Being Highly Favored of God

I think sometimes it is easy to confuse favor with blessings. When adversity comes into our life, it is tempting to wonder if we’re doing something wrong. However, if you search through the Scriptures you’ll see a different story.  While it is true that you can see temporal success and wealth as a blessing for obedience, such as in the case of Abraham, there are other blessings as well. The former makes life slightly simpler, the latter makes life richer. Those are the kind I learned about this morning.

My favorite thing to do on Sundays is to get to the chapel early. This way I can sit in the quiet atmosphere and read my Scriptures. There are no distractions in the chapel….unless my kids are fussing. This morning I was reading in I Nephi.  In the very first verse Nephi says,

“….having seen many afflictions in the course of my days,…”

Right after that you would expect him to talk about how difficult his trials have been, yet how he’s grown from them. That’s what most of us would say. But not Nephi. His next words were,

“…having been highly favored of the Lord…”

What? Highly favored? Why would he say that? How are afflictions evidence of favor? Here’s how.

“….having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God.”

When we’re in adversity, grace comes with it. Think of the times your children are suffering. Don’t you try to do everything in  your power to help them through it? Maybe you even buy them a special treat as a means of brightening their day.  I see that time and time again when adversity comes my way.

I’m struggling and struggling, then right about the time I think my back will break under the load, it suddenly gets lighter. Next thing I know some little thing comes along that makes me smile. A tiny gift from heaven. All through that time, often I can feel His presence with me. Not always, but often. I am learning about the goodness of God.

During adversity I am also gleaning much out of Scripture that I have not seen before. It could be a Scripture I’ve read a thousand times which suddenly is rich with meaning I had previously missed. Thus, God is unraveling some things to me that were previously a mystery.

It is not just Nephi who had adversity come as a result of the favor of heaven. The two that come to my mind immediately are Daniel the prophet and Mary the Savior’s mother.

Daniel had gone through much adversity in his life. Kidnapped at the age of around 14 by Nebuchadnezzar’s army. Made to endure indoctrination. Having his life threatened when Nebuchadnezzar had a hissy fit after a nightmare. Placed in a den of lions as an elderly man. I think it is safe to say he knew adversity. Yet, when the angel came to him to reveal unto him the mysteries of heaven he called him “a man greatly beloved”.

Young Mary was also looked upon with esteem in heaven. When the angel came to visit her he said, “Hail, thou that art highly favored…” Yet, shortly after her beloved Son was born, Simeon prophesied that a sword would pierce her very soul. How many of us could endure watching our child tortured and killed publicly?

It appears that sometimes the favor of heaven is not an easy thing.  Maybe when we’re facing our adversities we should remember that our Heavenly Father put this in our paths because He has enough confidence in us to bear it with His help. He’s also designed it to teach us about Him. Both His goodness and the mysteries of Heaven. Can we consider that worth the pain? When we look at it through heavenly glasses maybe during a particularly difficult trial we can remember that we are favored.

The Best Big Brother

I read the most encouraging verse last night. I have been struggling with quite a few emotions over the last couple of weeks. I’ve run into some people from my old church, and though one of them was polite, many have been….I guess the closest word I can come up with is “frustrating”.  Compound that with the multitude of nasty rumors I’ve heard recently and I had kind of had it. The funniest one was to hear that I was married to a man that I had left my husband for. Apparently the whole Mormon thing was just a cover. Oh..and my new husband is quite wealthy so the children and I have a very posh life right now.  People puzzle me.

So, I was dealing with that, as well as other liars, which left me feeling quite alone. I have no way of correcting the lies, which is quite a helpless feeling, actually, especially when you feel alone. I don’t really have many close friends yet. Starting over isn’t easy, especially when you’re not just starting over socially, but fiscally and theologically as well.  Developing real friendships is hard, mostly because  it takes a lot of time and I’m a little short on that commodity. Plus, I’m more hesitant to trust than I used to be.  I’ll always have my dear friend Vicki, whom I treasure and feel certain I can trust, but we live a distance apart.

