Hearing the Spirit

"Hearken, O ye people of my church, and ye elders listen together, and hear my voice while it is called today, and harden not your hearts;"

D & C 45:6

While investigating I was completely overwhelmed with the idea of hearing/feeling the Spirit. My faith didn't teach the Holy Spirit the same way. How in the world was I to tell the difference between the Spirit and my own thoughts and desires? I was completely dependent on Scripture. I had to see everything down in ink....and only in the Old and New Testament, thank you very much.

When I finally did become a member it wasn't much easier.....at first. In true Annmarie obsessive fashion I couldn't just sit there without knowing for sure. I read every talk available on how to hear the Spirit. I highlighted every Scripture I came across on the topic. I pestered all my friends about how they hear the Spirit. By far the most consistent answer was, "It is different for everyone, and it takes practice and experience to learn." Wow, that was discouraging to me. I wanted to know how to hear the Spirit...now!

I made the decision that if I thought something was the Spirit I should follow it. I had some guidelines for myself though. The foremost being it could not contradict Scripture. I am aware that at times the Lord appeared to tell someone something that contradicted Scripture, such as the case of Abraham's sacrifice, but Abraham has much more experience than I do in discerning the Spirit. Until I had his experience, I felt that was a good safety mechanism.

Another thought that occured to me was that if I had a good thought, one that edified someone else, it wouldn't matter if it was the Spirit or my own thought. It was a good thing to do. So off I went. Any little prompting was obeyed no matter how ridiculous it seemed to me at the time. This has worked well for me. Heavenly Father has been very kind to give me practice and evidence that it was His Spirit.

The night I began trusting my sense of the Spirit however came with something very everyday. I had the elders coming for dinner. None of my children had cooperated in school that day (I homeschool), the house was a wreck, and I only had twenty minutes to clean up a home that it looked like would take three hours. I was really fighting my pride and had no idea where to start. I plopped down onto my knees and asked the Lord to show me what was the best use of my time. I started with the Living Room. I was almost through with it when the prompting came to me to clean out the couch cushions. Now you have to understand I have four very messy children. Cleaning out the couch cushions, even when done regularly, takes forever. I began to talk back to the Spirit, "Really Heavenly Father? The couch cushions? Shouldn't I move on to the kitchen table so we actually have somewhere to eat where their aren't school books everywhere?"

His reply to my heart was "Don't ask me what to do, and then not do it." So I began pulling off the cushions and getting rid of two weeks of crayons, cracker crumbs, puzzle pieces, m & m's, even missing silverware. I did the big couch and started to move onto the loveseat, but the Spirit seemed uninterested in that small couch and said to move on to the table.

We had a pleasant dinner and visit and then the elders left. I asked the Lord, Why the couch, Father? Then the doorbell rang. It was one of the elders. "We can't find our keys." He marched right over to the big couch and pulled off the cushion where he had been sitting and there were his keys sitting on my new pristine underside of the couch. Imagine how relieved I was that I had actually obeyed the Spirit and cleaned that couch!

I know that seems silly, but that event gave me confidence. I began to trust my prompting and move forward with confidence that I was obeying the Holy Spirit. Since then, I've had much more important things depend on my obedience to the promptings of the Spirit, some with serious and spiritually vital results. I'm praying that I will always be obedient and follow His promptings as soon as He gives them. I also know that if I stop obeying, He'll stop prompting. That guidance is crucial to me, so it is important I do all I can.

I'd be happy to hear the ways you have learned to hear the voice of the Spirit, and what ways He has blessed you as a result.

Abraham's Sacrifice

Many of us would say we want to serve God with our whole heart. We would give Him anything He asked for. If we're honest, we say those words hoping He won't ask for anything too hard. But, sometimes He does. Sometimes He wants what holds our hearts.

Think of Abraham. Isaac was the son of his old age, the son of his beloved wife Sarah, the son who was Abraham's life. He loved him more than himself, as we all do our children. Knowing that, Abraham's Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Father, asked him to sacrifice his beloved son. Why? The Scriptures tell us, so he could test his devotion. My heart tears in two just thinking about what Abraham must have felt.

I've often thought that I would do pretty well with Abrahamic tests. I gave my life to Christ in my teen years without my parents permission. They were angry and retaliated. My teen years were difficult, but I maintained my convictions. My new found faith protected me from a life of immorality that I have watched destroy my siblings.

