared for forever. If God could casually allow such heartache and it be only so we learn to "submit" in this life, He would be a most cruel God. My heart and spirit tells me that that is not it though. I am not undermining the importance of not resisiting at the trials God brings to our path. Instead I am looking past it to why it could be "good" for us.

We are not to resist His path for us, no matter how painful. When a prophet of the church made it known that Paul the apostle would be delivered up to the gentiles on his next trip to Jerusalem, the people began to weep and implore him not to go. What was Paul's response? "What mean ye to weep and to break mine heart? for I am ready not to be bound only, but also to die at Jersalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Acts 21:13 Oh how I want to have Paul's resolve! Whatever you want for me, Lord, I am ready. My spirit says that, but my flesh resists. I have dreams and hopes. What if they aren't in God's plan? That is when I have to look past this life.

Just as the Lord told Joseph Smith it was for his good and giving him experience, He is saying the same to us. I do not believe it was meant only for earthly experience. How would death help Joseph Smith with that? It wouldn't. This life is all in preparation for the next. He didn't just tell Joseph Smith that it was good for him though. He also reminded him of the Savior. In the very next verse, he says, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?" D & C 122:8 The answer, of course, is no. And neither am I.

Do you know what amazes me about the Savior though? Here I am thinking all about my eternity. Drawing hope in what my experiences will mean for me in the future. But, the Savior didn't go through mortality for His own eternity. He went through it for ours. He wasn't even considering what it would bring to Him. Remember what He said at the Heavenly Counsel? ""Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever." Moses 4:2 I wonder how much longer it will take me to be like Him?

Have they heard?

I was reading Psalm 44 today. It begins like this..... "We have heard with our ears, O God, our fathers have told us, what work thou didst in their days, in the times of old." It occured to me how important it is not just to tell our children the great works that God has done in Scripture, but in our lives as well.

Sometimes seeing how God answered a prayer of their mom's, or how He intervened when I didn't even know I needed help will have a greater impact on them than hearing about the parting of the Red Sea. It brings it closer to home. I can't tell you how many times, when I am speaking about a spiritual topic with someone that one of my children will say, "Mom, tell them about the time that...." I'm always surprised at the things they remember.

So, take some time to think about things God has taught you, or done for you and pick a couple to tell your children, or your neighbor's children if your kids have heard all your stories already.

When you are alone

Before I get into my planned post, let me say. Yes, I did go to the temple for my endowments this past weekend. Suffice it to say that it was wonderful. I cannot wait to go back! I'm already looking for a weekend that isn't already taken up to make an appointment. I wish I could say more, but the things that are on my heart regarding the ceremony and experience we cannot talk about. So, if you want to know what I'm thinking about regarding the experience, you can come with me to a temple session and we can talk about it there. Wouldn't that be fun!



Now, onto my post.......

"Then all the disciples forsook him, and fled." Matthew 26:56

There will always be times in our lives when, for lack of a better word, we are forsaken. Sometimes it will be through our own errors, but other times it is through no fault of our own. People are people. Even the best of people will hurt and disappoint. The key is to let it draw you to the Savior. My tendency is to pull inward. I tend to be untrusting to begin with, but if I begin to trust someone and let my guard down, any betrayal makes it that much harder for me to form loving, trusting relationships in the future.

It would dishonor the Savior for me to remain that way, so I have to keep trying. Sometimes I want to give up. I feel that way now. But, I read how those who have ministered with the Savior day in and day out, professing they would die for Him, leave Him at His hour of greatest need, and realize all our deepest hurts were experienced by Him who loves us most. He has felt my pain before. So what did He do? Once resurrected did he retaliate? No. He simply did His best to love them anyway. Of course His best will always be better than ours, but we cannot honor Him without trying.