Last night I was exhausted. I was trying to get ready for my daughter’s birthday party (cake, crafts, house cleaning, etc.), I had to work, people kept needing things, children were fighting, and I could literally feel myself falling behind. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed with the tasks before me I get lonely. I decided my best course of action was to take some extra time to read more Scriptures. I was so glad I did. I came across this passage:

“But behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst…..” D & C 38:7

I had the most overwhelming feeling of love, and the sudden feeling that the Savior was right beside me. Not only that, but He was letting me know that He knew what I was going through. It gave me the impression that He knows and understands what I’m feeling. I’m not really alone. It was a remarkable feeling. I’ve often felt like the Savior was aware of me and my circumstances, and that He had compassion. Last night, however, I felt like he was literally beside me. It is not a feeling I will easily forget.

We really are a blessed people. Not only do we have a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give His only begotten Son for our atonement, but that Son (our brother) comes alongside us even after His remarkable sacrifice, to be a support.

I knew girls growing up who had really great brothers. Brothers who loved them and looked after them. Brothers who enjoyed them and liked spending time with them. They were companion and protector simultaneously.  I was jealous of those girls. Now I realize I am one of them.  And so are you.

Our Brother and Savior knows us. He is in our midst. What a precious gift! To me, one of the best parts is that He is an honest Brother and Friend. He won’t tell us what we want to hear for personal gain, or to get something out of us. He tells us the truth. If we need and deserve encouragement, He’ll give it. But, if we need correcting He does that too. It’s not hard accepting His criticism, because we know it is done in real love. He has the right to correct.

I don’t know how I can feel discouraged with knowledge of such a Friend. I am truly blessed. Even as I type this, I realize in reality I will still have days I don’t remember this at all and get discouraged again. Hopefully typing it out will help solidify it in my mind. We’ll see. At least for now I remember I have a Savior who is the best big brother one could ever hope for.

Service

 

I missed blogging last weekend. This working four jobs is killing me right now, so I fell behind. You’d think working four jobs would provide enough money for my family, but I inherited a lot of debt in the divorce, so we’re still barely squeaking by. Heaven forbid something break down or someone get sick.  Uuugh! One day things won’t be so tough. Hopefully soon because I’m pooped! I actually found myself singing Somewhere, Over the Rainbow the other day longingly.

My children are worth it though. I don’t mind pouring myself out for people I love so desperately. When I’m exhausted and every part of my body aches, and I don’t think I can do one more day, I look into their faces and think, “Yes, I can. I must. For their sakes.” Well, enough about me.

My Relief Society lesson this week is on service, so I’ve been thinking about the topic a lot. Plus, a good friend and I have been having many discussions on the topic. I came across this passage that I keep meditating on. I see more and more meaning in it all the time.

“For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;” D&C 58: 26-27

These verses are just pregnant with so much important information. Heavenly Father wants us to obey and serve on our own. He doesn’t want to have to tell us each and every item to do in that arena. He’s given us intelligence and agency. We’re to go and do. It reminds me a little of when I am telling my children to clean their room. Once they have the cognitive abilities, I should not have to sit there and say, “Now go put the books on the shelf. Great. Now pick up your dirty clothes.” I should just have to say, “Go clean your room.” They are intelligent enough to know what that entails.

When they are even more mature, I shouldn’t even have to tell them to clean their room. It should be a responsibility they do completely without compulsion. In case you’re wondering…..they’re not there yet.

The concept is the same for us. Heavenly Father shouldn’t have to say, “Lisa is having a challenging week. Go help her around the house.” or “Brother Carlyle just lost his job. Why don’t you see if you can help buy their children their school uniforms to take some pressure off of him.” Instead we are to be anxiously engaged in good causes, doing them of our own freewill, just as he taught us in D&C 58. We need to be looking for opportunities to serve.