When my first born was six months old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified. My Dillon was my whole heart. It took me five years to have that special boy. I had been praying for a child for a loooong time. Now I wasn't sure I would be around to raise him. Oh, how my heart was shaking. When I got home from my post op appointment where I had received my diagnosis, I went straight to my scriptures. I read in Luke where the angel had just come to Mary and told her all the plans she had for her life where about to be changed. What was Mary's response? "I am the bondservant of the Lord, Be it done to me according to your word." I remember tears pouring down my face as I gazed at my young son and praying, "Oh, Father, I know I should feel this way. Right now all I can do is say it. Please help my heart to match up." The Lord not only spared my life, but blessed me with three additional children, and two others that died, but I will get to raise in eternity. I already love them.

Years later I felt the Lord drawing me to the Mormon faith. It was so different from the faith I had been devoted to. I was terrified I was being deceived. So was the church I was attending. It ended with divorce, excommunication, and ostracization. My whole life had fallen apart. I lost my marriage, my whole means of financial support, and every friend I had, but one, my dear friend Vicki. Yet, almost a year later, we are surviving, I am growing in the knowledge of the Lord, and we have made some of the best friends we have ever been blessed with in our entire lives. (Yeah, that is you Wally and Nancy!) Plus, in just over a month, I get my endowments.

You would think, with all that history and experience, I would remember that God never requires anything of us that He doesn't help us get through and bless us because of. Yet, a few weeks ago, when Heavenly Father required something else, something hard, I fell apart. I didn't want to hand it over. I wanted to hold onto it and say, "Not this too!" I felt betrayed and abandoned, like God was toying with me. What it really meant though was that I had not yet learned to trust Him. In all these years, I still didn't trust God. I was obeying simply because I love Him and desire to honor Him. Plus, I have a fear of disobedience. He must be very frustrated with me. Yet, even in the midst of disappointing Him, He shows me remarkable love and patience.

He has not chastized me once. Probably because He knows I do that quite enough for the both of us. Instead He has patiently waited for me to remember that He does love me, that He has my best interest at heart. Do I know in what way Heavenly Father will help me through this next sacrifice, or what blessing will result from obedience? Nope. I know it is hard. But, I also feel times of strength and joy. I'm obeying and waiting. I am also saying with Mary, "I am the bondservant of the Lord, be it done to me according to your word." And I'm a lot closer to meaning it, than not.

Trust

This is a hard post. I have struggled more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time. I have such a hard time trusting. It is a failure of mine. I have a very dear friend who tends to excuse that failure, reasoning that my life has never given me reason to trust. While I know he is right about my life, I don't think that excuses me.



I'm teaching two different lessons in church tomorrow. One in Sunday School and one in relief society. They were both hard to prepare for, but in different ways. The Relief Society lesson is on eternity. It was hard because the theology is so different. I have a lot to learn. There is a lot I don't yet understand, and there is a lot of information we just don't have yet--which just drives this need to learn everything woman insane! However, the Sunday School one was harder because it is where I am weak. It is on faith.



Believe me, I have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe He is the Savior who died as an atonement for my and everyones sins. I also want nothing more than to know I am pleasing Him in everything I do. I want to make Him proud. I can't wait until eternity when I can ask Him all my questions and sit and listen and learn. I'm trying hard to do that now, but I fail.



There is a verse that has always convicted me: Hebrews 11:6 "but without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." I do believe that He is. It is the second part that I really struggle with.



The problem I have is that every person I have ever really loved has not only broken my heart, but some of them have been extremely evil or cruel. With the exception of Nancy Goddard, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the three Nephites (Hmm...maybe I should look that story up again. It might say that they are men.) I am often scared to trust people. Unfortunately that also leaks over to God too.



I have such a desire to have the kind of faith He wants me to. I want to love Him perfectly, as He deserves. I follow Alma's advice, and desire with all my heart and allow the seed to grow. I cling to Ether's promise that as I humble myself He will make my weakness a strength- and yet I still fail. I told a friend last week that I was feeling like I am a toy mouse and God is some big, malicious cat. I'm ashamed of that thought. I have no right to think that way given the sacrifice our Heavenly Father and His Son made for us. So I guess what I'd like to know is how have some of you developed your faith? What do you do at the times your heart is shredded and you don't seem able to pick up the pieces? What is it that helps you know that God not only saved you, but He really loves you? What teaches your heart that He is good and kind?



I always keep going, for a few reasons. I know it may seem hypocritical, but I love God with all my heart. Therefore, I want to please Him, and He tells me to keep going. I also have children that are more important to me than my own life. I want to be a good example to them. Hopefully soon I can be a better example of trust for them too.