There are some things I am going to try this time around. When tears are pouring down my cheeks and my heart aches so much that it feels like it is about to split, I am going to cry out to Him to remember how He felt when His disciples left Him and help me know what to do. I'm also going to remember that He loves me. Even if He was or is the only one who loves me, I am loved. And I'm loved by someone who will never put me aside. So, aside from crying out to Him, I will try to feel loved.

Other things He calls us to do in these circumstances I think I'm pretty good at. He wants us to love those who do not love us. Sometimes that comes easier to me than others. What helps is trying to see where they struggle and having compassion on them. When that is not enough I ask our Heavenly Father to show me some ways to love them.

When you love those who hurt you, you are being a Savior to them on Mt. Zion. You are also ministering to the Savior Himself. Just as Matthew says elsewhere, "Inasmuch as you've done it to the least of my brethren, you've done it onto me. So, go and be a Savior to others and remember you are loved by Him who loves permanently.

On my way to the temple

I go to the temple in two days to get my endowments. I have been looking forward to this day for so long. My dear friend Wally wrote me a few weeks back pointing out that as I get closer to the temple I should expect challenges. He was even thoughtful enough to list a few:

• My children's health and well being were threatened. (My oldest son was diagnosed with a mass on his heart. Just so you know, we recently found out the mass should not be life threatening. We'll just keep and eye on it.)


• My home was broken into. The theif/theives took everything I use to make my living.


• A drunk from my neighborhood showed up on my porch one evening to tell me he's been thinking about me and thinks I'm beautiful. (Why can't eligible, worthy LDS men tell me that?) This man showed up again this week to yell at me for a bit. Thankfully he didn't stay long.


• Added stress: financial worries, children plugging up pipes, needs I can't meet, more than the usual child messes and destruction.


• Unexpected temptations


• An old friend who consistently causes me pain.


• Now I'm sitting in bed sick.

I'll say this much. Even if I have a 104 degree fever, I am going to the temple. It is too important to me. I can't wait to learn. I'm excited about passing out family names to the people who are coming with me. I'm excited about sitting in the celestial room with my friends as they try to answer my questions. I sure hope I can remember everything.

Don't you think it is wonderful that our Heavenly Father provides a place for us where the veil is at least slightly thinner? A place where we can sit and listen to the Spirit and make convenants that help us on our journey? I think the temple is a little like a refuge away from home. I don't know if I'll be able to hear the Spirit with less effort there or not, but I will at least give it a valiant effort.

Only two days left to wait. I'm praying the kids don't completely destroy the place while I'm trying to get well enough to attend comfortably.

Seek Ye First

Because of my circumstances I tend to guard my time, so when the Rogers came and offered to take my children to a movie this afternoon my first thought was, "Great. I'll get some uninterrupted work done." God had other plans.

Across the street live a family of Muslims from Turkey. We've always been very friendly with them, although sometimes the language barrier is difficult. Today her mother came over to invite me to tea. Yes, don't worry, I follow the word of wisdom. I was a little frustrated because I was really wanting to use this time to work, but I knew it would be considered an insult to decline. So off I trotted across the street.

I asked for water instead of tea, which led to a whole host of questions. They had an interpreter there, so we were able to converse very well. For the last two hours I have gotten to share our faith with them. What beautiful spirits were in that room and how open they were to learning about my faith. It was such a glorious time.

I see the hand of our Heavenly Father in sending someone to take my children out today so the conversation about faith could go so much more smoothly and uninterrupted. I'm sure He is much more interested in using my time to share the gospel than in accomplishing those things I deem so important. I was slightly worried about how much time I was losing for work, but the verse kept coming to my mind, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you."

I'm confident as I use my time to share the gospel, minister to the needy, prepare my relief society lesson, and study hymns for my other calling as chorister that Heavenly Father will provide a way for me to use my time more effectively in providing for my family.

Please pray for this dear family from Turkey and their visiting mother to be open to the gospel. I just brought them a restoration DVD and they were excited to view it. I'm looking forward to how the Spirit will use this opportunity in both of our lives.