Heavenly Father has given each of us gifts that uniquely qualify us to serve the body of Christ. I have enjoyed getting to tutor a young man in college algebra this week. That was unique act of service I could do. Wouldn’t it be great if each day we woke up and looked for someone to serve that day? Wouldn’t the body of Christ be much more the way Heavenly Father intended? What will it feel like to get to judgment day and have Heavenly Father say, “You brought to pass much righteousness. Well done My good and faithful servant”? 

Maybe it will help if we remember, “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.”

Well, I know this is a short one, but I’ve still got so much to do tonight. I try to look on the bright side when I’m overwhelmed. At least there isn’t much chance of me getting bored.

An Anchor to the Soul

I left church after Sacrament meeting today, which is something I never do.  I wasn’t feeling well. So I drove home, took some medicine, and tried to get some rest, but of course, I couldn’t sleep. You would think someone who lives on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night would conk right out, but my mind wouldn’t shut off.

Plan B was to read my Scriptures in silence. A rarity at this hopping house. I read something magnificent. For my Book of Mormon reading I am in Ether 12. It is so packed that this is day three on the same chapter. I just keep finding more gems. Right now I am compiling a three column list on everything Ether has to say about faith, hope, and charity in just this one chapter.

The verse I want to focus on right now is verse four:

“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.”

If you’ve ever felt thrashed about by the storms of life, this verse should make you breathe a sigh of relief. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up on Staten Island. I sure miss that place sometimes. When I was a child riding the Staten Island Ferry, I would often go to one of the port holes and look into the churning sea. Although I loved the feel of the air and water as it sprayed up at me, the voyage itself frightened me, so I would sit and watch hoping nothing would go wrong with our voyage.

I was always fascinated by the gigantic chains that would place and withdraw the anchors and wonder how they could help keep such a massive boat in place. I still don’t know the technicalities of all of it, but somehow it worked. Our boat was sure and steadfast.

According to the Scriptures, faith is our anchor. This anchor, however, does way more than the ones on the ferries I grew up with. First, it gives us a hopeful, secure future. Ether called it a better world. It is better because we are at the right hand of God.  At first that phrase puzzled me.  At the right hand of God? No, that is the Savior’s rightful place-definitely not mine. Maybe it was my tiredness, but I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. The answer of course was obvious, but it didn’t occur to me.

I leaned over and asked dear Bishop Nance (he was bishop before our current one), whom I was sitting beside. Thankfully he didn’t call me an idiot for not remembering “the sheep and the goats”. When the author says we will be at the right hand of God, it is because that is where the sheep go. We go with the group destined for eternal life in the presence of God. That will most assuredly be a better world. In that world there will be joy, peace, godliness, honesty, truth, learning, safety, and righteous judgment, just to name a few things.

Why use an anchor analogy for that though? I know some who would say we cannot be sure of our eternal place. I disagree. Faith makes that eternity sure. We can not only hope, but be sure in our hope of it. Not because of our own merits, which I know frightens all of us and makes us worry about eternity. But, on the merits of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I can be sure of my eternity IF my faith is in the right place. Do I have correct faith in the person and work of the Savior? Is it the kind of faith the Scriptures teach us? A repentant faith unto good works? Then if so, I can be sure of eternity. Now that is better than any anchor I have ever seen on a ferry.

This anchor does more though. Heavenly Father doesn’t throw us into a tempest filled sea, leaving us to drown and suffer, merely saying, “Well at least you have eternity to look forward to.” No. Instead He says, “Use your anchor.” That anchor of faith makes us sure and steadfast. That anchor of faith allows us to abound in good works. That anchor leads us to glorify God. I can’t think of anything better.

When I am drowning in a sea of turmoil. And believe me I know what turmoil feels like. I can grab onto my faith. That frees me up to do the work God has set apart for me. I am excited about that! I can think of a dozen ways I have disappointed my Father in the last 6 months, knowing that if I had just grabbed my anchor, I could have avoided the mistakes all together. I can’t change the past, but I sure can remember to grab it in the future.