Whithersoever

"And they went forth whitersoever they were led by the Spirit of the Lord," Alma 21:16

Wouldn't it be wonderful if this could always be said of us? Unfortunately, oftentimes our verse would probably read, "And they went forth whitersoever they felt like." There are many days I make wrong choices. Not evil choices, just not the best. How we use our time, what we spend time in conversation on, our responses to frustration. All of these can be directed by the Spirit, if we allow it.

Agency is a new concept to me. I come from a tradition where agency is non-existant. Instead God predetermines our path. When I was going through my excommunication at my previous church, I even received a letter from someone that said, "I don't know why God has you in such a path of rebellion right now. I can only hope He won't keep you there long." Really? God has caused my rebellion? Than why am I the one being excommunicated? And why is it rebellion to examine if we are following Him correctly?

Now, as I learn about Agency it raises a lot of questions for me. Anyone who knows me will not find that too surprising. How does God's plan and man's agency work together? What if God willed something and the party He chose was unwilling, does God's plan go unfullfilled? Can one person miss out on God's desire for them because someone else wouldn't obey? I don't have the answers to any of those questions. But what I do know is WHY Heavenly Father gave us agency. He gave it to us, so we could Choose the Right. It was never intended to give us freedom for evil, but the ability for Righteousness.

As I've worried about those questions, I realized I was focused on the wrong thing. Instead of worrying about the affects of others not using their agency well, I should focus on how to use mine well. That will be accomplished as I learn to hear the Spirit, and obey His commandments, not just His promptings, but those already written down so plainly for us in Scripture. The Scripture one is easy. There it is in black and white. It is easy to discern the Lord said something that way. Promptings, however, are harder for me. Yet another curse from my previous theological indoctrination. Happily, I am getting better at it. And so can all of us.

Here are some things that have helped me learn:

• Ask Heavenly Father. Pray to Him asking Him to teach you how His Spirit directs you, so you will be able to recognize His voice.
• Study it. Anytime I see in Scripture something about the Holy Spirit and His guidance I note it and write down what I have gleaned. I also spend time reading talks the Brethren (Ooh, look, I'm getting Mormon terms down now.) have given on being guided by the Holy Spirit. One of my favorites right now Acquiring Spiritual Guidance by Elder Richard G. Scott is available online.
• Obey it, even if you're not completely sure. If you think the Holy Spirit is telling you something, do it. There are some quick guides of course, He will not lead you to do unrighteousness. But, if He's brought to mind something good, go ahead with it. The only way to learn, is by following the promptings you are beginning to recognize. When we do that, I truly believe, and have experienced thus far, that those promptings will get stronger and become more recognizable. The converse is also true. If you do not follow those promptings, it will get harder to hear His Spirit guide you. None of us wants that.
• Write it down. When you feel promptings or teachings by the Spirit keep a record of it. That will help you down the road as you examine how it is the Holy Spirit has been speaking to you. You will begin to discern patterns.

So what happened to those believers in Alma who went whitersoever the Spirit led them? Verse 17 tells us "And it came to pass that the Lord began to bless them." Now that sounds great, doesn't it? I can also testify (yup, there's another Mormon term. I'm really getting those.) that there is an immense blessing in just knowing you're obeying Him. There is a joy that wells up in my heart everytime I speak or write about Heavenly Father and His plans for us. I feel it right now. I would also love to hear how you've learned to recognize the Spirit's promptings, or maybe times that you followed His guidance and the result. You don't have to post here, if you're too shy. You can email me at annmarieflorence@att.net. I love hearing about these things and both learning from them and rejoicing in them. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