It can also keep me steadfast in the face of other’s sins. There are frightening people in this world, who do very bad things and are obvious about it. There are others who are more cunning and unexpectedly do bad things. I’m not sure which is more dangerous. It probably doesn’t matter, because both kinds leave wounds and damage our vessel. But this verse says we can be sure and steadfast even in the face of damage. It will not matter what kind of storm we are confronted with. Faith will lead us to glorifying God. We can do great works, even in the face of suffering. What an anchor that is!

One other thing just occurred to me. It says this anchor can lead us to glorify God. I periodically get emails or phone calls from people who say wonderful things to me. Things I don’t deserve. Sometimes they say they admire me. Most often lately they say they have a strong feeling Heavenly Father has an important work for me. Now, I am not an important person and I am sure every assignment Heavenly Father gives, even to the least of His children is important to Him. It did get me to thinking though. I know He has a work for me. We were all given assignments in the pre-mortal existence of how we could further the kingdom during our tenure here. What was mine?

While I do not think I can do anything more important than any other servant, I have been facing tremendous trials that were obviously designed by the enemy to keep me from service. I began to pray and ask Heavenly Father to show me my work. What is my mission? He gently reminded me that He had already told me. He puts desires in our hearts and minds that are designed to help us know and fulfill our mission. What I want more than anything else is to start a magazine AND write books designed to help Latter Day Saints not only become more valiant in their testimony of the Savior, but to give them the tools to minister and teach the gospel to protestant evangelicals.

All I have to do is hold on to the anchor, so I am equipped for every good work and not allow the storms I face to overtake me.

Learning in Fog

Do you ever know there is a lesson you’re supposed to be learning, but you can’t quite get it right? That is how I feel now. I have two things I should be learning. One is deeper, more correct faith. The other I can’t quite put my finger on. It seems just out of my reach. That probably sounds weird, but I am weird. Hopefully, in a cute, quirky sort of way.

I’ve been working so hard regarding faith. I’ve meditated on Alma 32 hundreds of times. I’ve made conscious decisions just to insist on having faith and push any doubts out the door. Yet, I still feel I’m missing the main idea of the lesson. It reminds me of elementary school.  This is going to sound like a really weird analogy at first, but it will make sense in the end. My parents are people with good hearts, but like the rest of us, they have a natural man they have to battle with.

Throughout my childhood and teen years, my parents were heavy marijuana users. In the 70’s and 80’s that was quite common. (Yes, I’ve given away my age. I’m 41. Now you can stop doing math and finish reading). I know it sounds ridiculous, but some of the memories that make me laugh the most are my parents and their friends sitting around smoking dope. They had this ridiculously long pipe that would fill up with marijuana smoke. Someone else had to be at the other end to put their finger over the pipe hole. Than when it was completely filled they would let go and the smoker would suck everything in really quickly.

To my brothers and I, the amusing part was watching them try to hold in the smoke they’d just sucked in for as long as possible. There is nothing more fun to a child than seeing adults do ridiculous things. That’s probably why my kids get such a kick when I do silly dances with them. So, here was this adult trying desperately to keep in something their body obviously didn’t want. They would snort and try not to cough. My dad was my favorite because he was completely bald and his entire head would turn purple. Oh the memories….

My point is I was surrounded by marijuana for the majority of my years at home. Even though I wasn’t smoking it personally, I was affected by it. The result was I was often in a fog. It most affected me at school. I am someone who LOVES learning. Ask anyone who knows me and my greatest joy is found in books, even “boring” text books. In childhood, I was the weird kid who was disappointed if we didn’t have homework the first day of school. I was so excited about learning.  Yet, school was hard for me. I couldn’t quite seem to grasp some things, no matter how much time I spent trying. I always felt disconnected.

It wasn’t until I moved out of my parents house that my head seemed to clear up. Boy did I make up for lost time then. I haven’t been able to get a college degree, but I have taught myself many, many subjects. I’m fantastic at advanced mathematics. I love history, literature, and science (especially chemistry), and have even been teaching myself HTML and Javascript. I love them all.I continue to try to carve out some time for learning even now, with my schedule so ridiculous as a single mom. Homeschooling helps. I get to share my passion for learning with my precious children.

About this time, you might be thinking, what is the point of this trip down memory lane? The fog. The fog I experienced at school was a result of the steady diet of second hand drug use. It affected my ability to learn. I have a fog now too. Though definitely not drug use, it is just as damaging to my learning. Sometimes we are so surrounded by our circumstances, fears, doubts, and for me disillusionments, that it is hard to see past them to learn what Heavenly Father is trying to teach us.

I begin a typical day in exhaustion, fear, and worry. My kids mean the world to me. Being a mom is a calling I take very seriously and find it such a huge privilege. I want to do it right. Yet my new life makes that challenging. Gone are the days I can just spend time reading to them and playing games. I have to get moving and I have to get moving fast. We’ve got to get school done, and then I’ve got to work several jobs. I also have to keep up with meals, music practice, housework, laundry, errands……….the list is never ending. I am not a ton of fun right now. Of course, there is the never ending pressure of making enough money for the bills. That stress and worry never stop.

There are other fog creators too. Fear and disillusionment. I have so many fears that have nothing to do with bills. Fear of being alone for a long time. Fear for a friend that I care deeply about who is destroying his eternity. Fear for my children that is personal to them and I cannot share. It has nothing to do with their character. They are wonderful children. Then there is disillusionment. That one is more like a constant weight that presses on me and doesn’t allow me to stand erect and get a good breath. I need to be careful because I’ve been asked not to blog about it by my dear sweet bishop, so I’ll just say it is there and ever present.

When surrounded by all those worldly (though necessary) cares, it creates a difficult environment for me to grasp all the new important spiritual lessons I am learning. There are some things I can do. It is important I take in more “fresh air” than most. That is done in my Scripture study. Wow, that is one of my favorite times.  I love keeping a Scripture journal and jotting down all the thoughts, questions, and lessons, I’m learning. I can almost reach out and touch the Spirit. I learn. I grow. I have clarity. Then, once I close the book, the fog rolls in.  What is the solution? I’m not positive yet.

There are some things that help. Constant communication with Heavenly Father and the Savior makes some difference. It at least helps with the burdens. I get to share it with Them. It gives me someone to talk to. Someone that can actually help and I don’t have to fear has immoral motives. I can trust Them. Another is continually trying to commend myself into Their hands. Yet even with both those things, I still feel like I am not quite getting it. Being everything Heavenly Father wants is more important to me than anything else, so I really want to “get it”.

Anyone who’s known me for any length of time knows I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes I make some doozies. Yet, even then, there is such a strong underlying desire to make my Father proud, and to show my Brother how much I love him and am grateful for the atonement. I want to evaporate the fog and grasp every lesson They have for me. I’d love to hear how you go about growing.

The Purpose Driven Storm

 

To anyone who reads my blog it is no secret that I’ve been going though a straining time lately.  Last weekend it seemed to come to a head for me emotionally. I fell apart. Never had I felt so alone. I begged God to please remember me. I couldn’t understand why after everything I had been through that Heavenly Father would be unwilling to protect me from some recent trials. I was feeling quite sorry for myself. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I could keep going. There have been a few times in my life that I had considered suicide. The most difficult to pull out of was right after my excommunication.

My husband had left, I had no means of supporting my children, I had lost every connection and friend I had and I wasn’t sure if it was for the true faith, or a Satanic deception. The worst part was I  couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t tell me which it was. I prayed so fervently every day for Him to tell me what was true. Each time I was greeted with silence. Was it because of something wrong with me? Was it because I was unworthy? Or was it because God didn’t exist? An affirmative to any one of them left me without hope.