Lessons from the past

I went to a singles dance in Memphis this month. My favorite part was getting to visit with Elder Bird. He is a young missionary that used to work in my area. However, it was the drive up that taught me a lesson. I met a new friend who told me about her ancestry. Her family converted to Mormonism back in the days of Brigham Young. They lived in Wales and her great, great, great....grandmother would sell milk and eggs to try to earn money. She was saving up to move to the United States so she could meet up with the saints going out west.
This dear sister was nine months pregnant with her 8th child when she found out that President Young was sending a relief ship for the converts in her area. She told her husband they were going to be on that ship. Out of love for her, he wanted to wait. Such a journey would be hard for anyone, but someone 9 months pregnant with seven other children already to care for, it just seemed too much.
She was determined though, and nothing her husband said could disuade her. Finally, he relented. They were going to be on that ship. Some missionaries came to their home and gave them a blessing. During the blessing, one missionary boldly stated that if they kept the commandments, not one family member would be lost on the journey. Now for a personality like mine, that blessing would be terrifying. I would feel the safety of my family depended on me not sinning in any way- no unkind thoughts, no selfish actions...wow! so much pressure. My new friend explained to me that there is more grace involved than that. Good thing.
Off her relatives went. Her ancestor gave birth on the ship, and when they arrived in America she now had a precious new child that they took turns carrying on a pillow. Unfortunately there were 400 more people that had arrived than even President Young knew about so there were not enough hand carts for the pilgrims about to embark on the trek across the country. They had to build their own handcarts out of green wood. The journey was hard. There was snow on the ground almost the entire way, often in blizzard conditions. Their 7 year old had to be tied to the cart so he wouldn't get lost in the storm. But, just as God promised, their family arrived with not one member losing a life. Our God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. This is the same faithful Father, who tells me everyday, "Dispute not because you see not." when I am faced with fear of His promises to me going unfullfilled.

I learned two things from this dear sister's experience:

1. Trust and Faith. You see my Heavenly Father promised me something too. Something private, so don't ask. However, current circumstances have often caused me to doubt His promise. I don't see how it is possible. But, then I am reminded of the words of the angel to Mary. "For with God, nothing shall be impossible." I, like Mary, am a bondservant of the Lord and need to remember and trust that "It shall be done to me according to His word." Trust is hard for me, so maybe that is what my Father is trying to help me learn.

2. Perserverance. Things in my life are difficult and at times exceedingly painful. There are days I wish the Lord would not require me to continue. I remind myself now, that this woman also had a difficult storm to whether (both literally and figuratively), but because she was faithful all of her family arrived safely to their destination. I will be faithful too. Then I too will see the word of God fulfilled.

I'm Back

When I left off blogging, I was investigating the Mormon church. It started because I met a Mormon that meant a lot to me. I was always taught that Mormons were good people who were deceived, but in a cult destined for hell. I couldn't very well say I cared about someone and just let them go to hell, so I decided to try and convert him. As I spent time studying to discuss his theology with him, I realized I didn't truly understand the Latter Day Saint religion. The more I learned about it, the more I began wondering if I was the one who needed converting. I couldn't talk to anyone about it because it would have caused me no end of problems-and I just wasn't sure it was true yet.
I stopped blogging because it felt too duplicitous to write about things and not discuss what was really on my mind and heart. As a result, the posts were always shallow, which annoyed me. Eventually however, I was discovered and turned in, so I had, well, just what I expected.....no end of problems: excommunication, loss of friends, loss of jobs, the list goes on.
However the Lord never asks us to do something that he doesn't provide a means for us to do it, so I've been well taken care of by Him and His servants. (I Nephi 3:7) Recently I've been asked to write a book about my conversion. I didn't find that a very good idea. Who wanted to hear about my conversion? I told him what I'd really like to write is a book to help Latter Day Saints understand where evangelicals are coming from theologically in order to aid in sharing the gospel with them. His reply? "Fine, just do it in the context of your conversion."
That I can do. So now I'm back blogging. I am free to discuss anything I want. Seriously, what else can they do to me? It will be the thrill of my heart to talk about life again- but this time in the context of Scripture and how we can apply the things the Lord has taught us. I welcome your thoughts as well. I mean that sincerly. I'm not stupid. I expect unkind comments as well. But, I've finally learned how to deal with those. Instead of deleting them (which I used to do on Facebook), I now look at them as an opportunity to share my faith that I didn't have before.

Assignment 2 completed!

Well, amidst more illnesses than I can count spread out between four children (they do like to share) and God blessing me with extra work, I've finally gotten my second assignment turned in for my writing course. I had to write a novel synopsis which entailed a 1500 word plot and main character synopsis, a market rationale, and a list of potential publishers to my instructor.
I can't believe I actually got it done. Now that I have I am so completely excited to actually get to do the writing. Of course, that still has to wait because my next assignment is a chapter by chapter outline. Not as much fun as the actual writing of course, but handy to have when your brain just can't remember what was supposed to come next.
We start school on Monday so I'm nervous about juggling it all. Somehow, though, God always enables us to manage, doesn't He? If you think about it, pray for Dillon. He leaves for his first youth group trip tomorrow. He's stoked, but mom's terrified!