I distinctly remember laying on my bed and planning out the best way to just end it. I had come to some semblance of a plan, when one of my sweet children walked in, lay down next to me, and starting rubbing my face. It hit me. I didn’t have the luxury of quitting. I had four souls who depended on me. If for no other reason I would continue for their sakes. So, I dragged myself out of bed and began to make supper for them.

I have never forgotten that evening. It keeps me going regularly, as it did this past weekend. I can exist for their sakes. I will do my best to pull myself through what is brought to my path. That does not, however, make existing any easier. Because of that I was pouring my heart out to God asking Him why. After I had no tears left, I got up and decided the only course of action was to read my Scriptures.

I was reading in Ether chapter six. I always read with my Scripture journal in hand whenever possible and write down things that occur to me, and my questions. The first thing I wrote from that day was from the end of verse four:

“….commending themselves unto the Lord their God.”

Regarding that passage I wrote, “Why is this so hard for me? This is what I must do, entrust myself to Him completely.” Right after that verse it spoke of the tempest they were suffering and the fear they felt. I remember thinking how hard it must have been to not feel forgotten themselves down in the deep, frightened, and unsure of the course set for them. Maybe they felt abandoned too, or as if they were unimportant to God.

Then I read verse 8 and it put a little light on our trials.

“And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.”

It occurred to me that the most frightening thing in their lives was the very thing that was bringing them to the promised land. Maybe so it was for me. Each trial, each heartbreak, each betrayal is specifically designed to bring me to the Celestial Kingdom. It is preparing me in some way for my eternity. Every once in a while I wonder if our calling in the Celestial Kingdom is in direct proportion to our trials and growth experiences on earth. If so, my eternity is going to be awesome!

If I can try to remember that the tempest is driving me forward to Heavenly Father, it will make the storm less frightening. I could sit back in the arms of my Father and just enjoy the waves. At least now I can try to remember that my tempest has a purpose.

The Beauty of Tithing

Normally my heart has no struggle with tithing. I find it joyful writing that check. It is almost as if I am getting to partner with God to further the work of His kingdom.  Although, I’m sure it is probably more like the times my sweet 6 year old Sarah brings me the pennies she has saved up to “help me with the bills”. I wonder if Heavenly Father’s heart swells with as much love as mine does when my daughter sincerely gives me her life savings?

For some unknown reason this week I struggled with writing my tithe check. I had over $1000.00 in OVERDUE bills, with the threat of a shut off notice on my heat. If I wrote my tithe check, I would have enough for the heating bill to stay on, but would only be left with $12.00 in my account to cover things like toilet paper and gasoline, plus all the other bills would go without any further payment.

I made the decision it wasn’t my money to begin with and I made a covenant to always pay my tithe. So, I wrote the check and a peaceful feeling came over me. The next day, I received three paychecks, two of which were overdue to come to me. It left me enough to pay something on each one of those overdue bills. Plus, I have enough to get one tank of gas and one small present each for the children on Valentines Day. Isn’t Heavenly Father kind? It was a reminder to me that He is aware and uses our circumstances to help us grow. Though tithing had never been an issue until that particular day, my faith has grown on the doctrine of tithing.

I also wanted to share a cute story that has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic. My Sarah is very literal and has been brought to tears many times because she doesn’t feel like she can hear the Spirit. The problem is she thinks it is a literal HEAR. Though the Spirit does occasionally work that, way, it is not the most common method.

She and I have been spending a lot of time discussing the fruit of the Spirit and the peaceful happy feelings that come to us when He speaks to our hearts. We had one of those discussions last night. It took about 40 minutes before she would calm down and stop crying long enough to really grasp what I was saying. About 10 minutes after our conversation, she was in the bathroom cleaning the toilet (one of her chores), when she ran up to me excitedly saying, “Mom! I feel the Spirit when I clean toilets! I always feel happy cleaning the toilets.”

Because I didn’t want to discourage her with any clarification. I just told her to remember that good feeling. I really love her enthusiasm.